[saphirrain]

Trigger: um, think I'm supposed to warn you that I mentioned drugs very briefly

Here goes, I joined this forum several months ago, apparently, but don't remember ever posting. I am 33 and have had an extensive mental health history since birth. As of last year I have these diagnoses: Bipolar, Borderline, OCD, PTSD, ADHD, Panic Disorder (mostly associated with social phobias). About 4 years ago or so, I was prescribed a couple of meds that counteracted and I went from high-functioning, mother of two, full time student, happily almost married with a little house and a dog.
The next thing I remember I am standing in my kitchen to get my youngest some apple juice and realize they are both screaming at me, what am I doing? I am scooping big scoops of butter (spread) into the sippy cup. The scariest part is that I do remember it clearly but it wasn't until almost 2 years later that I thought about that memory and actually realized I wasn't behaving normal.
Things got really bad after that, my other half, love of my life, actually thought I was on drugs. I actually had to make him take me to the ER several times to ask for a tox screen and show I was clean.
I think I lost about 4 solid months after that, came to with him pleading with me, I could hear him asking me if I was doing that stuff, I understood the question, but somehow I just wasn't capable of responding. I couldn't even say, No, I'm not doing that, and he was done. I didn't understand but will not be where I'm not wanted so I moved out with my girls that week. Lost everything, my life, my home, my man, my dogs, on disability with two kids and a negative income living in a deathtrap in a rotten area with a slumlord.

I'm sorry, trying to keep it short. Anyway, it was 2 years, even off those meds, before i really "woke up" enough to even wonder what was going on. I have suffered from severe memory loss and blackouts ever since. It's worse when stress is higher, if I'm manic at all, and during panic and anxiety. I do cope better now. For instance, if I go to my neices birthday party, I know the anxiety will cause blackout, so I just take pictures, nonstop of everything, usually coming across them months later, shocked because of zero memory. It's scary as hell.
Anyway, my pdoc mentioned dissociative a few months back, and I didn't understand, i thought that was multiple personality disorder. I guess I do have it, with all my other stuff, dissociative fugues probably caused by some minor brain damage from meds.
I guess what confuses me most is that during these "blackouts" or whatever, according to everyone else, I am acting exactly the same. Other than that first 6 months actually on the meds, I act, talk, everthing, just like normal. I take my kids to school, appointments, etc, I just can't remember half of it.
Of course, since my 15 year old daughter is with me the most, she's smart, and quickly learned how to work the system. "No, Mom, you DID say I could go, etc, etc, and what choice to I have but to accept it?.

Gonna stop, just wanted to mention that I'm pretty manic tonight, and so that pretty much guarantees I'll remember none of this. Thanks to all who listened, and I would appreciate any advice, thank goodness the forum sends me an email, right?

[Astridetal]

I would suggest you ask your doctor whether the meds could've cause dyour memory loss. This is a possibility with some psych meds. Generally with dissociation you've had memory problems all your life, but you may not realize it until a turning point in your life. So it coudl still be dissociation but I'd tryt o get the meds ruled out first. Also if it is dissociation it doesn't mean you have a dissociative disorder, since you have BPD and PTSD too. These can cause dissociative symptoms too.