[WePow]

Before posting this, I debated on the subject. I wanted to say "Lost Emotional Virginity to T" .... but I was afraid some would ignore the trigger warning and read this when they did not need to do so. But what happened to me in therapy this week was one of the most intense events of my life.

I am a survivor of very early sexual child abuse. A part of the trauma was the fact that my mother constantly told me from as early as I can remember that I had to be a virgin when I got married. She said that girls who were not were not loved and would not find anyone who would ever want them. Because I was raped at 2 1/2 yrs of age, I never had physical virginity. It was stolen from me and I could not get it back. And to add insult to injury, I matured thinking I was worthless because I was "tainted" and "contaminated" because I was not a virgin.

The therapy I am working on at this point in my life comes as a second round of healing after having a wonderful college counselor helped me stabilize from chronic abuse. This time around, I am having to do the hard work - the trauma healing. And wow - I knew it would be tough, but never thought it would be THIS tough.

For me, a symptom of my past trauma is that I have never been able to actually expose myself emotionally to another human. I have had relationships and friendships, I have been married, and I have had good counseling, but at all times, I kept the door shut to my center being. For most of my life, I did not even realize who I was in the center. I knew in my mental house that there was a basement and at the end of the hallway was a cinder block red room I was terrified to enter. I knew someone was in that room - but I did not know who it was. The one thing I was certain of was that it was the most sensitive center of my entire being. And it was a place that no other human had ever seen.

So that brings us to the main event this week!

This year brought me into crisis mode - and my trauma work was started because my mind and soul decided it was time. T has been excellent at working to make sure I was in a safe place and had the structure I needed to work these trauma issues. He has gone beyond the call of duty many times when I needed someone to be there. And with his help, I have been able to enter that basement myself and discover that the inhabitant is a 15 yr old me who happens to be very upset with what life has brought our way. She did not even have a name for herself - that part of me was so low in ego awareness that we didn't even have a name. She ended up accepting being called Mick.

Mick has been a true alter for many years and expressed herself when I would loose my temper. I always was tossed into the background and just watched in horror as a different me ranted and such. Thankfully, the work I have done through the years with my other alters has allowed me to be able to push my host awareness forward enough to keep us from being fired - although we have been warned more than once. But she did not talk with anyone, and no one talked with her. Furthermore, even in the most intimate friendships, the emotional truth at the deepest level could not be accessed.

This week in session something happened though... for the first time in my life, Mick came forward in honesty - as herself - and allowed T to see her. We allowed T to see and witness the anger, humiliation, and pain that we carry at that deepest level. It was the first time in my life I have ever been naked or touched .... as a Human ....

It was the most frightening experience I have ever had with another person. But at the same time, it was the most wonderful. He had earned our trust. And we needed this to happen in order for true healing to happen.

Yesterday I spent the entire day thinking about what happened Thursday. I thought about the tender way T watched the expressions of pain come forward. I heard his words of support and kindness. I felt honored by him. And I felt a love so pure - love of a single human for another human who was in agony. It was my first time...

Guys, for this kiddo, this was big. Not just little time big, but big big. It is so big because this time it was about me giving the right person access to who I was. It was not taken from me. It was something that belonged to me and something I kept safe.

The reason I am sharing this is because I know many of you have this part of you deep inside. Some have an angry alter just like I do. And many have had to endure the same early childhood loss I describe above. But we have something inside us that belongs to us and is ours to give to the right person at exactly the right time. It is our truth.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((wpowers))))

Thank you again for sharing yourself with us. It touched my heart in a way I cannot describe. Just to think of that scares me to death. I have not allowed anyone near that part of me. I am not sure I ever can. Something inside me is really scared after reading what you wrote. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I do know what you are talking about. I know the horror of childhood and though I do not know everything yet, I am working on it. I just am in a set back right now. But I am encouraged by what you have shared at the same time I am terrified. I am not sure I can allow anyone there.

Maybe I am just not there yet. Maybe in time I will feel stronger and able to think on those things. But for now, I feel honored to share this with you. I am so honored to be your friend and to hear what you are doing. I am proud of both you and Mick. You both have taken a giant leap of faith both in yourself and in your t. I am so glad he was there for you and that you found that trust.

But mostly I am glad that you had the choice and the decision was yours. That no one could do that but you. For all of us decisions were stolen and trust was never there. And that is something big to be able to learn to trust and know it was your choice.

Thank you again for sharing. I am so proud of you and Mick for the work you have done. I think you are an example for us all. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[sabby]

(((((((((((((( wpowers & dps )))))))))))))))))))))

While I am not a multiple, I can still relate to what you went through this week wpowers. I think, at least for me, I have never found anyone to whom I could release the inner me to. I have come close one time though. Glad now that I didn't.

