leaving

I've been thinking 'bout it for awhile now. Then yesterday when one of my DID friends went thru a BAD (understatement) thing, I thought I can't help her. I just started therapy Wed. after a 2 month hiatus. I'm in my own deep stuff & seems I can't even focus on me much less on my friends who are DID. It's a new step we're doing in therapy, having my people come out, willingly. NEVER EVER done that. They've been out, but not saying, "Hi, I'm such & such!" & I can't handle it. This is a new NEW thing & change sux. Then when my friend e'd me 'bout what was going on (FYI, nobody from here so don't be thinking, What did I say???), I realized I can't tolerate dealing w/ my own DID, I certainly can't tolerate it from another. I told her I'll be there for her but I'm in a bad place myself. 2 seriously screwed up people can't help each other.
So, I'm gonna be leaving. I'll stick w/ some of my other groups that deal w/ "just" depression, anxiety, whatnot. But I can't deal w/ DID right now. I have to deal with my own & it's too much. I feel like I'm letting everybody down. I've been trying to keep up w/ the posts here but I haven't been 'me' lately. I kept w/ this group 'cos you know what it's like when I say "I'm not me". I'm at a turning point in my life now. I guess it's good if I think 'bout it now. If I'm able to have my people come out in therapy & have my T get to know them (SCARY!!!) at this point in time, means I'm at a good place. I have security, safety, I have a good, supportive husband who is driving me down to her other office which is an hour away 'cos she's not in her 2nd office for this summer. & he has an hour drive to work one way, then having to take me there, which will be weekly, that's 4 hours of driving every Wed. for him. But we decided I need weekly. Then I know I'm not gonna lose him when things start hitting the fan. My T is good, I just got scared & honestly, I thought she didn't believe I was DID even tho she specializes in it. I told her, I'm not gonna come in her w/ bleached hair & leather. My people are like me. We spent our lifetime hiding, now we are willingly coming out.... Oh My Gosh!!! But, I have security. I have my husband & a good T. As well as my parents. But mostly my husband who went in w/ me Wed. & will do so whenever I need him to.
I'm scared tho. I'm SOOOO scared. I never let people willingly see "my people". My fear was that people would call the cops & take us away. We're not like Sybil, they answer to my name, they act like me, they just do. But now I'm & my T are asking them to be themselves. My T said she would need to get to know them individually.
Ok, this is long. I'll still accept e's & I would LOVE for people to stay in touch. Just wanted a word of caution, I won't be able to help as much as I used to. But I will always listen.
So please stay in touch w/ me. I love you all & you've helped me, I guess you even helped me get to this remarkable point. But I need to concentrate on 'us'. A first here. A first.
Love you all! & thank you for Everything!
I’ll cancel my membership after I send this. I’m chicken that way. I’m sure I can come back, but now I just can’t be here.
Love,
RhysMadison

((((hugs)))) you don't have to cancel your membership... taking a hiatus is fine.... and remember, we have depression forum here too...

Just a note of caution, even though your other sides are sharing with your T (and spouse?) make sure the T helps them to realize that it might not be such a good thing to do so with the average public... and like you shared, perhaps not even with close friends?

This must feel very scary... learning things about oneself that were previously unknown. I know the feeling from when after I've had a flashback relating to my accident... and didn't know what I'd done and being told. I hope it feels ok for you to be aware of this information as it's disclosed...

But please stick around... you don't have to post or read much.... but it's good to have you still in PC's thoughts....

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(((((((((((((((rhysmadison))))))))))))))) once again you leave me admiring you and yours so much. you are an INCREDIBLE bunch.

i know the feeling of being overwhelmed...especially with things that hit very close to home.

we'll be here for you when you're ready to come back.

with great respect, admiration and love,

kd

((((((((((((((((((((rhysmadison)))))))))))))))))))))) Don't know if you are still around or not. Wishing you well and really proud of you for taking care of you/s. Hope you will choose to hang around even if in other forums posting or silent. We support you in what ever you decide to do.
lrks

RhysMadison,

I am sorry you are leaving before we got a chance to really know one another. I wish you bright hope and peace on your journey.

Petunia

((((((((((((((((((((RhysMadison)))))))))))))))))))))
i admire your courage so much- Please be gentle with yourself in getting to know parts. You are a great person and a true friend. Please don't be away too long.
i understand about not being able to write- it's perfect- you need to communicate on the inside now. Thank you for telling us- you will be so missed each day you're gone. Please come back soon and please be safe. i admire your courage and ability to put priorities in place. You will be better for it.
You're appreciated for who you are- Thank you for being a true friend.

please take care of you. i'll miss you so much.
Love,
kerria

Do what is safe for you my friend. I would love you to stay. But I respect your choice. You are a wonderful part of this forum and I hope someday you can return when it is safer for you.

Please stay in touch.

place

Do what you must, RhysMadison. I believe you are a survivor, I would never have let my others talk to a therapist when I was your age.
I haven`t been here long but for me you have been the calm voice of reason in every thread.
Sometimes there is too much happening inside to be giving so much of your thought to others.
I wish you could stay, but you must do whatever you need to make your selves safe & functional, we also will survive.

