I had a notebook, where I wrote down a lot of things the other parts of my consciousness had to say, drawings too. I was always afraid that someone would find it and start asking questions.

Today, I tore out the offending pages, tore them to pieces and threw them out. There was neither joy nor reprieve: simply a solemn sense of duty. I thought to myself that years from now that I'll want to see these pages and want to know. Yet... it had to be done. In my quest for truth- this is not the first time I have demolished my flights of fancy. My lies.

The sad part is that I'm still afraid. Afraid that someone, somewhere, at some time will tape the pieces back together and read.

And then I will no longer be able to run away from my shame.

I also wished within my heart of hearts that I could do this for everything I did back then. I wish I could take my old posts here and tear them up. I wish I could rip apart my old journal, I wish I could request that my T take his copies of my journal and throw them in the shredder. As if to take this part of my life and pretend it never existed.

But I know I can't do that.

So instead, I patiently wait for things to hide.

[Irine]

i understand you. i wanted to do the same,,,i did the same years ago and those things i destroyed were very embarrassing and today i still wish.

But you see - there is no use hiding. For you - it is there even if its torn apart.

[invisigirl]

there with you as well... there are so many things that they tell/show me that they want me to record... but I haven't. I just can't bring myself to do that and let the lies out. I don't want to acknowledge them or give them that kind of credence... but how do you rip up thoughts?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Kaika

I had a notebook, where I wrote down a lot of things the other parts of my consciousness had to say, drawings too. I was always afraid that someone would find it and start asking questions.

Today, I tore out the offending pages, tore them to pieces and threw them out. There was neither joy nor reprieve: simply a solemn sense of duty. I thought to myself that years from now that I'll want to see these pages and want to know. Yet... it had to be done. In my quest for truth- this is not the first time I have demolished my flights of fancy. My lies.

The sad part is that I'm still afraid. Afraid that someone, somewhere, at some time will tape the pieces back together and read.

And then I will no longer be able to run away from my shame.

I also wished within my heart of hearts that I could do this for everything I did back then. I wish I could take my old posts here and tear them up. I wish I could rip apart my old journal, I wish I could request that my T take his copies of my journal and throw them in the shredder. As if to take this part of my life and pretend it never existed.

But I know I can't do that.

So instead, I patiently wait for things to hide.

human beings naturally go through many periods / phases of their lives and along with it comes times when humans do things for all kinds of reasons - to fit in with their peers or a group, for attention, for some undiscovered need, or need they once had but have out grown and now those things bring embarrassment.

if the posts are here on psych central I think its possible to contact the moderators and ask them to remove all your past posts so that you can start with a clean slate. Ive also read posts here where people have changed their names and closed out one account and opened new ones so that their old posts dont keep following them throughout their time here.

Suggestion - you contact a moderator and they can help you fix it so that your past posts here that are embarrassing to you, dont keep following and causing you problems.

On the plus side: depression and general dissociative...ness are getting better. For a long time I havn't been getting those episodes where it's like the world around me isn't real and I'm on the outside looking in.

On the negative side, forgetfulness and anxiety are getting worse. Or... maybe they havn't changed at all and I'm just noticing it more. I keep debating how much of it is psychological vs biological, but it's sort of a pointless debate in the end. Alarmingly, I've always been this way and in the past predicted this would happen and tried to prepare but somehow in the end those preparations were all for naught. Over all, I'd like to think of myself as a normal person. Everyone else see's me as a normal person, and considering the flightyness of my problems at this point I have no reason to argue. Whoever thought that normal could ever mean easy? Or easier? My life should be easy and yet I'm finding it difficult. It's really sort of pathetic, but then again I'm sure there are so many more people who are equally if not more so pathetic then I.

For nearly 2 years I have lived as a pathetic empty shell of a person, too worried to be a bother to anyone and as a result slipping into invisibility and passiveness in a time I should be moving forward. it's bad but it's a common phenomenon in modern society. There are many people in the world who have lived their lives this way for 5... 10... 15 years. Doing nothing, becoming nothing, being worth nothing. I give up too easily. I try too hard. In the end, I have stories to tell but will people even listen? Do I have the will to even get them on paper? In your ears?

In the end, all I can do is try hard every day, and eventually I'll move forward.

Kaika

No matter what you do with your journals or the journals that T has, your truth will never become invisable. You will never be invisable as much as you may want to . You will be and are heard. Your story is etched into your brain like lines on an old phonograph record.
Yes you can change it and you probably will , for the better. Don't deny yourself your truth because by denying that, someone elses may become invisable. I am trying to remember a quote but my brain won't co operate.
You are so much more than your past.

Kaika...That shame doesn't belong to you. It is on whomever hurt you so badly.

[Elysium]

(((((Kaika)))))

[disguise123]

oh how much I can relate to this, I have shed my skin many times, my bipolar has led me to do so many shameful things, I know its all there in my past. It used to drive me insane (for want of a better word)
Now the years have given me some distance and I'm no longer terrified of my past but I don't talk about it or dwell on it much.........
I think things that are causing you pain need to be addressed but for me I'm happy to let my sleeping dogs lie.
I hope you can find peace with this.

[anderson]

( ( ( Kikia ) ) )
It is the hardest thing for all of us to accept the fact that the shame is not ours but those that choice to hurt us. I still have people come up to me telling me that I told them things that I dont even remember telling them from years ago. In the end we all have things that can come to haunt us but the shame and debt truely belongs to those that used us and caused us pain.
Sending safe thought to all of you from all of us.

[Crew]

Your in our native heart love and safeness surrounds you now... yOu can do anthing now... (((((Kaika)))))) nothing can hold you back now....
Your a bird that is free to look in and see and fly back out when things get thick... livin moment by moment is sometimes that is all we can do....

your always in our thoughts....
Big hugs, Crew

[constantdreamer]

Kaika... I am in some ways the flip side of your coin... I feel disconnected from reality... I have chronic depersonalization, and I dissociate... I sometimes find drawings or things I wrote that I don't remember doing... sometimes people will tell me I said something I don't remember saying... If I have to stand up for myself I have to distance from myself to do it... I cherish all the info I can find out about myself, especially the hidden parts... even though I'm embarrassed by some/a lot of it... In someways I'm scared of losing those parts of me... I hope you can find or make peace with the parts of you that cause you pain... It's hard I know... I stuggle with it all of the time... but in the few moments of acceptance I experience from time to time, I find some serenity...

[Jewels]

(((((((((( kaika ))))))))))

i know the pain of surrendering secrets and those things that we think are lies too much to bear...but no matter how far we fly from them, we can never get away from them, for they always find their way back to us, and rather than give us peace, they give us pain and embarrassment and grief...but, if we freely embrace them as the truths that they are, we will find that we do not have to destroy the evidence because we will find we are no more destroyed by them than when we wrote about them in the first place...

i pray that the pain and embarrassment of finding the truth of these things that haunt you right now will find resolution within and give you the peace that you are now seeking...

Jewels