[10/6]

I integrated with Amber approximately 4 years ago and for the most part things calmed down. I finished therapy and went to live a 'normal' life. The problem is, I'm not sure if it really worked.

After integrating I still had panic attacks and other issues I don't feel comfortable discussing, even if they're weren't as often. I no longer heard Amber or the other voices, but my own thoughts grew exponentially complex. My thoughts got soooo confusing and difficult to follow, which makes no sense because I used to listen to 6 voices that never shut up! I know I must have integrated because I don't hear Amber anymore, I don't think I've had any memory blackouts, and I even find myself acting like Amber sometimes, but the problems she was protecting me from are still there.

Then the most recent events happened. Current events in my life are getting really bad and they're causing my emotions and triggers to spin out of control. I've had 3 panic attacks in the last week. I don't know what to do. Part of me wonders if I really healed since I still have panic attacks, part of me is wishing Amber would come back so I won't have to deal with all this alone, and part of me is desperately looking for a new coping mechanism now that Amber is gone. I don't want to go back to therapy, and I even if I did can't afford to.

Did I really finish healing even though I still have panic attacks? Do I still have DID if Amber and the others are gone? What do I do to cope now if the others aren't there to help me? And I know I shouldn't be thinking this last question, but if this ends up being too much and I break again will the others come back?

Please, I could really use some advice.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by 10/6

I integrated with Amber approximately 4 years ago and for the most part things calmed down. I finished therapy and went to live a 'normal' life. The problem is, I'm not sure if it really worked.

After integrating I still had panic attacks and other issues I don't feel comfortable discussing, even if they're weren't as often. I no longer heard Amber or the other voices, but my own thoughts grew exponentially complex. My thoughts got soooo confusing and difficult to follow, which makes no sense because I used to listen to 6 voices that never shut up! I know I must have integrated because I don't hear Amber anymore, I don't think I've had any memory blackouts, and I even find myself acting like Amber sometimes, but the problems she was protecting me from are still there.

Then the most recent events happened. Current events in my life are getting really bad and they're causing my emotions and triggers to spin out of control. I've had 3 panic attacks in the last week. I don't know what to do. Part of me wonders if I really healed since I still have panic attacks, part of me is wishing Amber would come back so I won't have to deal with all this alone, and part of me is desperately looking for a new coping mechanism now that Amber is gone. I don't want to go back to therapy, and I even if I did can't afford to.

Did I really finish healing even though I still have panic attacks? Do I still have DID if Amber and the others are gone? What do I do to cope now if the others aren't there to help me? And I know I shouldn't be thinking this last question, but if this ends up being too much and I break again will the others come back?

Please, I could really use some advice.

here in the USA (america) treatment providers have what is called "diagnostic criteria" for diagnosing DID. in regards to your question

Originally Posted by 10/6

Do I still have DID if Amber and the others are gone?

the diagnostic criteria says if you do not have at least two alters that take control repeatedly then treatment providers cannot label you DID. So if your amber is in your words "gone" and you no longer switch into "amber" and at least one other alter by this diagnostic criteria you are no longer DID.

here is a link where you can read the diagnostic criteria as it stands today..

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/did.htm

Originally Posted by 10/6

What do I do to cope now if the others aren't there to help me?

you learn how to take care of yourself. there are many classes such as cooking, cleaning, and other such type classes that can help you learn how to take care of your basic needs like food clothing shelter. mental health agencies also have groups and classes where you can learn about emotions and how to take care of your self in tough situations.

your medical doctor can teach you what you need to know about how to take care of your physical health and problems/medications.

social service agencies can also be a good place to leanrn about community resources that may help you learn how to take care of your self now that your alters are not doing those things for you.

churches and colleges, and other community agencies can also help you learn how to take care of yourself now that your alters are not doing that for you.

