[justfloating]

Spent all day in bed yesterday. Managed to get up and get out today. I was even feeling okay enough to write, which always makes me feel good.

Now all the energy's been sapped out of me. I'm so tired. I feel ... blah. I just want to sit and stare at the wall. I feel so alone but I don't want to be around people either. Being around people is worse. It's tiring, I don't have the energy to be around anyone. It's gross outside, and overcast. Can a person's mood be "overcast"? It's the best word I have right now. I hate the depression. I hate how it takes my words. They're the most valuable thing I have and when I get like this I can hardly speak. I feel empty. I feel like I've been robbed.

ihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethis

[3velniai]

you got up and went out today, this is wonderful

When I feel alone, but can't be around ppl, i do to chat (here or skype or whatever) and talk/listen. Makes me feel better and it's so tiring.

[Fuzzybear]

[Elysium]

I am glad you got out for a while.

I am sorry that you are feeling depressed right now. Sometimes, it is okay to give ourselves the time to just sit and stare at the walls...sometimes, that's just what we need. My T says to give myself these times, but keep it on a schedule...like, say you're going to let yourself sit and look at the walls for 1/2 hour, and then make a plan of what you will do after that to move on to something else.

I know, it's easier said than done when you get to feeling bad, and tired.

If you like, I will sit quietly with you and we can stare at the walls together!!

This will pass...I know that doesn't always help to hear...but it will pass!!

[Berries]

((((((((((((((((justfloating))))))))))))))))

I hate it too.

[justfloating]

******* may be triggering *********

I'm so tired. I don't want tomorrow to be Monday. I don't want to have to go out and pretend I'm normal. I'm not normal. I doubt I've ever BEEN normal. I can't function half the time. I isolate. I push people away. I keep things to myself because I'm terrified that people are going to think I'm crazy. And then when I do share how I'm feeling, it turns out that my fears are confirmed and they DO think I'm crazy. I told one of my friends that I had feelings for him, and he said he thought I didn't really. He said he read somewhere that patients can develop romantic feelings for their therapists. And I'm sure that's possible but it makes me ANGRY and SAD and ASHAMED that he could have possibly discounted my feelings like this. He wasn't my therapist. I HAVE a therapist. He was my FRIEND. There's a difference and I can't believe he thinks I'm so far gone that I can't distinguish between the two. This is the only person I trusted besides my counsellor with my depression -- the only person I could call on the days I couldn't get out of bed, who would let me ramble on and cry to him over the phone, the one who would make sure I was okay when he hadn't heard from me in a while, the one who I could talk to about anything from the weather to philosophy, who I could show my writing to without feeling foolish, who I could share anything with ... He was my best friend, and it turns out all along that he can't see past my depression to the real me. He can't accept anything I tell him because he thinks that all of it is coming from the depression. He never told me it made him uncomfortable. He never told me he was having trouble dealing with it even though I specifically asked him to tell me if he did. He's really interested in psychology -- now I think he was only interested in me for my illness, not for who I AM. I feel stupid for trusting him. I feel taken advantage of. I feel rejected. I feel like a complete fool and I feel all alone. He thinks I'm ... a statistic, or something. My FRIEND. The only person in my life I could trust absolutely everything to because I thought he cared, and all he thought was that I could be his test run at being a THERAPIST. He's not even STUDYING psychology. And now I'm questioning whether or not I really am crazy. Maybe he's right. Maybe there's no distinguishing between me and the depression. Maybe I can't trust anything I feel at all.

I'm so mad at him. I'm OUTRAGED and OFFENDED that he could possibly think I'm unable to tell the difference between the relationship between friends and between a patient and therapist. I'm SO ANGRY I COULD SCREAM... and at the same time I'm totally ashamed. If I'm so angry, if I'm so offended and hurt and disgusted with him ... then how come this hurts so much? How come this feels like my fault?

[Miracle1986]

(((((Rebecca)))))

[justfloating]

no no no no no it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

I've gone from feeling numb to feeling too much. Rejection. Anxiety. Loneliness. Homesickness. Stress. Exhaustion. Anger. Fear. Doubt.

I was doing better. I was doing BETTER. I want to be BETTER. I was FINE. I was fine with everything. Not perfect, but functioning. Ten SECONDS ago I was functioning. Now I'm just overwhelmed.

I want this to STOP.

I was fine 30 seconds ago. I called my Mom, we had a great chat. I even laughed. Now all of a sudden ... I feel like I've walked into a wall.

[Miracle1986]

I think that is the way depression works sometimes.
I know I am the same way. I can be fine a minute,
and the next seemingly without warning I will... like
you described, walk into a wall. It's so frustrating.

[turquoisesea]

I'm sorry about your friend.
I'm sorry that he thinks so differently... I'm sorry for what he's done.

It's hard to find the right person to trust. They are rare. They DO exist.

You've been doing so well. Don't let him take all that away, you can get through all this.
Sending many hugs...

[Berries]

((((((((((((((((justfloating))))))))))))))))

How are you feeling today?

[justfloating]

((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))

I'm ... numb today. Exhausted. I fell asleep fine last night but I woke up 3 hours earlier than I needed to and I couldn't get back to sleep. There's all this stuff playing in my head, like a loop. I'm trying to distract myself but it's hard. I can feel myself checking out of my life again. I'm going to make an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow, but I probably won't get in for at least a week. I can do this for another week, but I wish I didn't have to. I don't understand why this is happening. Why is all this past stuff coming up? Nothing triggered it. Nothing's happened at all. And if there was no trigger then maybe my meds are starting to wear off. Can they do that? Can they just stop working all of a sudden? I was feeling so GOOD. The doctor was going to start weaning me off the meds over the summer, after school was done and I didn't have to deal with any exam stress and I could be home with my family and friends so I'd be comfortable. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn't getting well. Maybe it was just a fluke, just a taste of how much better things can be, and how I can't have it no matter how hard I try. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do now.

[justfloating]

I just want to sleep. To shut off for a little while. I can't stop everything flooding back, all the horrible things that were right in front of me in a relationship that was incredibly unhealthy for me, and all I can think is that I hope I didn't hurt HIM. What is wrong with me? How could I be so blind? How could I be so forgiving? How come I can't hate the person who made me feel this way? I just want to sleep and forget about everything.

[Berries]

I'm ... numb today. Exhausted. I fell asleep fine last night but I woke up 3 hours earlier than I needed to and I couldn't get back to sleep. There's all this stuff playing in my head, like a loop. I'm trying to distract myself but it's hard. I can feel myself checking out of my life again. I'm going to make an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow, but I probably won't get in for at least a week. I can do this for another week, but I wish I didn't have to. I don't understand why this is happening. Why is all this past stuff coming up? Nothing triggered it. Nothing's happened at all. And if there was no trigger then maybe my meds are starting to wear off. Can they do that? Can they just stop working all of a sudden? I was feeling so GOOD. The doctor was going to start weaning me off the meds over the summer, after school was done and I didn't have to deal with any exam stress and I could be home with my family and friends so I'd be comfortable. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn't getting well. Maybe it was just a fluke, just a taste of how much better things can be, and how I can't have it no matter how hard I try. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do now. [/quote]

((((((((((((((((justfloating))))))))))))))))
i'm sorry you have to go thru this pain. keep letting us know how you are doing.
Sending lots of cyber hugs