I applaud you and Mick for working so hard to come to such a level of trust to bare your innermost feelings that are so hard to touch, so hard to accept sometimes. Thank you also for having the courage to tell us about it, for you have helped me to understand that one can get to this point in their healing and discovery of self.

I wonder now, if I will ever have the courage to go there on my own. I've spent so many years ignoring what is there.....I guess I'll have to think about it.

Thank you again!

[writingwithink]

Thank you, wpowers. Very touching and powerful to read.

Peace,
writing

[Hunny]

Before posting this, I debated on the subject. I wanted to say "Lost Emotional Virginity to T" .... but I was afraid some would ignore the trigger warning and read this when they did not need to do so. But what happened to me in therapy this week was one of the most intense events of my life.

We, too, had this experience about one year ago. If I may call it more of a 'replacement than a loss' for us, something like what we could never get to with the mother figure and father figure who brought us to this world so we received from our Therapist.


I am a survivor of very early sexual child abuse. A part of the trauma was the fact that my mother constantly told me from as early as I can remember that I had to be a virgin when I got married. She said that girls who were not were not loved and would not find anyone who would ever want them. Because I was raped at 2 1/2 yrs of age, I never had physical virginity. It was stolen from me and I could not get it back. And to add insult to injury, I matured thinking I was worthless because I was "tainted" and "contaminated" because I was not a virgin.

Yes, we too had this early sexual abuse and agree with the word 'stolen' and a sense of being dirty.


The therapy I am working on at this point in my life comes as a second round of healing after having a wonderful college counselor helped me stabilize from chronic abuse. This time around, I am having to do the hard work - the trauma healing. And wow - I knew it would be tough, but never thought it would be THIS tough.

We too stabilized for chronic abuse of all kinds, not just early abuses.


For me, a symptom of my past trauma is that I have never been able to actually expose myself emotionally to another human. I have had relationships and friendships, I have been married, and I have had good counseling, but at all times, I kept the door shut to my center being. For most of my life, I did not even realize who I was in the center. I knew in my mental house that there was a basement and at the end of the hallway was a cinder block red room I was terrified to enter. I knew someone was in that room - but I did not know who it was. The one thing I was certain of was that it was the most sensitive center of my entire being. And it was a place that no other human had ever seen.

We understand this withholding.


So that brings us to the main event this week!

This year brought me into crisis mode - and my trauma work was started because my mind and soul decided it was time. T has been excellent at working to make sure I was in a safe place and had the structure I needed to work these trauma issues. He has gone beyond the call of duty many times when I needed someone to be there. And with his help, I have been able to enter that basement myself and discover that the inhabitant is a 15 yr old me who happens to be very upset with what life has brought our way. She did not even have a name for herself - that part of me was so low in ego awareness that we didn't even have a name. She ended up accepting being called Mick.

Our crisis mode came around the same time last year and we thank everyone, internally and externally who carried us through this time. It was our "Wish" who came to the surface, holding, what, we knew not but as the year has unfolded we now see.


Mick has been a true alter for many years and expressed herself when I would loose my temper. I always was tossed into the background and just watched in horror as a different me ranted and such. Thankfully, the work I have done through the years with my other alters has allowed me to be able to push my host awareness forward enough to keep us from being fired - although we have been warned more than once. But she did not talk with anyone, and no one talked with her. Furthermore, even in the most intimate friendships, the emotional truth at the deepest level could not be accessed.

We thank 'Wish' too for her expressions of anger, albeit, at times, very inappropriate externally, to the point of needing, redirection. Our host too would look back and wonder if she could ever be connected to 'Wish' because of her protective nature. No-one dare enter there. All external friendships ever could exhibit our innermost self.


This week in session something happened though... for the first time in my life, Mick came forward in honesty - as herself - and allowed T to see her. We allowed T to see and witness the anger, humiliation, and pain that we carry at that deepest level. It was the first time in my life I have ever been naked or touched .... as a Human ....

It was the most frightening experience I have ever had with another person. But at the same time, it was the most wonderful. He had earned our trust. And we needed this to happen in order for true healing to happen.

Not to say ours was the same but similar when our emotional revealing to this trusted and kind therapist was a turning point. It was after that, there was a kind of looking into the eyes that was a lot like a good mother gazing into the eyes of her infant child and bonding for a lifetime, a reassurance, a security, a peace, a love.


Yesterday I spent the entire day thinking about what happened Thursday. I thought about the tender way T watched the expressions of pain come forward. I heard his words of support and kindness. I felt honored by him. And I felt a love so pure - love of a single human for another human who was in agony. It was my first time...

This intensity of flagrant gentle love, all encompassing, full rounded care, concern a mother child adoration fully trusting and security, a knowing.


