I had a hard session with T today. He says he loves me and all of my parts, but at the same time, he is really pushing for integration... I think he says that will make me "more" not "less". I usually agree with him, because I find losing time, doing things *I* wouldn't normally do, etc. etc. tiring and confusing. I know my teen doesn't agree...

Anyhow, we are dealing with CSA. I really, really, really, really want to heal. I don't want it. I want it to go away, but I know I can't make that happen. So I just want to feel better - to not have it constantly pop into my head and haunt me, to not be triggered by things that are normal to other people, to let go of all of this fear. I talked to T about it today.

He says that my littlest part has done a really good job of telling him what happened, but that now *I* need to tell him, using adult language and adult words. He said that it will help it become integrated as part of my life story, not this string of horrible events that keep coming back up over and over and over again.

When he said that, the room started to spin. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I know to put my feet on the floor when that happens (because I sit all curled up on the couch) so I put my feet on the floor and kind of leaned on T. But the thing is, whenever two parts of me kind of "collide" that happens. And talking about it, ME, grown up me talking about is so so so so scary. I guess because little me has held it for so long. I'm scared to let it cross over.

I don't know if I am making any sense. But it's scary.

Has anyone else had to do this? I mean, I know I don't *have* to, but has anyone done this? It just terrifies me.

[Luce]

Yes. I have done it.

It IS scary. Because it challenges all your defences. Ever since the events happened you have kept them away from you, not daring to touch them or look at them or think about them or even barely acknwledge them, and here T is telling you that you need to change all of that and actually OWN them as yours. Scary stuff. And perhaps the scariest thing is that he is right.

BUT
it takes time for that to happen. Sooooo much time. And, whether you know it or not, you are working towards it all the time. I bet there was a time when you wouldn't even have acknowledged that anything had happened at all. And yet here you are, allowing other parts of you to tell their stories to T, effectively acknowledging that those stories need to be told. And here you are telling US about it. It is still too hard to own it outright, but you are able to own it by default. That is progress, in baby steps, and in my opinion that is the best way for it to happen.

It sounds like T expects you to be able to get from point A to point Z in one fell swoop, and I can completely understand why that is absolutely terrifying. It it were me, I think I would immediately employ all of my defences and withdraw. It would be too confronting, too overwhelming, too soon, too MUCH. Taking teeny tiny little baby steps can deliver you to the same destination SAFELY.

From what I have read I wonder if it might be easier to firstly explore some 'what ifs'. Like... IF it had happened to me, what would it mean about me? What would it mean about my parents? What would it mean about the abuser? Exploring some of those issues from a emotionally removed point of view made it easier for me.

Another thing you could try is to very slowly start talking about the events as though they happened to someone else entirely. Talk about 'some other little girl'.

One of the underlying defences of dissociation is to deny that an event happened to the self. It follows that one of the HARDEST obstacles in healing is to reconnect those events with the self. You don't have to let T push you around about this one. It is *really* hard stuff. You know how much you can handle. It is totally okay to go at your pace, and to tell T to back off when necessary. After all, it isn't him who is going to suffer the consequences of pushing too hard too fast.

Travel gently on your journey, Miss Tree.

Luce

Wow, thank you so much for your wisdom. It really helped to read it, and I will definitely read it quite a few more times.

I like your idea of talking about it like it happened to some other little girl.

I know T won't push me before I am ready. He said today that if I talk about it too soon, it wouldn't be a good thing. But he said when I am ready, he can help me find ways to talk about it. And that's when I asked "what ways"? And THAT is when he said *ME*, grown up me, talking about it in adult language. And that's when the room started to spin.

Your wise words helped a LOT, and helped me realize why my reaction to this is so, so, so strong. I think you gave me some language I can use to talk about talking about it to T, and I needed that.

((((((((((((((((((Luce)))))))))))))))))))

Thank you

[Foomph]

I found the easiest way for me to talk about it was to have/let my t ask questions. Then I only had to answer/correct/elaborate and I didn't have to tell a whole story from a to b. That made it a LOT easier for me but still fu*kin* hard.

He was then able to gradually put the pieces together and get the full picture so that HE could say it and I didn't have to speak of the entire thing, but rather just agree with him.

I don't know if it's the same or not, but it worked for me.

((((((((((((((((Foomph)))))))))))))))))

Thank you for that idea. That is how T and I finally started processing my r*pe. He said it first, and finally, after hearing it enough (and dissociating every time) I was able to start to be present, and own it, and finally say it, and talk about it. And now it's more of "something that happened to me" than something that overwhelms me and brings me to my knees whenever I think about it.

I hadn't thought about doing that with the CSA, but maybe we could do it that way.

I am so grateful for the ideas and experiences on these forums!

[multipixie9]

I'm glad Luce and Foomph had such wise ideas. There does come a time when you will be ready and then able to own/express things you could never imagine owning some time before.

It is wise to take it slow and not push anyone so hard they flee the process.

Over time I have gained lots of ability to own the abuse and YET know who is really to blame for it (the abusers NOT us). I have grown affection for my inner family and respect for their courage and sympathy for their suffering and I am owning my family of insiders. I used to be so afraid of what they knew and experienced that I was mean and rejecting because I was not ready to believe them and be on their side. Now I am and I am getting more strongly protective of them and more strongly respectful of what they have done for us all.

It will come at the right time. The more I learn to accept them the easier it gets to accept their truth and the less I blame any of us. We did not have choice back then - but we are developing choice now. We choose to heal and to love ourselves. There is no one better than we are - that sounds prideful, but it just means that we are fully human, a full member in humanity and no one has the right to treat us as an object or a disposable anything. We ALL matter.

Leslie's inner family

ps: i guess i got off the subject a bit, but I remember being so scared of me - but now it feels unreal to fear/hate my alts and it feels real to own all of us and real to be proud that we survived and we did not become like those evil people who chose to hurt us when we were small. We are special and unique and no one can replace us and the same is true for any of us online here.