[Big Mama]

Hi. This is the first time using this forum. I have just had my concerns confirmed. I know I have past trauma's and triggers that pop up from time to time.

My T is kind of suprised how well I function given how much I dissociate. How much I'm "gone". I seem to be "spaced out" alot. Days I can tell I try not to drive because it does interupt my life sometimes. I like to drive w/ the radio off and just "think" to just let go mentally and just BE. Does this make since to anyone. It doesn't make since to me and I live w/ it. It is what I do and it doesn't bother me that much. If would be a huge problem if I worked outside the home but I don't. That helps keep it tolerable.

I spend alot of time alone. I like to be alone. Sometimes I just want to cry, I just want to put my head down and give a big sigh of relief and have things be ok for a little while or at least to start again with the same crap. Not more crap added to more crap. I want to be soothed but I do not make connections w/ people very well. I want to be touched/held but I just can't seem to make a move or allow that to happen or ask for what I want. No one wants to hug a fat girl. Yuck.

Loud noise like voices scare me. Being in closed in spaces, bathrooms, elevators, rooms, or large spaces w/ lots of people, like concerts, forests or malls totally freak me out. It feels like I am lost in a maze. I panic, I can't breathe, I get sweaty, I guess I have panic attacks.

I do things and say things and have no idea I said that. I write things and don't remember even writing it. It is in my handwriting but it is written in a manner/form/style I do not write in. The things I write about are true but sometimes I can't believe I said that of reel that way and said it.

Just to give a brief run dow of what happened and why I have trauma's and dissociative issues let me explain. I was raped, stalked and blamed of an attempted suicide by the guy who repeatedly raped me. I have been in an abusive (emotionally and mentally) relationship for 18 years. Control, name calling, belittleing, inability to do things correctly, and not allowed to tell anyone or else. It's been an 18 year long secret. So now I dissociate alot. A whole whole lot.

Things are just now starting to improve. Here in the last 6 -9 mo I have been seeing a T along w/ my H. My T does trauma work. So there is hope, I think. But right now I am constantly living in a triggered state because I choose to stay w/ my H. My H and and I are in T together so he can learn how to stop traumatizing me and how to life with the fact that certain things he does make me fill triggered.

I'm not certin this is the right forum. If not please move me to where I do belong. I don't understand if it is the right forum or not. I am under the impression this forum is more for a multiple personality type individual, littles and all. But it may also be for people who have trauma's and dissociate and have dissociation disorders, is that correct?

If anyone has any insight as to weather or not the things listed above are dissociative things or not your input would be greatly appreciated. I don't know really what to do. I just found this out last week and begin talking to my T about this. She is leary of going there because of the constant triggered state I seem to be stuck in. She just said write and write, follow your heart and what you can handle and I'll help you threw it and help you sort it out. After 9 mo I finially am beginning to trust her. It is a scary thing.
Thank you all for listening

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Hi. This is the first time using this forum. I have just had my concerns confirmed. I know I have past trauma's and triggers that pop up from time to time.

My T is kind of suprised how well I function given how much I dissociate. How much I'm "gone". I seem to be "spaced out" alot. Days I can tell I try not to drive because it does interupt my life sometimes. I like to drive w/ the radio off and just "think" to just let go mentally and just BE. Does this make since to anyone. It doesn't make since to me and I live w/ it. It is what I do and it doesn't bother me that much. If would be a huge problem if I worked outside the home but I don't. That helps keep it tolerable.

I spend alot of time alone. I like to be alone. Sometimes I just want to cry, I just want to put my head down and give a big sigh of relief and have things be ok for a little while or at least to start again with the same crap. Not more crap added to more crap. I want to be soothed but I do not make connections w/ people very well. I want to be touched/held but I just can't seem to make a move or allow that to happen or ask for what I want. No one wants to hug a fat girl. Yuck.

Loud noise like voices scare me. Being in closed in spaces, bathrooms, elevators, rooms, or large spaces w/ lots of people, like concerts, forests or malls totally freak me out. It feels like I am lost in a maze. I panic, I can't breathe, I get sweaty, I guess I have panic attacks.

I do things and say things and have no idea I said that. I write things and don't remember even writing it. It is in my handwriting but it is written in a manner/form/style I do not write in. The things I write about are true but sometimes I can't believe I said that of reel that way and said it.

Just to give a brief run dow of what happened and why I have trauma's and dissociative issues let me explain. I was raped, stalked and blamed of an attempted suicide by the guy who repeatedly raped me. I have been in an abusive (emotionally and mentally) relationship for 18 years. Control, name calling, belittleing, inability to do things correctly, and not allowed to tell anyone or else. It's been an 18 year long secret. So now I dissociate alot. A whole whole lot.

Things are just now starting to improve. Here in the last 6 -9 mo I have been seeing a T along w/ my H. My T does trauma work. So there is hope, I think. But right now I am constantly living in a triggered state because I choose to stay w/ my H. My H and and I are in T together so he can learn how to stop traumatizing me and how to life with the fact that certain things he does make me fill triggered.

I'm not certin this is the right forum. If not please move me to where I do belong. I don't understand if it is the right forum or not. I am under the impression this forum is more for a multiple personality type individual, littles and all. But it may also be for people who have trauma's and dissociate and have dissociation disorders, is that correct?

If anyone has any insight as to weather or not the things listed above are dissociative things or not your input would be greatly appreciated. I don't know really what to do. I just found this out last week and begin talking to my T about this. She is leary of going there because of the constant triggered state I seem to be stuck in. She just said write and write, follow your heart and what you can handle and I'll help you threw it and help you sort it out. After 9 mo I finially am beginning to trust her. It is a scary thing.
Thank you all for listening

Originally Posted by Big Mama

If anyone has any insight as to weather or not the things listed above are dissociative things or not your input would be greatly appreciated. I don't know really what to do. I just found this out last week and begin talking to my T about this.

only you and your treatment providers knows whether the things you wrote about are dissociation or not.

for me being afraid of loud noises, closed in places, and all that other fears was not called dissociation in me. for me it was called "phobias" and "panic and anxiety disorders" and sometimes "delusions" "hallucinations" and "psychosis" based on other accompanying symptoms.

my dissociative disorders issues were things like feeling numb, feeling spacey, having alternate personalities taking control.

again only your treatment providers can say if all your fears is a dissociative disorder or not.

what to do...well you are already doing what you need to do....talk with your therapist. they can either help you with finding out what this is called and treat you for it or refer you to another treatment provider that does work with issues related to fearing bathrooms, loud noises and all the other stuff you posted about.

heres a link that can explain what dissociative disorders are...

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dis...orders/DS00574

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dis...CTION=symptoms

[Claritytoo]

If you have been diagnosed as having DID or DDNOS than this is the right place. You don't have to have littles in order to be DDNOS. Maybe having a separate session once and a while, without your H, will help you to understand yourself better. Take care.

[Big Mama]

I don't get appointments alone often maybe once every 2 mo. But evaluations just got complete and that was one of the things they came up w/. My T suggests further testing but it is not an affordable option. Thank you for letting me know this is the right place.

I just found this out and we are not telling my H as of yet. At this point it will not really make things better between my H and I. It may make them worse and the T doesn't feel I'd be emotionally safe if things got much worse around here. This will give the T and me oppertunity to figure out more about how I deal w/ things.