[yagr]

Amongst men born to my generation, who ascribe to models of manhood that demand strength, resilience and stamina, I've been a hero. Those who know me well have compared my unconquerable strength and spirit to screen legends like Rocky Balboa, Clint Eastwood and Rambo. I have no quit in me and good, common sense hold no sway when I have my sights set on a goal.

To put that in a bit of perspective, I've finished my shift at work on two separate occasions after heart attacks, and then drove myself to the hospital. I have some medical training from the military and performed surgery three times – on myself. Family obligations left me no choice and so I went without sleep on Fridays and Sundays for over twenty years.

Then this... I've been diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disease. In short, the chemical best described as “muscle gas” that my nerves send my muscles are attacked by my body before they reach their target. I start each day with my energy gauge on empty and it gets worse from there with every exertion. Pushing oneself is dangerous, because when a muscle group demands “gas” that doesn't exist, it borrows indiscriminately from another muscle group – and you never know which one. Today it is my back muscles and they are incredibly sore, tomorrow it is my pulmonary system and I stop breathing.

I push. It is who I am. It is all I know. Change is death to the person I have come to know and respect. Then two weeks ago, I fell on the way back to my doctors office. My legs wouldn't hold me. It wasn't the last time that day or in the days that followed. Food and drink have come out my mouth and nose when the throat muscles refuse to work and the substance needs an immediate exit strategy. As uncomfortable as that is, it is preferable to the muscles stopping when the food is half-way down and it blocks my airway. The muscles in my eyelids refuse to stay up, I'm drooling on myself because I can't swallow. So I called my neurologist; he told me to come in immediately.

My auto-immune disease has taken a turn for the worse. He's recommending soft foods, a walker, oxygen. It's not just the auto-immune disease though. I've heart disease, chronic kidney disease, neuropathy, the list is extensive. Yet, I'm three years deep on a disability claim and awaiting a hearing date which is expected late in the year. I've been denied twice, though that is standard. The problem is, I can't live free of charge and so I'm working to support myself. Any employment is seen by disability as proof that one can work, so I'm off the grid working under the table in a physically demanding job that I cannot do, but must in order to survive.

The disease is incurable, it will not pass. Today I am sad, but that will – just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[growlycat]

I can relate to pushing yourself beyond reasonable physical limits. I just got out of ICU this week because there is pressure tav work to never call in sick. It is almost like training your body to ignore huge natural warning signals that something is wrong. I had a raging viral infection that turned into complications.

No doubt you are a strong person but be kind to yourself. The world can be cruel and will work you to the ground but you can stand up for yourself and your own self-care. Easier said than done. Don't I know it.

[88Butterfly88]

Lots of hugs for you! Perhaps you can get a note from a doctor saying something like continuing to work will worsen your disability.