[blossommayflower27]

i dont know how to do this anymore...my heartache this evening...it made me...feel something i didn't wanna feel...pain...emotional pain...i did like it at all...as a matter of fact it made me so angry they all started getting so noisy...but at the same time...i had to ignore them...and tell them to settle down...and that it will not be worth doing anything irrational over...eventually it will all work out...i said to them...they beg to differ...which caused more heartache and greif...i cant stand this constant in and out...this constant...switching from one person to another in the blink of an eye...it not only changes my mood...but it also changes the way i respond toward other external people...also it leaves me in the dark and i do or say things i dunno about doing or saying...unless someone tells me...or i find out about it by seeing or hearing about whatever...i am not in control of myself...and i wanna be so bad...and i dunno how to be real...i dont feel real ever...i feel like i am nothing or no one...i have said a lot i really hope someone can make sense of these...i dont know what i am doing anymore...

[likewater]

Oh, sweetie. I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you. Just breathe. It's going to be ok. You are someone. You are not nothing. You are definitely something. You are a lovely person. It may not make sense now, but it will someday. Ok? It doesn't have
to make sense now. You ARE. You are here. I read your words. You are REAL. Breathe in the good and breathe out the bad, and it's going to be ok. You are here. You are loved. You will remain. Just be. Just be.

[blossommayflower27]

Originally Posted by likewater

Oh, sweetie. I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you. Just breathe. It's going to be ok. You are someone. You are not nothing. You are definitely something. You are a lovely person. It may not make sense now, but it will someday. Ok? It doesn't have
to make sense now. You ARE. You are here. I read your words. You are REAL. Breathe in the good and breathe out the bad, and it's going to be ok. You are here. You are loved. You will remain. Just be. Just be.

WE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT...AND YOUR CONCERN...WE JUST WANTED TO WRITE TO GET OUR FEELINGS OUT AND IT DID WORK...THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

[hermeand]

Originally Posted by blossommayflower27

WE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT...AND YOUR CONCERN...WE JUST WANTED TO WRITE TO GET OUR FEELINGS OUT AND IT DID WORK...THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

I'm so glad it worked!!

[blossommayflower27]

Originally Posted by hermeand

I'm so glad it worked!!

thank you hermeand...although still dont know who i am half the time let alone where i am...but all that is known will come out soon...

[Lexi232]

Maybe it's not WHO but how you feel that makes you what you are.. Try not worrying so much about finding out who you are if you can, because if you let it come to you, it will be much less stressful.
There are some within me that I dont know names, and one goes by many. That one doesn't really have a name either. But we all call her what she means to each of us personally, and what she accepts to be called.
Maybe if it's a name you seek, go through a baby's name thing on the internet and you will be able to find one that jumps out of you and appeals to you. It's alright to adopt that name if you wish. No one can tell you otherwise. It's you who decides who you are..... even if others dont like it.. atleast you can know who you are, and you can move on to the next step of being accepted for who you are.
*huggles*

~Mary

[blossommayflower27]

Originally Posted by Lexi232

Maybe it's not WHO but how you feel that makes you what you are.. Try not worrying so much about finding out who you are if you can, because if you let it come to you, it will be much less stressful.
There are some within me that I dont know names, and one goes by many. That one doesn't really have a name either. But we all call her what she means to each of us personally, and what she accepts to be called.
Maybe if it's a name you seek, go through a baby's name thing on the internet and you will be able to find one that jumps out of you and appeals to you. It's alright to adopt that name if you wish. No one can tell you otherwise. It's you who decides who you are..... even if others dont like it.. atleast you can know who you are, and you can move on to the next step of being accepted for who you are.
*huggles*

~Mary

sounds like great advice...its too much for me to worry about who i always am...esp. when who i am has been changing so frequently lately...thats what i find to be more frustrating than anything else...its the who when factor...that comes into play for me...which is why so much of what i write isnt all me...and doesnt make a bit of sense...to me i dunno about anyone else...but to me...i see T tomorrow...and for some reason not really looking forward yet at the same time looking forward to doing a lot of work...i feel so scared sometimes when i see her...because she has me say a lot of things part of me doesnt know how to even say...and there are a few parts who dont even know how to talk...and can barely walk...i know i dont know how to deal with this very much...but at the same time...i want to teach those parts of me...how to do the things they dont think they can do...this is very difficult...sorry i rambled on so much...talk to you sooner...

