[darkpurplesecrets]

Triggering------Triggering------Triggering------Triggering

In silence and alone I write trying to find the words to the thoughts that I do not understand. The feelings run much deeper than I can connect to, much deeper than I understand. Feelings that I cannot explain seem to engulf me and I find myself silenced without but anything but silent within.

At times I feel clarity, knowing a destination that I am reaching for. At times able to connect to people and life itself, at times words make sense and a sense of direction like I almost know where it is I am going. Seems as if I breath just right I will not stop, I will not be totally alone.

But within what seems as seconds everything turns, almost like a light switch is flipped—as on an automatic time. One word can cause this sudden change that fills as though a million dominos fall without warning. And I am in the midst of something I cannot stop for it is bigger, than those within and myself. Voices become strong and so loud that my head could explode.

A voice cut off from the outside and a voice strengthening around my head. I am not alone for within so many fearing unable to connect to those without. Between their fear and this ever-raging terror of my own I feel as though I am trying to even connect where once connections were possible.

Words—twisted at every angle, sometimes throwing off the opposite of what is being said—sometimes barely changing but enough to know the difference. At times its impossible to speak at all as the vice seems to tighten with a grip that feels as though your head is about to explode.

The pulling away from the reality surrounding one’s self is so strong. You feel yourself trying to pull back as though your between two objects that swell so huge they almost suffocate you and shut off all sound of the reality it pulled you from.

And you want to come back, to hear the voice of safety, but what feels like forever holds on. Fear envelopes you and you try so hard to not allow it to seal, hoping with what feels like eternity will pass if you somehow hold on.

Something inside is happening, something you have no control of. Seems there are voices that are familiar yet so far away. A voice you have heard so many times yet muffled just enough you cannot make out whom it is. A strong voice, one you know not to disobey.

A feeling comes over you as if at any given moment something will happen yet it comes and goes, getting stronger with each day that passes. A shadow dances amongst my eyes of a person—someone familiar almost making sure you recognize them yet molding away into something else.

Trying and taunting one’s mind to where you are scared to move, but scared not to. At times this shadow reaches to you almost as a form you recognize giving a feeling of safety, someone you know—good. And you want to feel the goodness so bad that you almost reach back and the ugliest form stares back at you. You try to retract away but it pulls you in—almost swallowing you. And you find yourself afraid to reach at all.

Littles within fearing once again where they at times almost touched hope, many retracting back more than reaching out. Hearing the cries inside—a familiar feeling of a time before. Trying to calm them at times so hard as many do not live in a present time but in a time that this fear that fills us is real.

A pressure from within stronger that anything we have felt, one that makes sure of it’s presence—one that’s hold tightens with each passing day. The sad and fear filled expressions once again screaming within. A known not only to myself but one that resides deep, deeper than anyone knows.

Memories coming one after another, not even allowing one to complete before the other one starts. Many times opening up the blackest crevices that have never seen light, exposing every detail in images that one cannot mistake.

The truth rolling out in vivid candid motion—devastation everywhere and you try to look away but the debris flies everywhere and covers every part of your thoughts, and before one seems to end another steps overlapping the last.

You try to change the channel but every channel is the same. You try to turn down the volume but it gets loud anyway you turn. It’s as though you’re in a room and it is spinning and every angle hits you whether you close your eyes or not.

Dreams which are nightmares, attack at any moment, vivid, as if happening now. Those who you know were never there, appearing within the scenes and the closest person in your life among the monsters, laughing and doing things they never did. And when their face turns for a moment it is them, but all too soon it changes and your caught lost in the mass confusion.

You awake crying out to close your eyes back at another scene. The scenarios are so closely related but always full of terror and truth, yet infiltrate with lies that seem to try to take any trust away. And knowing those now were never there you try to hold onto that piece that keeps slipping away between dreams.

Each memory seems to bring new body memories that are unexplained—appearing for a short period before disappearing just as fast. But it scares you and speaks volumes that sometimes you wish would stop. And questions seem to invade your mind of “what is happening?” or “what do others think?”

At times I am so afraid. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Thoughts sometimes come that I do not know where they come from. I feel myself pulling away to silence, and it scares me. Part of the fear is it feels it is not only myself pulling me away. Constant chatter within and feelings of something I cannot explain are infiltrating me.

Somewhere between the constant chatter within and the silence without I am pushing away, it is not something I plan—it is just happening. Time seems to tick away as memories overtake thoughts.

So many times wanting to reach out so someone knows I’m here yet having a feeling to shrink away feeling as though no one would understand and a thought constantly encircling it’s no one’s place.

Keeping within myself this tornado that constantly spins and twists. Trying to hide emotions that not even myself understands. Feelings that terrify me more than anyone knows.

How can someone put inside another so much one doesn’t know exists until it’s too late? To bring one to a place of dissociation and create within something unknown and yet the one writing can only use words to try so hard to tell what is going on.

Many times I ask “Why Me?” And there seems to be no answers. So many things have happened and still I write. I’m tired and wonder how anyone can really love me. They said they loved me and they beat me, hurt me, and called me a worthless nothing, a nobody.

They said if I did not do what they said they could make another just like me. But that was not love. Maybe I was just stupid, or maybe I just did not want to know. Or maybe somewhere I was hoping deep down things would change and it was all just a bad nightmare.

A silent scream is screaming here among these words for a voice seems all but gone within to find safety. Hanging on what feels like an edge that at times feels like it is slipping away slowly and silently.

I am holding on with all I have but it’s getting harder. I won’t let them win but this fight is not over. God please help me, I’m scared. It feels I’m slipping away not of myself, but who? I don’t want to fall, but something feels it’s pulling one away—even from myself.

I am fighting with all I have as is everyone within myself that is me, so unsure of what we are facing but trying to push forward as best we can. All we have is our words to convey the thoughts and feelings within. Thank you for listening.

dps

[Gr3tta]

Thank you for sharing your words dps. We send you all the strength and caring thoughts we can.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

[Jewels]

We hear you so well, we were just wanting you to know that...

[anderson]

((((DPS)))))
Just know that we are thinking about you and all those with in. Those within us are still trying to find safety with those near us. It is not an easy task when all those within are overwhelmed with all that has happen in our lifes.

[Elysium]

(((((DPS)))))

I started reading your post. I had to stop. I, too, have been having a difficult time and sometimes I just can't take others pain in if it feels to deep for me.

Just understand that I am here and I am thinking of you!! I'm sorry you hurt. I understand what you were saying in the beginning of your post, about the feelings and emotions being so deep that you can't describe them. I feel like that a lot right now. I do not feel I have the words to describe the depth of what I feel. The words do not exist. Simply saying I hurt, or I am sad doesn't even scratch the surface.

I will try and read your post later...maybe tomorrow. For now, please know I care....and that I am here with you!!

[Miracle1986]

(((dps)))

[Nupoet64]

DPS....hugs and tears and support...