[Captain Spaulding]

Hello,
I just wanted to tell you a bit about my disability.
I have Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita - Amyoplasia.
I have very little to no use of my arms and hands. My arms are forever fused in an "L" shape. I cannot lift my arms or open and close my hands. My hands are very small, probably the size of a 3-4 year old's.
Also, I have scoliosis, not too bad, but mildly.
My knees do not bend nor do they fully straighten.
So this causes me to swing my legs out to the side and waddle when I walk.
Also, I suppose it is called drop foot. My Achilles tendons are so tight that even if 3 grown men push on my foot, it will not reach a 90 degree angle.
When I was born, I was in a ball with my arms crossed like a pharaoh's and my legs came up to my chest and over my shoulders. I looked like a little baby ball.
I also had clubbed feet.
When the doctor tried pulling my legs down to put me in a more "relaxed" position, he broke it and didn't say anything. So after I was sent home, my grandmother discovered that every time my leg was touched I would scream. She knew it was broken.
The day before my 1st birthday was my first surgery, bilateral club foot surgery.
I wen to to Shriner's Childrens Hospital most of my childhood, mainly for therapy and to have they help of AFOs to hold my feet up.
I hated AFOs though because I used my feet as though they were hands, so they hindered me more than help me.
Through the years, I would fall and break my arm due to horrible balance or catching my feet in doorways.
My next surgery was at 15, I had bilateral hammer toe reconstruction due to my toes starting to curl under. I would constantly break or crack my nails from stepping on them so much. Or I'd have horrible hang nails.
I'm not really sure how much the surgery helped me though because now my nails are cracked and painful.
Here I am now, 25 years old.
It is very hard because I am in the prime of my life, I want to go on walks, walk the beach, ride bikes, run around, go bowling (normally), play video games (normally), drive a car, go to places like the zoo and carnivals without being stuck in a wheelchair and too heavy to easily be picked up, but most of all, things as simple as wiping myself after the bathroom, bathing, dressing, brushing my hair, cooking without needing help getting all of the ingredients or pans, be able to walk around a mall or store without having to sit every 30 feet. These are the things that trigger me to feel sad, useless, and a burden. It hurts so bad to bring my girlfriend, brother, and sister to the beach and watch them walk to collect shells. I want to be walking with her, holding her hand, enjoying the beauty. Sometimes I fantasize that if I want or pray hard enough, I'll wake up one day and be in a completely normal body.
Wanting something so bad....so bad you can cry on contact....it's hard.
Which is strange, because most people are shocked by my joketiveness and confidence about my disability. I've been told that my attitude is inspirational and bright considering. But, sometimes, one of those triggers hits me right where it hurts the worst. I almost never cry about it, I have maybe 2-3 good cries a year where I let myself break a little, let myself crumble. They don't last long though, maybe 20 minutes, maybe an hour, then I go back to being my positive, joking self. I can't help but feel like a burden to the people that I love. Even though I know they love me and would do anything for me, I know how stressful it is to take care of me. Overwhelming at times. I just want to be content with myself, be helpful. Don't get the wrong idea here, I don't always mope or feel bad, but they are passing thoughts.
As for myself usually, I'm very playfully sarcastic, joketive, fun, funny, big hearted, caring, and creative. I love anything to do with art. Crochet, painting, drawing, creating. I mostly love drawing though, peoples portraits, tattoos, anime, etc.
I also love doing repaints of dolls.
When I'm creating something, I get into a zone, a zone where everything fades away, time, worry, stress.
Well, that's pretty much me, can anyone relate?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Captain Spaulding: This appears to be your introductory post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[-jimi-]

You sound like an interesting person. I like some of the stuff you do. I can't focus though, so I lost a lot of my creative interests. How do you go about doing art with your disability? Yes, I'm nosy. I know repainting dolls is the new big thing, LOL, and some of it is really cool I think. Also I'm curious where your user name comes from. MASH related or that other thing?