[Lexi232]

(((((((((((((((((Blossom)))))))))))))))))))

I hope that session went alright!
I know how that can be wanting to teach the younger ones how to do certain things. But I have found you can't force them to. It's something they have to want to do. Just be there and accept them as they are, and let them know that you are there and reassure them that you will be there to help them through it whenever they are ready.
Not sure how long it will take, but once they trust and grow to know you mean what you say and wont leave them or leave them to be stuck a certain way if they dont like it, they will grow and allow you to nurture them if they want that too. Some may take much long than others, but please dont ever give up on them.

I'll give you an example for what happened with us.
Jessica had been hiding for a long while she had finally reached out, and was talking with me, then we fought over her age and some things, but in the end i just let it be by what she said cause it would calm her down. She always says she's the same age as everyone, she wants to be equal, not younger not older. But she was TERRIFIED to ever come out, so she never did, and refused anytime I tried to ask her to. then one day we were going shoping, and had a big hoodie on which made her feel secure, and I heard her mention wanting something, and i was like "okay.. but i want you to pick it out.. and i want you to get it.... " she was terriefed by that and rejected it, but i reassured her, that she could come out, and pick it up, whatever it was, and we would buy it. (we had enough money right then), and that i would stay present with her, just like shes been with me this whole time. I wouldn't ditch her. And if something happened she didn't want to deal with or got too scared, i wouldn't leave here there, all she had to say was "im done" and I would take back over... and so she tried it, and even bought the journal and pens, and a thing to hold the pens in, and then checked out, and went in and rode in the truck with our roomate, and got home and drew in it, before she was ready to go back in. but I stayed with her the whole time, and talked her through things when she got concerned or didn't know what to do or say.
Shes came out a few times since then but I've not really been concious of it or when. I just know she has. it's hard to explain.. just like i know there are some that i dont know who or how i know there are some parts that i dont know names or even heard of them but i know they exsist. weird feeling but i know it...

But all you can do that I know of, is be supportive, validate their feelings, and reasure their safety and let them know all they can do if they are able to learn more. Each part is an individual. They may not like or want the same thing you do, it's just something that takes place i suppose. Some of us have some disorders that the others do not. thats how diffrent we are... some need antidepressants while others dont. its a very weird thing. I dont understand it yet. though I haven't really read up on it either so that may be why I dont understand.
Also, if they tend to latch on to one thing likeing it when your expressing all the things they could do if they learned such as talk or walk better, then you might want to stick to that one as their goal. Ask them if thats what they want to do. Then reassure them that you will help them get to that goal. If i had more than one at a time needing help I'm unsure if I could handle it. so I would say try to stick to one at a time to help with, but I could see an attention problem that would surely rise up if it happened within my system now, so I dont know if it is that way for everyone or just me.

~Abbigail

[Lexi232]

Originally Posted by blossommayflower27

i see T tomorrow...and for some reason not really looking forward yet at the same time looking forward to doing a lot of work...i feel so scared sometimes when i see her...because she has me say a lot of things part of me doesnt know how to even say...

Something worries me here. I tried to not say it. but I am not the only one worried (a few inside are getting angry because I wont say it). When you say she "has" you say a lot of things that you dont know what to even say. Can you clarify?
Does she suggest things? does she put words in your mouth? ... even if she's doing that, and you feel its accurate, it should come from you first.. she could be able to help and give advice as to how to find the right words, but not actually "guessing" or describing you to you when you are in such a suggestive state....
This kind of thing can make it rough on you, and your others.
We are not geting on to you, or getting mad at you, we are trying to say something that in the only way we can.
Because by T's and pdocs, or even close friends suggestion something or putting words in your mouth when you can't say it yourself, and being in such a suggestive state (vulnerable state; confused state; willing to please state; willing to listen state; etc...) ... it can cause some problems, even create problems for you. If that's what she's doing (or he), then I would guess they aren't trying to hurt you at all, but are trying to help you, though they are not fully aware of how powerful the suggestion or thought of suggestion may be...
There are some cases (as i just was reading up on it some) known for where the T or even the person who intentionally was the source of the past pain would intentionally cause what was known as Multiple persononality and split personalities at this time that it was happening.
Now there are some "unconfirmed" cases since its unsure if DID is more popular due to the awareness of it, or due more in therapy and such.. but i believe it's proly just like anything else, the due to more in therapy and more awareness both. People had it before i'm guessing, but no one knew to diagnose them correctly. Or they remained undiagnosed because that's how the person themselves wanted it to be.
But theres the unconfirmed reports of how therapy lately has caused a "hysteria" (outbreak, mass diagnoses's, etc.) in DID cases. Because therapist were unintentionally causing the patients to split in their way of therapy. (this is one reason why i stay from reading much up on DID because i do not want the suggestiveness, even though some of me is fine the rest of me is very insecure and very much in the suggestive state, and i dont want something to happen just because we read about it. so we keep it to a minimum. tho we do want to know if its just us or others are out there like us a lot.
Hold on, let me google it again and see what it was called exactly that they called this term...
I believe this is it "
Iatrogenesis"

woah thats big!! xD!! thats a copy and paste, sorry about that. but also we found that on here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissoci...ntity_disorder

