[Caitlyn89]

I was googling things to help myself because i can't afford financially and time wise to do anything else and i came across this website. I put my info in to join the community and apparently i was already apart of it? I used to be on so many forums back in the day when i felt so alone that i really might of joined this one but i dont remember. I hope i didnt take over someone's username...you cant do that can you?

Onto why im here. I dont know what to do anymore. I havent felt normal in so long. I was depressed anxious and had an eating disorder my freshman and sophmore years of high school. It was a long battle...pretty much destroyed any relationship i had with my family. My junior year i was ... happy. It was a good year. Senior year i was sort of just tired of school not depressed or sad just content and cant wait to graduate. Then i graduated in 2007...and wanted to go back. I didnt want to leave and enter a different reality. I started college in Sep '07. I dormed. I got so homesick ... regardless of the fact that i lived 30minutes away. I hated it, i felt familiar feelings of not belonging etc. Dormed my spring semester freshman year omgggg did i hate commuting. Everyday back and forth back and forth so much gas so much miles - it sucked. So i decided to give it a second chance. Fall of '08 (last semester) i dormed again. Again ... it sucked. I decided to pledge a sorority to try and get myself a feeling of belonging. But i finally got a boyfriend. So i felt trapped like i was splitting myself between my friends and boyfriend at home and my sorority at school. I once again f'ed up and made the choice to commute my spring semester of this year. Which is what i am currently doing. I HATE IT. Ive come to the conclusion that i like absolutely nothing.

I do not want to be in school, no matter what i try or do i feel so depressed. I want to drop out but if i drop out ill just end up not having a life. I dont want to be in my major, but there is nothign else, and i mean NOTHING else that i have an interest in. Even if i had an interest if i change my major now ill be in school at least an extra year or so. So i'm just basically screwed. I dont want to work I dont want to be with my friends, i have trouble holding a conversation with people. I prefer to lay in bed and sleep. I feel so lost and lonely and scared because i dont know what to do. I never have money my family hates me i have thoughts of wanting to punch my mother in the face. No matter how much i give there is so much hate between us. She just sucks. I'm sick of being told how worthlesss i am because its like I KNOW you dont have to keep telling me and reminding me.

Im always sick lately and tired. Mentally and physically. Mostly mentally, i pretty much cry daily for like really short period of time. I get so frustrated and pissed off so easily. I thought of what it be like if i killed myself but im too chicken to ever go through with that. But then that leads me to another thing on my mind im so scared that one day ill have no more will to live that ill have to hope left.

I want someone to fix me. I cant afford therapy, meds is a no go. So what can i do? No one cares but my boyfriend. Who i probably push to his limits with my moods and random flip outs.

I cant take life anymore, i feel like im not cut out for it.

[turquoisesea]

sorry I don't have words right now but sending hugs if that's ok

[hills72]

Originally Posted by Caitlyn89

I was googling things to help myself because i can't afford financially and time wise to do anything else and i came across this website. I put my info in to join the community and apparently i was already apart of it? I used to be on so many forums back in the day when i felt so alone that i really might of joined this one but i dont remember. I hope i didnt take over someone's username...you cant do that can you?....

Onto why im here. I dont know what to do anymore. I havent felt normal in so long. I was depressed anxious and had an eating disorder my freshman and sophmore years of high school. It was a long battle...pretty much destroyed any relationship i had with my family. My junior year i was ... happy. It was a good year. Senior year i was sort of just tired of school not depressed or sad just content and cant wait to graduate. Then i graduated in 2007...and wanted to go back. I didnt want to leave and enter a different reality. I started college in Sep '07. I dormed. I got so homesick ... regardless of the fact that i lived 30minutes away. I hated it, i felt familiar feelings of not belonging etc. Dormed my spring semester freshman year omgggg did i hate commuting. Everyday back and forth back and forth so much gas so much miles - it sucked. So i decided to give it a second chance. Fall of '08 (last semester) i dormed again. Again ... it sucked. I decided to pledge a sorority to try and get myself a feeling of belonging. But i finally got a boyfriend. So i felt trapped like i was splitting myself between my friends and boyfriend at home and my sorority...

I do not want to be in school, no matter what i try or do i feel so depressed. I want to drop out but if i drop out ill just end up not having a
Im always sick lately and tired. Mentally and physically. Mostly mentally, i pretty much cry daily for like really short period of time. I get so frustrated and pissed off so easily. I thought of what it be like if i killed myself but im too chicken to ever go through with that. But then that leads me to another thing on my mind im so scared that one day ill have no more will to live that ill have to hope left.

I cant take life anymore, i feel like im not cut out for it.

Caitlyn, I'm new as well and I haven't any advice but understand your pain.

[Pomegranate]

I'm so sorry you feel so terrible. It must be so depressing to have to feel that way every day, all day long. Have you tried calling your local mental health clinic, they usually charge on a sliding scale. Also know that time does heal all the angry depressed feelings you have. But therapy might help you get through them quicker.