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#1
Apr 26, 2009, 09:17 PM
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Feeling very low day in and day out even with meds. My T thinks they needs to be upped and now i can agree. I have been depressed years ago and totally frustrated and even more depressed because I am SO depressed this time. I guess the PTSD added has not helped. The life change after an assault and the lack of use o my hand rom it makes it ba. All the things I enjoy that make me happy needs 2 hands. Photography, mountian biking , camping and sports to name a few. I did not think i could get any loser than I was....how wrong I was. My brother who was a little over a year older than me died last week. This was something I wished would happen because of how bad he hurt me by being my S* Abuser growing up.I was so hurt and angry with him while he was in the ER and could hear meI whispered in his ear I hope you die. I found out very early Monday morning that was the most inappropriate thing to say since he did die. I kissed him and told him I loved him before he died and again after. But at that point he was brain dead and could not hear me. So why is that important. I am at the lowest of loses. I said something I realized I really did not want and probably hurt him as much as myself saying it. Then he died. My depression alreay being bad and unbearable already now this....it feels like it is going to push me too far to ever come back. I get more depressed and upset when people try to give advise telling me it will get better or that I had every right to say this. I keep thinking to myself when I hear this "advise" from well meaning people......have they ever said something SO HATEFUL and then had that person die? What I have learned is you can have a lot of hate for someone and still have a part of you that really did still love that person. Befor this I wouild have asked how in the workd can you love someone who did something so wrong to you. It is so bad now i do not want to even get dressed and get out of bed. I also feel like a rotten person for my actions. I am fighting through my depression to even post this. My main and only reason is to make others thiink before they speak especially when there is a chance you will never be able to make right of what you did. Right now I am not sure whats winning more the depression of the self hatred. All I do know is right now I am have NO MORE fight lect in me. I feel like I should not have anyone support me or anyones sympahy b\c my actions in a way are alsmost as bad as the abuse I sufferfed from. So if you are in a oplace like this.....forgive them and tell themso. Dont lower yourself to my level b\cnow I feel like I will Never have the chance to forguve him or myself.
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Caring but Cautious, Curious but Kind, But trying to Survive, when losing my Mind!  Thats me in a nutshell!
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#2
Apr 27, 2009, 09:54 AM
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Quote:
You're dealing with so much right now; so many conflicting emotions. I wish you peace, and may time bring healing. If not healing, may time bring perspective.
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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 Capp
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#3
Apr 27, 2009, 10:19 AM
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((((((((((((((((( Tmac )))))))))))))))))))
I am sending you some hugs 
__________________
 Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
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#4
Apr 27, 2009, 10:50 AM
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((((((((((((((((Tmac)))))))))))))))))))
__________________
Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
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#5
Apr 27, 2009, 02:29 PM
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(((((((Tmac)))))))
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#6
Apr 28, 2009, 10:29 AM
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__________________
 I'd rather have a visit, note or pretty picture than an "I'll say a prayer" or a "god bless you." Doesn't make me feel better, no meaning to me for sure. Can't stop you from praying and blessing me, and if that makes you feel better feel free.  But keep it to yourself please, don't tell me. And let's all respect each other's feelings. With kindness, support and "sweet dreamings."
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