You all make it so hard to just leave this place!!
I've gotten several PM's & emails from people. I'm gonna stay, just won't post until I know I can do it in a safe manner, for you all.
I can do individual emails or PM's as I'd still like to give & receive support. But I don't have to leave. I guess I just needed people to let me know that. My addy is rhysmadison@aol.com
I truly believe I'm where I'm at now 'cos of you all here. Talking 'bout your probs, me commenting, makes me think & learn more 'bout inside. New perspectives. & lately, new awakenings.
I wanted support for what I'm going thru as it's new to me. But I didn't want to burden you all. That's not the main problem, I mean we've all shared a bunch here. The prob was I didn't know what or who was gonna come out. I know things won't be safe inside & I wasn't sure if that would carry over to this group. It just didn't 'feel' right. You know how we just know. I WILL keep this group safe for you all even if that means me leaving for a bit. I care too deeply for you all.
Irony is-
Had decided to leave some groups as well as accept the fact I won’t get a local friend. I have acquaintances I talk to locally, but not friends friends. Someone who I trust to see me/mes. After 5 years of living here, Wed. at my T's I told her I'm done w/ trying to get a local friend. I accepted my decision. Figured it was for the best, esp. now dealing w/ the inside. THEN Friday got 2 phone calls. What??? Now is not a good time for me to be making local friends. I just decided I don't want any, & I had 2 calls. Nobody calls us 'cept telemarketers. One was for my husband, a long-time friend of his who is worried 'bout her son. We talked for 'bout an hour 'cos he wasn't home. Ok, then a little later, another person called for him (he goes to a support group). Well, I know some of the people there & the one guy told this girl a little 'bout me (I don't mind, I tell people they can) 'cos she has a past like mine. Ok. Then we talked for 30 min. She said she wanted to be my friend... I told her I'm at a bad place right now. She understands diss. but not DID. & I really don't want to get into that w/ someone, not at this time. She was saying things like Well your H should take you to couns. He does, but I know it’s hard. He has an hour drive one way to work then to see my couns. at her other office, that’s 4 hours of driving he’s gonna be doing on Wed’s. I got defensive, Um people can only take so much. Well he’s gonna have to & if he can’t you need people who can. I’m thinking- I don’t know you. I can’t trust somebody for this. She was saying I can come over & just be me. I said I can’t until I know I’m safe. Well you are safe. AHHHH. She does NOT understand DID. My H later commented, she does not know what she’s saying/ asking.
SOOO, a bonfire today for the group. I wasn’t gonna go but she asked me to. I said I’ll think ‘bout it. I didn’t go. She said you can sit w/ me. Lady, you just don’t understand. I can’t just trust someone just ‘cos they say I can. I was getting irritated explaining this & thinking- Why now? 5 years, made my decision of no local friend, & now I have people ‘hounding’ me. She’s in her 40’s, kids, divorced. Even if I wanted a local friend, truth is, can’t be her. She’s too… She apologized several times. I’m sorry I called you, I shouldn’t have told you that. I shouldn’t… Lady, I do not need this!! I know we apologize for who we are, I do, but I don’t do it to a stranger. I was trying to help her then thinking- Why. I’m not gonna go back on my decision. I’m not at a safe place for me. I won’t be drawn into her probs & her woe is me. I won’t be made to feel guilty. You know how we feel that way when people apologize for breathing. She said I can call her, I said she can call me, reminded her again, I’m not at a good place…
I’m strong. I set boundaries & people will NOT cross them. I know what I can/ cannot handle. I don’t want to explain my DID to others. Oh I understand, she goes. She’s not ‘her’ at times. Not the same dang thing. It’s not. So I won’t explain. I will be there but she will not cross my boundary. My first & foremost thing is to get my people out & about w/ their memories. I don’t have it in my to try for friends. Well, we all need friends. Friends is a two way street. If you want, I can take you. You need to have friends. GRRRR.
Never tell me what I want or need. That doesn’t sit well. I have fighters inside who will come out & have come out. One did in the convo w/ her. She had enough of this lady. I know the lady is lonely & was just trying to be friendly. But I already warned her bad timing. I can’t just trust her. Took me a long time to do w/ my H & parents & even they crack at times under pressure. Well that’s why you need others… If people who know me (& mes inside) can’t handle me, how the blazes am I supposed to trust a stranger. Trust takes time. My people will be out when they are safe w/ whom they are safe with. Not anybody else & not any sooner.
So…. So much for leaving huh? I still will take a break. It’ll be good for us inside. But you know, I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time. I think that accepting of them (I accepted them, but was more like tolerated them) is healing me. I also know this won’t last. When the memories come out, tensions gonna rise. But until then, I’m gonna just enjoy listening to them. Always heard them, never listened.
Love,
RM

Good luck, and I'll miss you.

RM-just been here a short time. things you have said i have been able to relate to. i thank you for that.
i hope that when you feel safe you come back and say "hi".
white iris

Glad you will be around in what ever way you can that is safe for you (s) I am so proud of you for standing up and holding your boundaries. Yay!!!!!! That is Awesome!!!!!!!
lrks

(((hugs))) if you want them.... keeping yourselves safe is always a good thing! I'm glad you're staying also. We all ebb and flow with our therapy.. no matter what disorder we have. Trust that, this too, shall pass? It will get better, it won't always be so tense. I'm sure you will find a good way to post and be safe. TC

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