[innocentjoy]

I had a dr's appointment today, and the dr ended up taking a biopsy of a mole that I have. I was surprised that she felt she needed to, and wasn't expecting it to happen right there in the office. So now, on top of the rest of the week, and the trigger of just seeing her, I have this to wait and guess about. She also made a pointed comment about how my therapist is not good at communication, that he said my prognosis is really good, and then went on to talk about volunteering. She feels I should start volunteering because it will let me realize that everyone has issues, and to stop thinking my life is so bad. I HATE that becuase I KNOW my life (on paper) is pretty damn good. The fact that everything is all over the place and I feel so terribly just makes it worse. And I've taken international development in school, and lived in a couple other countries, I REALIZE that things are pretty good here.

Over the last few weeks I've had a lot of issues to deal with. Last week I got very sick from the heat, and had a fever. I also had really bad allergies that are now getting tested. I had a really triggering appt with my therapist, and my case worker is on holidays. Today she's getting major surgery done. I haven't slept properly in weeks, which makes everything worse. As well I've had major problems with low blood sugar lately. And because it's in reaction to what I eat, I can't just have something sugary to bring it back up. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed.

What I hate the most is that when I'm in apts I usually switch to a part of me that is the "good" girl. With this dr I usually feel extra vulnerable bc I know her views on me and how I just "make things up" in my head, so it's usually the 8 year old. I'm extremely vulnerable to any criticism when the 8 yr old takes over, and it's not until I'm out of the situation and in a safe place that I will melt down...and then it's a major one.

It feels like I just keeping "letting" this happen, bc I can't advocate as myself when I switch. And then afterword, the angry me comes out. Sigh. It's so tiring. Does anyone else ever get into modes/alters where they aren't able to stand up for themselves?