[Omers]

I have been working with my massage T at least weekly for over two years now. She has lots of training as a regular T but got licensed as a massage T. She is awesome. We work with my clothes on, she is super gentle and checks in all the time to be sure I am OK. Every week we have the same basic pattern unless I change something. I am always totally in control. Some parts like her better than others but everyone is free to come or not come to session and those that come can watch and/or feel so no one is ever forced to participate. She always makes sure everyone knows they are welcome there but never pushes.

Yesterday I dissociated somewhere between my car and her office door. Not switched, dissociated. No one I know of in my internal system was there. The only thing different than usual was a calico cat in the parking lot next to hers.
I didn't realize anything was weird until I was back in my car about 10 minutes away from her office.

I feel totally violated. It is completely irrational. She always lets me decide when/if I get on the table and what we do. At the very least, on days I have a hard time asking for what I want I HAVE to say yes before she will do anything and before she starts on and new area of my body. I have said no or stop before and her hands are off of me before I can get the whole word out. She would be devastated if she knew I was feeling this way about our session.

I didn't trigger, they aren't old memories coming back up, it isn't old stuff moving out. It absolutely feels like fresh new trauma. She doesn't touch me anywhere even remotely near a sexual area. The body memories I am having have that same icky violated feeling though but in random places on my body. Places where I am touched all the time... Like my back. I am not attracted to her and she is not attracted to me. I am not having any of the physiological indications of anything sexual. WT*?????

I don't know if I should cancel next weeks session. I know I should talk to her but I don't know how to without her feeling bad when she didn't do anything.

I HATE being clueless!!!!!!!!!

[Gr3tta]

We're so sorry this happened, such a yucky feeling to have.
It sounds like massage T has been very safe in the past, yes? We encourage you not to cancel your next appointment. We hope you can be brave enough to go, and talk to massage T about what happened, so she can help you figure it out. Since you don't remember, she might be able to tell you things you said or did that could help you make better sense of it.
It's so nice and thoughtful of you to worry about her feelings, but we think she can take it. She is a professional, and knows that confusion may happen sometimes. She would probably rather have you tell her that there was a problem.
We're sorry you feel so yucky about it. We hope you will take excellent care of yourself so you stay safe and feel better soon!

[Omers]

Yes, she is very good with me. I have worked with 3 massage T's over the past 10 years and while I love them all, current massage T is the best with me. She cares SO much it makes her sensitive about hurting me.

She accidentally bumped me with her hand once in a place she wouldn't normally touch. I didn't even notice nor would I have cared honestly... She was apologizing the rest of the session! More than once she has come in to see me on days she wasn't working. And it doesn't matter to her if I can pay her on time or not, just that she is there when I need her.

It has been an attempt at an all self care day here. Slept through the planned hot bath though (with lotsa Mr Bubble in it)... but perhaps, just maybe, my son will go to sleep on time and we can sneak it in later!

I see T right before massage T next week... may be able to figure out some of it there. T knows massage T really well.

I think I must go... the comedy act has arrived... Mr DC (my cat) is leaning up against my legs with the top of his head on my mattress, a back paw in each ear, his butt in the air (His tail is working hard at keeping it G rated) and his front paws reaching threw his back paws at my arms. Jealousy will make you do funny things...

And I can't move to get a camera!

[Omers]

Massage T called today. She made it clear that not coming on Tuesday is not an option.

I never want to see her again.

I know she hasn't changed. I know she didn't do anything differently. I know she still cares about me.

And I never want to go back.

But that is not a choice I guess.
I am trying to think of something that everyone would feel safe doing with her Tuesday. Reality is though, I just don't want to go.

[Gr3tta]

Hi Omers! We hope you are going to your appointment today, and that it is okay. We were going to suggest that maybe massage T could only touch a part of you that felt safer today? Like maybe a hand or foot, or the top of your head? In the beginning, when you first started working with her, where did you start? Maybe go back to that, and begin from there.

We hope it goes well. Let us know what happens, if that's okay for you.
~Emma

[Omers]

Thanks Gr3tta,
I met with T from 9:30-10:30 then with massage T at 11. I think that helped because T could distract me and keep my anxiety down when it would have been at its highest. T also told me she had lunch with massage T last week (they are friends). I am sure they didn't talk about me but somehow just knowing they were together made things feel safer.

Massage T spent a lot of time looking at the arm I hurt (my horse kicked me) last week to make sure it was OK. That helped because, dunno... felt more medical than personal maybe? She did work on me, all over and it felt safe and I didn't dissociate. It didn't feel good like it used to though. Feels like we have lost SO much ground. We did have a good talk about dissociation and "leaving my body" but we didn't talk directly about last week.

Thanks for checking. It means a lot that you remembered and thought of us.