[mulan]

I guess I have this disorder, but perahps I will never know.
My life is so confusing, i wish I could find a light at the end of the tunel, an answer to my question.
All my life has been a strange place to live. I was abused when I was a child, psicological abuse, and my parents beat me a lot too. I can't trust anyone around me.
From my childhood I can remember being sad and suddendly my feelings desapear, and then I was laughing and if I was mad in a blink I was no longer, and I had already forgot it.
I remember I wanted to be as my father, because I thought he was very smart, he always knew everything...and I admired him so much. Besides he was the only person in my family that showed love for me. My mum was emotionaly distanct, she never supported me, she was never empatic with me, she never understood me, or said something to make me feel better when I was sad about something. But my father was so mean sometimes, he was always jugding everyone and a mean way, for him everyone has bad faults, he kept saying in is angry voice "what a stupid thing" "what a stupid guy"...And if I liked a show, if i liked someone, at some point he would say they were bad too. So I was always afraid of leting him down. I was the weakest one. My older sister, when we were playing never accepted my ideas, every good toy was hers, I never had a space to grow a personality, to be someone. I was always being judge and feeling judge.
I develop social anxiety since a young age. (I just want to be loved :'() I was a very shy kid.
At kindergarden everyday we had to chose the place and the toys we wanted and I couldn't chose them when someone asked me. I just waited the moment no one was looking at me (the teacher), and then I would chose what I wanted to do.
And so, I develop depersonalization, I think so. I have been this way all my life, I never felt atached to anyone, I never missed someone, I daydreamed all the time. The life I lived wasn't my life, I lived the stories I constantly made up. My life was a like a fantasy.
I can't trust anyone, I always feel so ashamed about everything...It's hard to deal with the shops people. I would go on, but I feel tired know. And my head is very confused. I wish I could have many thoughts or ideas at my head at the same time, but it is very hard to remember and I am constantly forgeting everything and making an effort to have it back. Maybe another time I would tell more things.
I was once diagnosed with depression, but I never felt like having it. Depersonalization and anxiety is my best shot now. But as I can't keep nothing has a certanty and as I'm always changing my mind (I don't have a self notion), maybe tomorow I would have another bet. It's anoying how I can't rely on my self because I never truely believe in anything I think.
thank you for reading this.

[Claritytoo]

I am sorry you are feeling bad. It sounds like you have gone through a lot. Do you see a therapist? It good to have someone you can talk to about what is in your head. Also keeping a journal helps. I keep my journal in the bathroom so at least once a day I see it and that reminds me to write something. It also gives me an opportunity to read my thought from the previous day. I am glad you shared what is on your mind. I hope you start feeling better.

[tiggerandcrew]

sorry I can't help much. I am unaware of what depersonalization really is. I do agree with claritytoo, that a therapist which you can trust could be a big help to you. They can help you sort through everything. I am truely sorry that happened to you but I know if you put in the work, things do get better. Hang in there and congratulations for being brave enough to post.