[Validate]

My partner of 5 years has been living with Lupus and has recently survived what is called a 'flare' last year. We went through the process of treating it with several different meds and he is now in remission as of last spring. He has been in remission since March 2013 but has totally lost his libido. He says he is still attracted to me, but barely touches me...it has been a year since he was able to make love to me....Although i love him I feel so very sad and lonely....and my life seems to have lost it's sparkle....What can i do to help him....are there any sex therapy DVD out there that could help?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Validate, and welcome to Psych Central! Has he talked to a doc about what might be happening? Could it be his meds? Has he tried something such as Viagra to see if it might help?

I'm sure there are sex help vids out there. I can't speak to their quality and helpfulness, but you might check out some places on the Internet. (Google "sex therapy tapes" or some such.)

Would he be willing to help you with your needs, anyway? You can get pleasure other ways than what we usually think of as sex between a man and a woman. I don't think it would be wrong to ask him politely for some sort of physical relationship. Otherwise, you can always try taking care of your own needs.

[sheiba]

i know from my situation it is very shameful for the partner that is unable to have sexual urges and this shame within itself can create a block for them, sometimes just taking the pressure of them and talk openly about how you feel and how much you love them and that you are there for them but being intimate isnt just having sex, there are so many ways to be close and show love for each other it took my husband some time to feel safe , it is very demasculating for men so unconditional support is where i would start no pressure on your partner ...touch is a very powerful tool

[Grey Matter]

Hey, welcome to PC.

Lupus and other autoimmune diseases are very hard on the body. The treatments work in a similar way. It rids of an over active immune system, can leave damage, and in a lot of cases effect sex life. I am asexual, as in my partner (I am chronically ill with an autoimmune disease myself) so I have never struggled with this. What I have learned from being with my partner though is that intimacy doesn't equate sex. He may be feeling awful he can't please you sexually, which someone already said can make them pull away and cause a block, but it usually will have NOTHING to do with you, but the fact that they feel bad for not being able to please you how they once did.

Make it an open discussion. The more hushed it is, the harder it can be on both of you. Let him know you're not angry, you're just trying to understand. He may need to vent and feel safe and validated that his emotions wont be taken personally because I imagine that to be a scary thing. Discuss different options for sex (sex also doesn't = penetration) that can please you both.

Flares are really draining. Make sure to tell him to talk to his doctor about this side effect and see if anything can be done to help, and make sure to have a support system for you to.

Please take care and good luck with everything.

[Just Carmen]

I have lupus. I have lost my sex drive entirely. I am tired, sore and don't feel sexy. It is very hard on my husband so I have to make a real effort at times, but it is ALWAYS an effort. I feel a lot of guilt over it but I just can't.

[Wibley Wobley]

I am new to all this forum...hopefully doing it right.
My husband has Parkinsons, although not too bad right now, I know it will get worse, and I am afraid I won't be able to handle it. I currently have an issue with sex, I do not want to have it with him, hasn't been good in a long while, due to meds. But his changing personality is also a factor, he is not the same man I married, he is angry and says/does things he would never have before. They say this is part of it all...trying to cope. My issue is that I have recently started talking to an ex lover on facebook, and we have discussed many very personal things, and I feel almost obsessed with having explicit sexual discussions with him, even though we have both stated that we are married and want to be just friends.....I think I am lashing out in some way, but cannot seem to stop myself, and feel more and more needy of him each day. Help, please don't say stop talking to him...cause I can't.

[-jimi-]

I have lupus and even if I'm not sexual there are other things I like doing that I don't bother with because of the illness. I'm just too tired for it to be fun.

Also if he was on steroids he might want to check his glucose levels. High blood sugar can limit sex drive or so I've heard. My best friend was on high dosage steroids for two years and after she was just not the same. She wasn't her happy self. Steroid treatment can affect your mood even after you stop them.