Guys, for this kiddo, this was big. Not just little time big, but big big. It is so big because this time it was about me giving the right person access to who I was. It was not taken from me. It was something that belonged to me and something I kept safe.

We greatly honour your Mick and my Wish for keeping this safe till it was time to give from that which we were and not from being taken! It is a respect that we deserve, all deserve!


The reason I am sharing this is because I know many of you have this part of you deep inside. Some have an angry alter just like I do. And many have had to endure the same early childhood loss I describe above. But we have something inside us that belongs to us and is ours to give to the right person at exactly the right time. It is our truth.

Yes!!!

We, thank you Mick and WPowers and the house to let us know we are not alone in our new found love & respect for self through restoration of our innocence!

[opheliasorrow]

((((((((((((wpowers. DPS, Sabby and everyone who struggles with early childhood abuse)))))))))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((any abuse)))))))))

I have pondered over this post wondering how on earth I can thank you enough. As I was reading through it my eyes welled up and the tears fell. You my friend are SUCH an inspiration to others who have been through this. I'm so very pleased and proud for you and Mick, this is a wonderful and fantastic and MASSIVE step in your healing. Thank you seems inadequate, but I assure you it is with heartfelt sincerity much love to you and your fantastic T ..... touched and inspired, Ophelia xxxx

[WePow]

Thank you all so much .... I am now very glad I shared this wonderful event. And thank you so much for sharing with me what it meant to you and for your experiences!!!

Wow, I mean Wow!

I am so glad I wondered over here and read your story, it puts some of the pieced together from your response to my thread.

It sounds like you have a very awesome T. I am just wondering how long you have been working with him? For me it has taken over a year with my current T to begin trusting her on a deeper level. I got to my dark spot this week too. I am not sure exactly what is there because I totally dissociated when I got there. But I am feeling today intense sadness inside today.

I am honored to know you and your story resonates with me on such a deep level.

[anderson]

Thank you all so much. I know at times we may appear to be able to be as open as wpowers . but the last couple of years we have not been able to heal and share from what happened to us in the not so distant past. THANK YOU ! Now that we are to the point of healing and able to share , you now give us the courage to share our shelves again. thank you from all of us

[Hunny]

It is good to help each other Anderson and others. Thank you all.

.

[multipixie9]

*****TRIGGER ALERT***** may be too intensely written.

we were sexually abused so early that it was pre-verbal and it continued until we were able to be impregnated and then it stopped... maybe.besides incest this was due to ritual abuse our mother's family were in. we were violated by males/females/ children and adults. it is extremely hard to write this. we don't know how many we were with. just to make it freakier, we had a strong denial system that believed we were a virgin who had chosen not to be with anyone both before and then after we became a member of the Christian faith. in truth we were extremely afraid of guys.

about 14 years ago i was horribly upset when i realized i wasn't "technically" a virgin when i married. it was so shocking to me/us to wrap our mind around it all. my husband was a virgin when we married and our personal beliefs put very high value on saving one's body for marriage partner. i felt i owed my husband an apology and yet i had never had any choice over what was done to me or with me.

it weirds me out that i have been able to deal with ritual violence (to some degree) and yet not deal with this issue. i feel like a prisoner in my own body.

i know i have never had freedom to allow anyone (except God possibly) to come close to me to acknowledge or heal any part of this. it has been torture to be married and have so much negativity and guilt inside concerning physical and emotional intimacy. i have allowed my husband to be emotionally abusive and i felt guilty because i know i have deprived him of the joy of healthy sex. he didn't abuse me and yet he is paying a horrid price because they damaged me so badly. it's not fair to either of us. i just HATE sex! i am angry with us for not being able to deal with this yet - which is cruel of me since none of us chose this, even the alts who "thought" they had a choice and chose to comply and some alts who truly enjoyed some things we did.

we used to hate the alts who responded humanly to human sexual behaviors done to us. it is so crazy-making because it ran the gamut from "gentle", even pleasant experiences to violent sexual sadism. it blows our mind and we know somewhere in the darkness of our "blind" system(blind in that no alt can see any of the others) are miserable, suffering parts who need to be freed. and somewhere there is a part or parts who are holding our most volcanic anger and rage toward the nasty, skanky, perverted COWARDS who twisted our precious little girl innocence into a nightmare so evil we hate the idea of even having a body and even more wish there was no such thing as sex....

as you can see, "we gots issues......" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if we have done wrong to write this here it is ok to delete this post. we don't want to hurt anyone with our words and yet we are so distressed that we wrote this anyway because we want to be heard and set free. it was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, F****** wrong!

we are so tired inside...

[WePow]

multipixie, thank you very much for sharing this. You have been through so much. Sending you very safe hugs!