[Am I crazy?]

My 17 year old son appears to have depression. He doesn't eat much, he sleeps alot, spends lots of time on the computer, cries alot and doesn't wants to tell me what is making him so sad.
We want to be a good parents. I don't want to nag him. I try to understand him. I love him and wish he wasn't so sad. There are good days - I watch anime with him and he seems really good - happy and talkative. He has confided in me some things - he is distant from others at school and feels very alone. He fell out with his friends a couple of years ago - he told me all about this situation.
Should I be letting him sleep for so long? I try and cook what is favourite for him. I worry that his school studies are falling behind as this is an important year for him - I try not to nag him over this. He has internet friends, some of which seem really nice - the ones he has shown to me. My husband has threatened to disconnect his internet as he feels this is the problem, but my son said if he did that that he wouldn't want to live. I let my husband know how important his internet friends are to him. Did I do the right thing? He sees the school counsellor once a week.
Any insight or help would be greatly appreciated.

Lisa

[prettyjolie]

Your son definitely sounds like he is depressed.
When I was around 16-17, I was really depressed as well.. I was in my senior year of high school, and even though I had friends, I didn't like them. My family pretty much knew that I was depressed, but they never did anything to help. In fact, they made it worse.
So I felt alone..
It's great that you're trying to be there for him and that you try to cook his favorite foods. You're a great mother for being so supportive and for not nagging him, as he is obviously going through a difficult time.
Something that would have helped me when I was depressed would have been to have someone to talk to.. make yourself available to your son.. and don't ever judge him.. let him have his own thoughts/feelings/opinions.
Don't let your husband disconnect his internet!!!
When i was depressed, the thing that helped me the most was the internet.
I had some internet friends as well, some that I could really talk to and that wouldn't judge me or make me feel bad about myself. If your son has that, even if not from a friend he knows personally, don't take that away from him.
My parents would limit my time on the internet and wouldn't leave me alone. They made me feel horrible about sleeping a lot and about not wanting to go out or do anything. They called me lazy, fat, etc.. Make sure that your husband doesn't call him any names or makes him feel bad about himself.
It's good that he's seeing a counselor at school.. if that's not helping him, maybe you can find someone outside of school that he can see.

It's very difficult, but I think you are doing the right thing. Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive mother.
Good luck

[yutzman]

Well...This seems to be a problem not well said or understood...First off, you are not crazy.....and secondly, thanks for coming to PC... We here are very much in-tuned to depressive issues (I've been going through them for 30 years).
Next, and most important, PLEASE POST BACK, if you don't get the answer you feel is appropriate.. I (WE), are here to help....This is a community.....
Now, this, to me seems like depression, but, Lisa, he at 17 is still in his formative stage of life, and may need a little 'free riegn' so to speak.. That is back off a little. Observe, maybe within the next year these problems will resolve themselves....
I cannot say...but it seems like you are a very loving and caring parent...this will only help your son through the hard times of postpuberty to come......
I know this is not an answer persay....but....wait and watch....don't be so agressive.

[justfloating]

hi Lisa,

I recognize a lot of myself in your son. When my depression was at its worst, I was sleeping up to 20 hours a day, I hardly ate and took next to no pleasure in food, I was distant and cried a lot ... I just want you to know that there is hope for your son -- depression is extremely treatable.

I think you're doing the right thing by being there for him. I wish my parents had been as observant as you are and picked up on my symptoms -- or if they did, they never made any sign of it. Continue being supportive of him, that's the absolute best thing for him now. When we're depressed, our thoughts tend to warp to the negative -- we believe we're alone, we tend to hate ourselves or blame ourselves for everything, we lose interest in a lot of the things that used to give us pleasure. You're doing the right thing by just being there for your son. Make sure he knows that you love him and support him, and keep telling him that because the depression may make it difficult for him to believe. You're doing well not to nag him -- my parents would nag me whenever I got into a slump (I was being "lazy/inconsiderate/impossible/anti-social," etc) and it just made things worse. Give him a bit of breathing space, gentle encouragement to get out of bed or go for a walk or talk about things with you is good, just don't pester him. I also wondered if you've talked to him about this? Maybe you could let him know that you're concerned, and you think he might be depressed, and if he wants you and he could explore possible treatment options to make things better for him. Again, don't pressure him, just let him know that you're there and willing to do whatever he needs you to in order to help.