I learned through the help of my wife, taking college classes, my church, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my medical doctor, gosh I cant list all the help and great people that were there for me. All it took was my letting people know what I needed help with and if one person couldnt help me they would point me in the direction of someone that could.

the last question.. Here where I work and live it is believed that once integrated I will not dissociate again to the point of creating the same or more alters. kind of like a marriage.. for better or for worse together we are. if I cant handle something sometimes I do have dissociation problems but I will never again split into Pinky or the others.

its also believed here where I live, work and receive therapy that only children under the age of 5 can under extreme trauma split off parts of their self creating alters.

that said this doesnt mean there are no other undiscovered alters hidden deeper that my treatment providers and I dont know about theres no limit to how many alters a person can have..

since there is no documentation ie school records, health records, bank accounts, credit cards,... that would document such things as my seeming to be different, confused, loss of time, answering to other names not discovered, and other symptomatics that point to any other alters my treatment providers and I are pretty sure with 99.99 % accuracy that I am totally integrated.

when I do come up agaisnt things that I cannot handle, is too stressful... what ever I know I can call my medical doctor, therapist or psychiatrist. . and should they not be available well thats when I call on my friends and family, therapy group, and I know I can always vent to my internet friends too.

Integrated people dont have to go through post integration alone.. I bet if you looked around you, there will probably be at least one person that you feel you can go to to talk about whats going on...

plus you're here and theres loads of people here willing to listen and suggest things that may help you in times of need. there are some things we are not allowed to do here like diagnose each other, but we can "listen".

[10/6]

Thank you, Amandalouise. This helped clear my head a lot and I will look into getting help with the stuff I'm having difficulty learning/coping with.

Do you mind if I ask one more question? Most of my decisions were made through everyone discussing and debating, but now I'm the only one here and I'm having a lot of difficulty making decisions. I'm much to indecisive and its causing problems. Would you have any advice on how to make decisions on my own or know where I could go to learn how to make decisions?

Thank you!

[lizardlady]

10/6, am going to take a stab at answering some of your questions.

When trying to make a decision, is there someone you can talk to in 3D to bounce ideas off? I don't mean ask them to decide for you, just listen and give feedback? Or would it help to write down all the pros and cons of a decision?

10/6, you panic attacks are probably separate from having DID. There's therapy and meds to help with them. If you're having panic attacks it doesn't mean you still have DID. You have an anxiety disorder without having DID. Does that make sense?

I don't know if we can go back to having DID. I can tell you that when life begins to feel overwhelming for me there are times I wish that one of my alters would come back and take care of things for me. I equate that with non-DID folks wishing someone else (another person) would step in and take care of things when their life is out of control. IMHO, it's a natural desire to escape an overwhelming situation. There have been times when I'm under alot of stress, when it feels life is spinning out of control, that it feels like the bonds that hold all of us together get looser, but none of my alters have taken over the body in those circumstances. I take that feeling as a sign I need to take care of myself. Does that make any sense?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by 10/6

Thank you, Amandalouise. This helped clear my head a lot and I will look into getting help with the stuff I'm having difficulty learning/coping with.

Do you mind if I ask one more question? Most of my decisions were made through everyone discussing and debating, but now I'm the only one here and I'm having a lot of difficulty making decisions. I'm much to indecisive and its causing problems. Would you have any advice on how to make decisions on my own or know where I could go to learn how to make decisions?

Thank you!

sorry it took so long. I lost track of this treat for a bit.. learning how to make decisions comes with learning about yourself.. what your own opinions are, what your preferences are, what you feel is right for you..

my suggestion start out small.. what do you want to have for dinner tonight open the fridge and see what appeals to you and make it for dinner and there you have made your own decision..

its no big mystery to making decisions.. just take it one thing at a time and one step at a time figuring out what things you like and hate, what your own needs are and make choices according to those things..

I wouldnt be surprised if you have been making decisions for yourself for quite some time, you just didnt know it was making decisions when you got up and decided what clothes you were going to where, what you wanted to eat and not eat for meals, what you wanted to do for fun, whether you wanted to spend time with your friends... whether you wanted to go to work or school that day... thats what making decisions is.. just a word that says you are taking care of your self and doing what you feel is best for you.

[Nammu]

Hello (((10/6)))

I too felt much like you recently, like with everything that was going on that I might shatter like a dropped mirror and become DID again. But I got some great feed back, and got up the courage to talk to my T and tell her I had been DID in the past and was terrified. Both she and Amandalouise said the same thing. Much what she said abouve. I do have PTSD w/ dissociation & depression, life does get hard sometimes. But I'm not going to worry any more that if will ever get so fragmented again. That helps me see my problems now no matter how frighting are no so bad. I do find it very useful to have a T though, I'm not sure I could handle the rough seas with out her. But knowing my DID is cured has been a huge relief. I hope that knowlege has helped you find some peace too.