Tomorrow will come again.......................

darkpurplesecrets · May 11, 2010, 11:18 PM

Right now I do not want tomorrow to come yet I do not want to be stuck in tonight either. Today has been a very hard day as I sit here trying to listen to those within and listen to myself without and meet somewhere in the middle. My mind has not stopped thoughts since this morning and my heart has not stopped hurting either. Tears have fallen all day barely stopping long enough for me to run into the store. Distracting is something that seems to not be able to be reached.

Echoes wrote again over the last couple of days. A letter once again sat in the big chair which I knew in my heart not to look at alone, for once again Echoes wrote another memory from deep within where they hold the emotions and feeling with the memory of Mother’s day and why it is so hard and why it hurts to be touched. As I sat last night on the loveseat staring at the letter, something inside was afraid and feelings of worthlessness began to creep in once again----which really had not left me since Sunday.

These new memories of detail and emotion are hitting me like something I have never known. As I sat today listening to the letter I tried to be strong and to listen but within I was already running somewhere anywhere but where I was. Somehow I know I am ready to receive these or she would not be out now. She had to wait until the programming was broken knowing that the core and all within myself were safe. She seems to protect at all costs that little girl within and myself.

The words of the letter seemed to ring out and almost get louder over the hum of the air conditioner and the fan. Almost as if they were not really running for I could not really hear them but the words rang out in my head as though I was right there. The feelings returned and I knew from right almost at the beginning where she was going. I had been talking about mother just moments before and was asked what made me know to protect my children.

I could not get the words to leave my mouth other than the dream and feelings I had the day I went to load the playpen and stuff in the truck when I was getting ready to leave her house. I knew what the reason was yet had not connected any feelings to what I knew. But little did I know this was just the tip of what was lying within the words of that letter. I was trying to leave myself but for some reason I could not escape myself. Something within was holding on to me at that very moment.

My heart was pounding on the inside as the words began to resonate within myself. Tears were trying to form within my eyes but I was fighting them with all I had. The feelings of shame began to fill me and something within myself was surrounding me letting me know I was not alone. Those within feeling as though they were holding me up so I would not fall somewhere within and get lost.

The words spoken seemed to fill the room around me as the picture in my mind unfolded and for the first time I felt everything within the words being read. I had never felt those feelings of nothing and terror like I felt then. I was feeling sick and the room was spinning around myself but somehow I could not get away from what was being read. Somewhere inside myself the worthlessness I felt rose higher than the last memory. I felt lower than the dirt on the ground.

Listening I fought the fear within of the feelings I had never felt before. An anger feeling rose up, embarrassment of my friend knowing the exact memory that no one ever knew before. Something inside me could not look at her and wanted her to not look at me. The feeling I would somehow contaminate her with looks alone and touch was out of the question. As she read to me I wanted to escape and not be seen by anyone out a long her. The shame that I was that little girl and that was my parents and somehow I wanted to not belong there.

Knowing there was no way out, no way to deny what I knew was true----how was I to admit and allow myself to accept those very feelings rising up within me. The feeling I was unsure of how to have and those that I did not understand. My heart felt as though it was being stabbed and I did not want to breath anymore. How could they do this and even more how could I have survived? Questions filled my mind with no answers coming back. I just wanted someone to hear me, someone to know, yet at the same time trying hard to not be there.

As she finished the letter and the questions that she asked were deep and valid. Questions she had a right to ask, trying to be sure we were safe and that we would not have to pay once again. Something she did not know for we had no reason to know this. Love always cost something it always came with a price----a price too high for little girls to pay. The feelings of hurt became stronger as time went by. Not a sound could I speak nor could I look at my friend.

I sat there tears burning my eyes the feeling of being exposed as raw and bleeding everywhere. Feeling vulnerable to any feeling and at any cost trying to keep contained those very tears trying to be felt by many within and myself. At one point I felt myself disappear and once again Echoes stepped forth looking at my friend yet not speaking a spoken word. The protectors are on high alert right now protecting and watching at all cost to us all. She knows what she needs to do but at the same time is releasing what is all that I have never faced or felt.

I came back within the room and began to feel the tears escape my eyes rolling down my face. I was scared and my eyes burned almost as if on fire. I broke down crying hard for a few minutes before being able to pull it back up and stop the tears again. I sat there silently crying within and knowing that tears were escaping down my face but afraid to let go. I made myself get up and go into the other room thinking that somehow changing my sight would stop the tears. For a while it worked as I did something else to stay busy.

I made lunch but felt as though I was working as a robot in motions that I could not really control. I sat at the computer and ate talking to my friend about anything but what I had just went through. Time kept moving and it was getting time to leave for therapy. I knew that I needed to go but I did not want to. Finally I looked at my friend and I talked for a minute about the memories. It hurt and I fought back the tears knowing that I needed to leave. I put make-up on trying to cover my eyes that were red and the splotched face I could see.