The last thing is that the internet has been hugely helpful to me, and it's good that he has that at his disposal as well. Don't take it away from him, no matter what! Besides internet friends, who are a great way of talking out his feelings, the internet is also a good distraction from how he's feeling. I use the internet to get out of my own head a lot of the time by playing games, reading articles, contacting friends... it's a great diversion, all in all.

Good luck, and please let us know if you need anything else. PC has great ressources on depression, I'm glad you've come here.

[ClinicallyClueless]

Hi Lisa,

What you describe sounds like depression to me and you are not crazy. You are being attuned and concerned about your son. I was deeply depressed when I was a teenager and attempted suicide. However, I never received counseling afterwards and it wasn't talked about in our family. It would have been a relief to be able to have an enviornment where I could talk. I would suggest talking with his counselor about your concerns and come up with options. Whatever you do, do not ignore or let this go...it could be quite serious.

The following are two links of a part one and two regarding major depression. They also have links to other sites that maybe helpful. Also, in children and teens depression often manifests as anger, so please be aware of this. Good luck to you and your family.

http://gosmelltheflowers.com/archives/7785 and http://gosmelltheflowers.com/archives/7789

[sunflower55]

I'm glad you came to PC, and asked about your son. I am a high school teacher, and it's so good that he's seeing the school counselor. Have you also spoken to that person, and expressed your concerns? (They cannot tell you what your son has said, due to confidentiality, but, you can express your concerns and give that counselor a "head's up" so to speak.)

Also, (and please do not take this the wrong way), but, you mentioned a falling out with friends and school work falling off. Those are two signs of *possible* drug use. Have you considered this at all? I ask this question with all sincerity and with love in my heart for you and your son. My own son started using drugs in high school, and I was unaware. He's now almost 29 and in a rehab. Please do not be offended by the question. It's a very real possiblity. We owe it to our children to be honest and look at the possibility with open eyes.

I would also say that it's good that he has online friends. But, there is a caveat to that statement. Those online friends should *not* replace real life friends. I would not take away the internet either, but, I would limit it. He cannot become a hermit. He needs a real life with interaction with real people his own age. Try to get him involved in some activity he will enjoy; a sport; martial arts; music; whatever. That will get him involved with others who share the same interests, and friendships will grow from there.

There is a possibility that he may need more than just the school counseling. Once you speak with his counselor, you and that person can determine if outside counseling and/or medication is in order. But, please know that one thing ALL teens have in common is that they sleep -- A LOT! LOL! That, by itself, is nothing to worry about. Combined with the other issues you bring up, though, lead to concern. So, you are very right to bring it here and to show your concern. Continue to let him know that you are a resource for him; that he can come to you for support.

I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes. We care.

Peace!

[Rohag]

Hi, Am I Crazy!

I agree with the posters above. It certainly sounds like depression. All I might add is that some physical problems/diseases can mimic depression or spawn genuine depression as a first sign. Beyond counseling, a thorough physical exam could be valuable.

If I were 17 again (argh!) and depressed, I'd need those Internet friends, as well as understanding parents, like you.

Best Regards

[Am I crazy?]

Thanks to all that answered my post. This has been a great help. Today he is happy - thank goodness.
I will talk to his counsellor. I did ask him about drugs, but he said he wasn't. I believe him as he doesn't show any signs.
I'm glad to see I am on the right track. I totally agree that I should get him checked out by a Dr. also.

Lisa