[Rhiannonsmoon]

I know, I understand and I am just here in the background supporting you. There is no requirement to say or do anything. I have no expectation of you, no need for you to acknowledge, no need to reciprocate. Just so that the realisation is yours that you are simply not alone but don't need to be obliged or expected to say or do anything at all. Just so you know.

The memories dig away or assault, harrass or harangue, they burrow into the body and the mind never letting us get too far away from them. the mind races so much that the throat goes dry and brittle because I don't realise I've been breathing just as rapidly as the thoughts race through my mind.

Jaw clenched to try to control what comes through.Tongue pushing hard against my bottom teeth to try to push back the memories that want to overrun me as I look frantically in every direction for an escape route.

The pain behind the eyes, pushing them out and open when I just want to close them and go within. There is always someone wanting out while I want in. There is always something stopping me from fully reaching out because the fear of being hurt and damaged even further is as powerful as it was the first time.

Sitting with my pc on my lap my head forcedly facing forward at the screen, all I can see is that one window so that everything else is forced out of my field of vision because to look at the table brings a memory, to look at the black quiet tv screen brings another; the window another, the clouds moving across the sky yet another memory is connected to. Neck locked in so tight so that I don't have to look left or right to see any more memories, so that they can't force their way in and add to the pain; but that is self deception because they come from above and behind, from every direction I can't see into.

Memories come from my arms and hands, my legs and feet, from my back and the top of my head. From simply everywhere, so holding my neck so stiff and forward so that I won't give any attention to new memories making their way to the surface is just a bluff for me to think I have some control. It's like falling into a pit of snakes, they are just everywhere and there is no escape.

I sit with every one of you who go through this a million non-stop times a day and night, like a pianola roll stuck on its tune and driving you mad. I stand in the background with such love and compassion for you all, knowing what you are going through, but also knowing the fear of reaching out and trusting that someone can help, because help is always dependent on the therapist receiving their gratification that they have "made me better" they got their "payoff" just like pavlovs dog. They start out caring and end up doing the job for their own gratification.

Being mentally ill, and being a counsellor has given me the realisation that I can't afford to want a payoff because that would make me complacent and uncaring about the client; it would make me be there for my own ego feeding, not for the needs and hopes for the one I am supposed to be helping, or trying to help.

Though I am my own worst enemy I am my own best teacher. And in quietly and lovingly supporting you without need for you to say a single word, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, caring about you, giving you strength to move at your own pace, not overloading you and not weighing you down so that you are unable to move forward.

Genuine unconditional love to you all, genuine support that asks for not one thing in return, nothing whatsoever. I am just here so that you are not alone,


Rhiannon

[Nupoet64]

(((((Rhiannon)))))...TY so much for the lovely post. I am grateful for you support adn postings, they help me when I am down or confused....many safe adn gentle hugs.....

[yogirl]

((((((((((Rhiannon))))))))))

ty♥

[DancingAlone]

(((((((((((((Rhiannonsmoon)))))))))))))

what a beautiful and deeply moving post...thank you

[Miracle1986]

I am sitting here with happy tears rolling down my face for the first time in I don't know how long.

Thank you so very much Rhiannonsmoon! Words can not begin to describe how much your post meant to us. Just to know someone is out there who accepts us ans supports us with no strings attached. For our whole life, there has been strings attached to everything. It is so very nice to have genuine support and acceptance for once.