I did not feel adult and I felt afraid of her touch yet I knew I needed a hug. Walking back from the kitchen before leaving I reached for a hug and yet something stood between me and her not really feeling anything but knowing she was there. My feelings were blocking my ability to feel any human touch for fear filled my insides. When I got to therapy, I felt strange. An anger and sadness came over me and I felt so small, much like I had felt before leaving my apartment. To look at my t was not okay so I kept looking away.

As I told him as much as I could he and I talked about my feelings and the fact of how everyone within and myself was working together. The feeling of not being totally alone and knowing they were holding me up so I would not fall as I felt I would crash with each word. He was impressed with our coming together and our willingness to talk about things. We talked about the anger, the sorrow, the shame, the guilt, and the feelings of needing to hurt. He told me he wanted me to write, draw, and write poetry----to just get it out on paper to where I could decide whom or when or if anyone reads it.

He was glad I could share the letter and face it with my friend and then come to therapy and work through parts of it. He knew I was having a difficult time and he wanted me to take care of myself. When I left there I felt very exhausted and overwhelmed. I went and did a couple of errands but I needed to get home, as I knew I was feeling to much to drive and needed to get off the road. I drove home and as soon as I came in, tears began to flow and I allowed myself to lean into the feelings for the first time. The hurt and pain I felt I cannot explain, for words could not touch the rejection and humiliation I was feeling.

The shame grabbed me and I felt as though I could not breath. I tried to distract myself but I could not. I could not stop what was taking place and I felt this need to hurt to somehow relieve the pain from the inside to the out. I tried to write and words began to come across this screen forming line after line, not knowing where they were all coming from I wrote tears falling and not feeling anything around me almost as if the room itself disappeared.

The phone rang and I jumped but I knew it was my friend. She called to check on me and all I could do was cry. I listened and I talked about therapy and what t had said not even sure that I made any sense. Questions came that I had no answers to for myself, and I struggled to hear her between the sniffles that were constant. My heart hurt and my shame rose high. So afraid I would contaminate her just talking I shyed away yet reached forward needing to know she was there. Tears falling that I could not stop.

When we got off the phone I finished the poem and tried to step away from the computer for a while. The feelings would not stop as I sat there trying to watch television and sleep fell but not for long as I awoke to a dream that scared me. I started to write again and my friend called to see how I was. I tried to tell her and the feeling of needing to hurt was so strong but I was fighting minute by minute, really second by second to not cut. I know that cutting relieves for the moment but that it also causes the guilt to rise once it is done. This I know makes me feel worse and then there is also the original thing I am trying to get away from still there waiting for me when the cutting is done.

So here I sit writing to step out of the hurt and allow myself to try to put words to what I am feeling. All I know is it hurts beyond words I could write. The worthless feeling is screaming at me and I feel not even as good as the dirt on the ground. Right now I need to feel this for I was never allowed to feel anything but fear. There is anger there also but somewhere within is also that voice of reasoning telling me we are okay and we made it. Somewhere between the black and white is the gray of feeling. We are trying and though this night is going to be long as I deal with things I have never felt, somehow I know morning will come again and we will be okay.

dps

jen29 · May 11, 2010, 11:44 PM

((((DPS)))
Sending you gentle hugs today and always. Wishing there was something i could say or do....you are so strong and you are so brave. Know that am here for you today and always. With lots of love to you and yours
Jen

darkpurplesecrets · May 12, 2010, 04:16 AM

((((jen))))

Thank you hon. I know you are here and that means more than you know. Right now I am just trying to listen and to hold on. It is so fresh and am feeling it all. But time will heal and we will keep going. Thank you for caing. Love you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

anderson · May 12, 2010, 04:37 PM

(((Dps)))
Know that we are here with you to as we sit under the dream tree. with stuffies nd soft blanket. My you feel us surporting you as you surport us when our feet are not steaddy. safe hugs from all of us to all of you!

bipolar_bear · May 13, 2010, 08:36 AM

Know you are incredibly brave and strong. I am here should you want someone to be by your side. Letting your emotions come and go and eventually help you heal. You are not alone.

BB

May 13, 2010, 08:34 PM

((((( DPS )))))

Wishing you lots of support.

WePow · May 16, 2010, 05:27 PM

((((((((((( DPS )))))))))))) wow! We just had a chance to read this. We send you tons of hugs and tons and tons of hearts.

Miracle1986 · May 22, 2010, 10:32 AM

Thinking about you dps

Jewels · May 22, 2010, 06:06 PM

((((((((((dps))))))))))

wondering how you are doing right now...know that we are here for you, sitting with you...

Jewels

darkpurplesecrets · May 29, 2010, 08:28 PM

Sometimes we wish tomorrow would not come again. Sometimes it feels as though tomorrow will replay today. Sometimes feelings do not change by tomorrow. Sometimes tomorrow finds us wondering why? And sometimes we just don't know.

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