Do I need to start EMDR inpatient?

I am not doing well with EMDR at all. I've only done it once and then I spent the next week completely dead inside, except for small amounts of anger.

The therapist and I figured out it was because my anger over the positive stuff we did in EMDR surfaced complete fury. I had to numb myself out in order to not go off the deep end with anger. Around Monday the emotions came back, but so did extreme rage.

Then we didn't do it this week, because I was just not okay. Then tonight I just flipped out. My rage only wants to hurt me. This rage wanted me to jump in front of tractor trailers and drink lysol. It wouldn't stop. No matter what I did. Naps, baths, writing in my journal, playing with my dog. I finally called my team. I was talking about how I just couldn't live anymore, how I had to end it. But the whole time I was just hovering over myself, watching someone else speak.

" I can't do this, I just can't do this. Please I just want to die. It's not worth it, life isn't worth it!"

She's talking to me and then I get really confused. I have no idea what she's saying and so I just hang up on her. (???) Then she calls me and threatens to send the police out. I switch again and I am perfectly fine. I tell her "it's okay, I'm fine, I'm safe. It's okay".

I was fine today when I saw them!?? This evening it got really bad after people kept complimenting me on these craft things I made. And then I'm fine now. But I don't know when it will just "pop up" and take over.

I don't feel safe with this "rage". It wants to hurt me. I've always known this, but I always had some type of control. Now I have none, since starting EMDR. I told her that it would be dangerous to interact with my system at all. She didn't believe me. But I told her it was true. I told her that if we continued I would be dead. I think I know better then she does. Half the time not even inpatient can keep me safe when "rage" takes over. He's manipulative and he'll do whatever it takes to hurt me. They strapped us to beds because of him.

Should I be doing this inpatient at first so I can make sure I'm safe?

My entire system is safe....? I don't really prefer inpatient. I have a life to live. I have a cute puppy dog who would miss me very much and an apartment to tend to. But I don't want to end up dead. But I don't always have control either. I can't always decide whether I live or die.

Lydia I and other members here cant make the decision whether you need inpatient care right now or not. only you and your treatment team can decide that.

that said if this was me gong through this my therapist would not hesitate or even give me a chance to make this decision. I would be hospitalized the first sign of danger to me. even when I was not integrated my treatment providers made it clear to me at which point they would over rule any of us and have me involuntarily held.

if what you posted was happening to me I also would not hesitate on entering a hospital for stabilization and treatment. Sometimes inpatient can do things for a person that out patient treatment cant.

If this was me I would also contact my treatment providers and enter the hospital because I would not want my friends here here on psych central to go through the confusing / scared and anxiety ridden feelings of knowing I was in a crisis that they could not help me with. (which is probably why this site usually is against posts where members are in danger of suicide and self injury at the moment they are making their post..

there is a sticky somewhere on the boards that has some numbers for those in crisis like this can contact. maybe another member can find it for you so that you can be safe.

I know this is a hard decision for you and Im sorry I cant jump through this computer screen , make that decision for you and keep you safe from yourself and your parts.

Hope to "see" you here tomorrow. please be safe and contact your treatment providers.

If you are asking it you need to be inpatient to keep everyone safe than you already know the answer. The first step is always difficult. But because you shared this with us and we want you safe, you have already made the first step. Now you just need to embrace inpatient so everyone will be safe and have time to figure things out. It is good to feel safe.

But I'm not suicidal in this moment, or in the moment when I wrote this.

You guys act like this is some "fool proof" decision. Hello you idiot of course you should be inpatient. But it's not that easy. I work with a team that works hard on keeping people out of the hospital. For reasons like I stated, I have a life I need to live... inpatient isn't reality. I have a team that is on call 24/7, sees me every morning with medications.

And the fact is, is that I'm not THIS person. People with DID should understand this. I'm not asking people to "make a decision for me". I'm asking for input on the decision. Like people ask for input on what diet they should do. I'm not very familiar with DID, I have it, but I don't know much about it. I don't know if this rage is just a threat, or whether I should legitimately be concerned about him.

I have a DID specialist, but I only see her once a week and I have no contact with her outside of that time. I have a lot of contact with my ACT team, who doesn't know much about the illness. I'm actually their first and only patient, aside from a severe borderline that played pretend with DID.

You're acting like all I came here for was just attention or something. Just to make PC worry or something. That wasn't my intent. My intent was to get input on whether this entity was a threat or not. I'm part of a new movement that works to keep people out of hospitals in every way shape or form. And I appreciate that movement.

I had already contacted my team. I had already discussed what was going on with them. I put that in my original post. I wasn't coming to PC for being suicidal, I was coming for advice. I had a feeling after posting this that people would jump on me like this. I should have just listened to my gut.

I am sorry that I misunderstood what you were saying. I have rage issues that I may only be able to deal with in some kind of safe setting. I am still trying to figure that out. I appreciate your directness and will be more aware before responding. Take care.

Lydia Im sorry it upsets you that we all care about you and are all getting concerned about you and have posted our concerns to you. I know for some people being cared about is a scary thing..

do me a favor. pick a member who you really care about here on psych central or even think about someone in your real life you care about and then read your post as if they had wrote that post instead of you.

what would your reaction be to seeing the words -

and the other examples of self injury that is in your post? Drinking lysol? jumping in front of tractor trailors? and nothing that friend of yours did could stop it? and this friend has no idea when "it" would take over again.

would you be concerned and want to see this friend of yours get help and be somewhere where there are people that can make sure this friend doesnt end up drinking lysol, jumping in front of tractors because of they cant control their rage side? and they dont know when it will pop out and take over again?

it is this sentence that gave me the impression you were asking us to make the decision for you.

everyone I know, when they are not going to go inpatient or are against going inpatient or are fighting the issue of going inpatient, dont ask others whether they should go or not.

Since you were asking that question I was under the impression it was an option you were open to and considering doing.