I Feel Pain, Too

I spent most of today in tears. My whole life, I've been told that I have no right to feel pain, no right to have my own feelings at all, but to think only of other people's feelings. Today, a bit of my heart was revealed, and now it feels like it was flayed open. I feel like the worst person to ever walk the face of the earth. And right now, the only thought in my head is that many others would agree with that assessment.

My hands are shaking as I type this, because even now, I don't feel like I have the right to say that I was hurt. But I am desperately trying not to lose every single bit of progress I've made over the past three years. I know it will return to me, but for tonight, I feel exactly like that scared, shaking, crying soul who couldn't get out from under her covers.

I am sorry for everything.

I don't agree with that assessment. Not one single bit.

(((((((mj)))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((mj))))))))))))))) I don't agree either. I don't know what is going on, but I think you're awesome. Don't let yourself or anyone tell you otherwise. You rock in my book.

mj I don't know you YET but (((((mj))))) it certainly seems you have friends here Take care of yourself. Linda <font color="black"> </font>

I suck too .....

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

I know the feeling of having no "right" to feel hurt........to be honest....... even to exist..... .... I was/am the same way and it TOTALLY sucks

....deleted

Thanks, guys...it means a lot to hear such kind words.

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Love ya,
Jo

(((((((((mj))))))))))

I think I know how you feel; I always spend a lot of time trying to help other people, and I'm told that I need to think of myself more. Hope you're feelin' better.

mj,

I'm sorry to hear today was such a teary one for you. It was a fairly rotten day for many sadly.

One thing to remember along with all the progress you have made over the past three years is that other people are gonna feel how they feel. Nothing you can do will change their feelings.

Just like nothing I could type here would change your feelings.

We are entitled to our feelings. We also need to remember that when we are in a good space often others are not in that same space. To expect all to be in that same space as you is not realistic. Humans are complex beings with a range of emotions. What may be your happiness could be distress to another. I know that when I'm in a good mood I cannot expect everyone to share in that happy feeling. I wish everyone could but I recognize adults don't fall into conformity as easily as I'd sometimes like.

I understand wanting people to share in your feelings but sadly it isn't realistic to expect so from everyone.

You have every right to say you were hurt.

Nobody can take away your right to expression mj. That is something you choose. It is hard to keep that firmly in our head when we grow up with messages of no right to expression of our feelings. Being an adult allows us to make choices about how we feel and what we express or do not express.

You are most certainly not the worst person to walk the earth.

I too am sorry this happend as it did. There are many people moving through today hurting too. You're not alone in that hurt.

Be extra gentle with yourself about all this.

(((((((((((Jo))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this. Are you doing better today hun? Please know that so many here care for you. I am sorry for not being in touch here like I used to but you are always in my thoughts.

Love you xoxo

((((((((((((((((((((((((mj))))))))))))))))))))

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I am so terribly sorry sweetheart! I wish I could fix this for you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve love and understanding.

I wish you all the luck and happiness this world can bring to you. May your path be filled with love and caring.

Love you mj
nightdream

zh, you are very much mistaken. There were plenty of things you could have said that would have changed my feelings.

You see, I was not hurt that other people did not share in my feelings. I have never expected everyone to be happy for us. What hurt me was seeing someone who is very rarely in chat say that my "ongoing canoodling in chat" was "getting embarassing for many." It hurt to know that I was the topic of gossip, and that people I considered my friends were talking about me behind my back instead of voicing their concerns directly to me.

It also hurt for someone who has shared many details of her dating like here on the forum to say that they wished we had kept this private, and that to discuss our personal life on a mental health forum was "out there." Why must we hide in the shadows when others can speak freely? Do our feelings mean so very little here?

I have always considered the people here to be my friends. My heart is broken that some of those friends chose to completely forget everything they know about me, every good thought they might have had, and judge me based on one thing alone. What breaks my heart even more is the thought that those people may never have had any good thoughts of me to begin with.

I never attacked anyone, yet I feel like my life here has just been stripped away. It's going to be a long, long time before I recover from that pain.

Mj, I am so very very sad you are in pain. I am your friend and hope to remain so. I am so slow when things explode here. I quess I just don't think that way. I wish you happiness. I know you have been loving and pure in your support of others. I wish I could do something to help but just feel me here okay?

cat_eye, thank you. I guess it's hard to learn to think of yourself, when thinking of yourself is pointed out as being harmful to others.

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I have felt bad reading all of these posts. On one side, there is a lot of love and support. I am on that side. It's not my place, I think, to judge or criticize anyone. Plus, there is a "Relationships" forum at this mental health site, so we are all freely able to post and discuss our relationship issues. I think the topic is right "in there". If there is a forum on that topic, the subject of relationships should be fine. Well, that's my opinion.

Heather, thanks for your support. You have always been such a sweet person...I completely understand that you've been dealing with your own issues, but I sure have missed you.

Unfortunately, my heart is still lying on the floor in two pieces. My safe place doesn't feel very safe any more.

I hope you are well.

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Love ya,
Jo

Wants2Fly, thank you for the hugs. I really need them right now.

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Jo

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Thank you...I wish I knew how to fix this, but my hope for it fades with the hours. But knowing that there are such caring people as you around helps me keep going.

Love,
Jo

ww, thank you so much. You are such a good friend to so many people, and I appreciate so much your support and friendship. I have always tried to be supportive and understanding of others, but right now, I feel like I have failed miserably at that.

Thank you again for being here for me.

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Love,
Jo