If you are in a stable place and want to do some reading, i've been finding Wikipedia a good place, atleast for physical medical issues. Not so sure about mental health issues. But this is a section into each of the dissociation disorders, and i believe they go into even more if you click on their names.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder

[blossommayflower27]

Originally Posted by Lexi232

Something worries me here. I tried to not say it. but I am not the only one worried (a few inside are getting angry because I wont say it). When you say she "has" you say a lot of things that you dont know what to even say. Can you clarify?
Does she suggest things? does she put words in your mouth? ... even if she's doing that, and you feel its accurate, it should come from you first.. she could be able to help and give advice as to how to find the right words, but not actually "guessing" or describing you to you when you are in such a suggestive state....
This kind of thing can make it rough on you, and your others.
We are not geting on to you, or getting mad at you, we are trying to say something that in the only way we can.
Because by T's and pdocs, or even close friends suggestion something or putting words in your mouth when you can't say it yourself, and being in such a suggestive state (vulnerable state; confused state; willing to please state; willing to listen state; etc...) ... it can cause some problems, even create problems for you. If that's what she's doing (or he), then I would guess they aren't trying to hurt you at all, but are trying to help you, though they are not fully aware of how powerful the suggestion or thought of suggestion may be...
There are some cases (as i just was reading up on it some) known for where the T or even the person who intentionally was the source of the past pain would intentionally cause what was known as Multiple persononality and split personalities at this time that it was happening.
Now there are some "unconfirmed" cases since its unsure if DID is more popular due to the awareness of it, or due more in therapy and such.. but i believe it's proly just like anything else, the due to more in therapy and more awareness both. People had it before i'm guessing, but no one knew to diagnose them correctly. Or they remained undiagnosed because that's how the person themselves wanted it to be.
But theres the unconfirmed reports of how therapy lately has caused a "hysteria" (outbreak, mass diagnoses's, etc.) in DID cases. Because therapist were unintentionally causing the patients to split in their way of therapy. (this is one reason why i stay from reading much up on DID because i do not want the suggestiveness, even though some of me is fine the rest of me is very insecure and very much in the suggestive state, and i dont want something to happen just because we read about it. so we keep it to a minimum. tho we do want to know if its just us or others are out there like us a lot.
Hold on, let me google it again and see what it was called exactly that they called this term...
I believe this is it "
Iatrogenesis"

woah thats big!! xD!! thats a copy and paste, sorry about that. but also we found that on here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissoci...ntity_disorder

If you are in a stable place and want to do some reading, i've been finding Wikipedia a good place, atleast for physical medical issues. Not so sure about mental health issues. But this is a section into each of the dissociation disorders, and i believe they go into even more if you click on their names.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder

yeah when in therapy and we are discussing certain things...that go really deeply into reverting back into a child again...she usually helps me out with talking...even though there is a part of me that feels she cant talk due to the intense fear and anger related to such events...sometimes its like she knows how to call out someone else and she knows that they will respond rather quickly to what she has to say about what it was i was saying in the first place...i dunno if i am making this more clear or more confusing...i feel like i am making this more confusing...and i apologize for this...i know that i am on the verge of mentally cracking...and as far as researching anything about DID...i know that my pdoc here at home has it set in his mind the things i endure on a regular basis are as such...but at the same time...we have attempted to argue with him because part of me doesnt want this...we dont wanna know anything about it...we feel we alreeady have heard enough...the T i had in richmond...reall helped me sort out some of the others that i knew of off hand...she made this awesome statement...that i resembled to her something like a spectrum...looking at all the different colors and hues of the rainbow...which i just thoroughly enjoyed hearing at that time...because i know i have a colorful personality...and i seldom enjoy the colors in which i hold deep down inside...i just went on a tangent and prolly confused you even more...well i am honestly confused myself...i will take a look at these sites...and try to gain some sort of insight in these areas...i really do enjoy that about me...i have a lot of insight...sometimes though it seems so frustrating...and at other times...it helps so much...well i really hope this didnt confuse you further...i am not sure if it did or didnt...i want you to know that i am not all here currently and i just keep writing until it gets quiet...and it seems to hardly ever be quiet anymore...so what i am saying is i am sorry...