[Gr3tta]

Hi to all. I'm not.....we're not sure where to put this but this is where most of our friends are. We just are really tired. We just want to lay down and not get up. We just don't think we can take another hit right now. We keep trying to get it together, to get us together, to be some kind of normal, to be some kind of happy, but it's starting to wear us out. We're starting to revisit all the old places where everything is our fault, where we deserve any bad thing that might come our way, where we must hustle to punish ourselves before anyone else can. Every time we make the mistake of thinking there isn't anything that hasn't been done to us already....we get schooled on something new. We are really hurting, and we are about as scared of ourselves right now as we are of others.

[Crew]

(((((((Gr3tta))))))) I am so very sorry you are feeling so tired...therapy isn't for wimps, that is for sure! I have been I think where you are now and yes it is very tiring but please know that it is so worth it for your system or your self and to find sleep when ever possible and healthy eating helps the memories not be so hard on your body.
This is a huge huge step in your healing. Yes, starting to see where you say is "your fault." Not knowing what you have went through; I just feel in my opinion that when you say your at the point of "your fault" that to me says, I just have to write Gr3tta and let you know that it is impossible for anything to be your fault as a child and even as an adult, if your in a situation that your life is unbalanced and that "fault" is being put on you by someone that wanted harm to come towards you, then YES it is THERE FAULT, not Your Fault, imo!
When I came to the place you have described that meant somehow my mind or my mind, body and parts "alters" are ready to deal with this. And with each memory you conquer, which btw, you already did, now the hard part is talking about it, dealing with it and then letting it go. Yes I had trouble with the letting it go too!
Hang in there, keep journaling so other parts can come out and say there part of the memory. I learned from my system and other people systems that if one little part is not mentioned, then we couldn't finish that particular "puzzle/memory." It does get easier along the way and know were thinking about you. PM me if you ever need to chat even if it's only to rant!
Hang in there an just keep talking......... your friend, Crew and here's an extra ((((Gr3tta))) huggers.... thanks for sharing btw! crew

[purple_fins]

Gr3tta

Oh, I'm so so sorry you are struggling.

yea, life can sure kick us down.... ugh.... I so understand.

Please don't punish self for others incompassion/ignorance. It is their shortcomings NOT yours. I hope you can see the great qualities you possess and hold onto those. please be kind to self.

thinking of you

fins

[Gr3tta]

Thanks lots to Fins and Crew for your understanding.

We were thinking last night how one time we got moths in one of our kitchen cupboards. Really really grossed out and bothered. Hate to have anything dirty or wrong in the kitchen. So we had to make a big giant mess pulling every last thing out of the cupboards. Anything open got thrown away. The whole cupboard got scrubbed out with bleach. Then everything got put back away all nice and neat and organized. So it made a big mess, but then it was all better in the end.
Sometimes we would really love to do that to our own head. Just pull every last thing out of it, and spread it out so we can get a good look at it all. Then just throw away all the stuff that's useless or not good or contaminated. Then just scrub the inside of our head with bleach. Then anything that's worth keeping, put it back in nice and neat and organized.
Maybe that's kind of figuratively what we're doing, but it seems like it would be a lot easier to just do it literally. With drills and saws and blades and a nice big bucket of bleach water.
~Ivy and Julia

[purple_fins]

Yes, if only.......
too bad the human mind isn't as simple as a kitchen cupboard.

Gr3tta

Yea, we can sure have a lot of "moths flying around" messing things up
inside the head
very good imagery Gr3tta, if you don't mind me saying so.

thinking of you

fins

[DancingAlone]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

Sometimes we would really love to do that to our own head. Just pull every last thing out of it, and spread it out so we can get a good look at it all. Then just throw away all the stuff that's useless or not good or contaminated. Then just scrub the inside of our head with bleach. Then anything that's worth keeping, put it back in nice and neat and organized.

I truly loved this (((Gr3tta))). I too wish we could pull everything out and sort through it and do away with the parts that got contaminated. It's so hard to banish the memories that cling like something spilled and stuck to the shelves. But maybe by using a cleansing rag made of hope and faith, we can at least try. Again, thank you for this.