[alex398]

Hi, im new here and im hoping i can get some insight from someone who might know what im going to talk about, or that is going through the same thing and can get me some answers. Ill summarize my situation as well as possible, a warning it might be a long read. To start, i was bullied psycholagicly from 6th grade to the end of high school. It was most intense in 9th to 11th grade(i live in canada and i went to a french school) and it was something that happened not only every day, but almost every single class. What is amazing is that there was no reason to bully me, so these sobs use to pick on me about anything they felt like,especially my nose wich was only slightly above average in size but yet there was no stopping them. Now that you guys know a bit of my history ill start to get to the point...

I was diagnosed with high functioning asperger's disorder (after years of not knowing) and i also have a serious anxiety problem. Now, im going to explain how the bulliying has affected me. Basicly, every insult and every time people walked all over me over the years, gave me a negative "bank" in my mind(this was confirmed by my psychiatrist) To put it simply, my negative part of my mind was much stronger and took more space than my positive side. Now, i am on meds today and doing much much better, every time i take seroquel and abilify a space is made in the negative "bank" of thoughts and by also stimulating the positive side(by taking 4 capsules of omega 3 a day to start with) it makes me able to think more clearly and i also have less anxiety.
Now that i said all this, ill get to the good part.

Oh before i continue, a few notes that are important. I already did talk therapy with a psychologist 5 years ago before speaking to a psychiatrist for a first time, i also kinda got over my self-conscious thinking of myself before i fell sick.
Also, before i got any severe anxiety(i had some but not like today) i had developed racing thoughts. Now i went to see a psych just before i got really sick. I took seroquel which got rid of my racing thoughts, so i felt amazingly good. However.. after a week on seroquel evrything came ahead, and i got a psychosis. After that i spent 2 years with a useless psychiatrist who perscribed me rivotrils (benzatropines family) and simply told me all was hopeless and id have to take them for the rest of my life. Then i eventually saw another doctor which is the one i'm with now. Ill continue from here.

Ok so, now i will speak about the dissociative part. At some point in my treatment with my current doctor i got derealization, i had it really bad. I dont remember exactly but when i took a certain medication that had a secondary effect of lowering anxiety, it got rid of the derealization 100%. I had it where i felt evrything looked like i was watching a movie or a tv show. The next thing that happened was,after starting to think obssessively nonstop, while i was on abilify, seroquel, omega 3, i got severe depersonalization. My psychiatrist suggested i try epival to fix the problem. Basicly epival enhances the potency of seroquel and abilify which are anti-psychotics, withought having any higher dosage of the pills, however the main reason i was starting epival was because it slows down obsessive thinking(for me it was circle of thoughts like a hamster wheel). At first epival didnt do much for me, but eventually it worked and my "empty head" horrible feeling of depersonalisation was gone.

This is a really important part, ever since 6th grade i have never been truly "myself" until recently, and even then it dosent last. I had a a terrible time in school, but otherwise i have a loving family and a relatively great life, so part of me stayed happy, positive. Before allllll this started, between 6th grade and 11th grade i always knew who i was, but the constant trashing from bullys was overwhelmingly powerful, i even had close to an entire school try to beat me up LOL , that story is for another time though..

Anyway back on point , if i wasent made fun of for a decent amount of time, i felt better but that never lasted very long and it still didnt have me feeling TRULY good at all. Now, in those times i wasen't 100% myself, not ONE time.
I am sure of this because of what i know today. The one and only time(once and again this is in between 6th and 11th grade) i was myself, was when i starting working at mcdonalds. One day i decided to listen to some music i liked before i went to work. I had sang the lyrics a few times and then headed to mcdonalds.

When i started work, i got this amazing feeling. I felt(yes i actually felt it) my thoughts connecting like i had never experienced in my entire life, i was finally myself, the person i have always known i was. I finally was myself 100%, happy, positive, outgoing, smart, extremely good at socializing, hell i even felt better physically(muscles not tense anymore my eyes looked better more darkish). All of this lasted about one minute, yup ONE minute only. Then it all went away, i was back to how i had always been, with no times of it ever happening again until recently. Im going to skip some stuff because this is a very long post, ill simply take questions if someone needs more info.
I started to take meds after my mcdonald job, since i had my anxiety that was developping. When my abilify got an increase from 15mg to 20 and i also increased my omega 3 evrything changed. I started to feel less self-conscious, anxious, and better in general every day with me feeling better and better. I eventually felt the way i did that day back at my old job with more/ less intensity soon after that, it would happen seemingly randomly. Here and there i got that amazing feeling and i felt like myself again, id say 80-100%.

The key to what i was doing is/was, i listened to music i liked and sang the lyrics , which combined with the omega 3 stimulated my mind(the positive part) and made it stronger. However the times i had those moments where i felt really good(this has nothing to do with feeling happy or "down" its about this disconnection i have) but it only lasted 1 min-->25 min id say .

So lets summarize, I have had a psychosis, aspergers, anxiety, obssessive thinking, have had in the recent past: derealization, depersonalization and racing thoughts. Today i am on paxil seroquel epival and abilify in meds along with omega 3 capsules.
My state today is much better than what it use to be. Ever since i took a melatonin pill with tryplolol amino acide and ptchd(something like that) and i stopped it, i have felt much better. It seems to have strengthened my positive thoughts/mind. Right now my psych told me i have to go at war, that i have to feed the positive and defeat the negative self-conscious obssessive thinking pattern, i am doing evrything i can to do this. It seems the more i force myself to socialize and distract myself i feel much better. Even after all this time i still think more about my appearence then the average person(even though i know and completely believe that i look fine), and the more i think of it the more the negative thoughts get stronger. The more good i feel about myself in the moment, the better i feel and i instantly feel better in every way. For example: I look in the miror and i see i look good, if i truly believe it 100% then ill feel a bit or alot better. However this dosent really last, i have to keep flooding my mind with positive thoughts about myself for me to continue to feel good.

OK! i will finish explaining what my question is and what you need to know to be able to answer it. First i have body dysmorphic disorder but i wont say what it is you can look it up on google if youd like(has to do with appearence). Basicly today my body is Crushed. My muscles are all tight/tense, at a point that my body is actually smaller/crushed. I am talking literally, however it varies alot. It seems to be crushed 60~95% in the day(percent saying how much of body,face,legs, waist etc. are crushed). It is not my imagination, nor is it a delusion or anything of the sort, regardeless of w/e mental illness i may have. The better i feel, (positive, happy, sure that i look good/normal, the less bad my body is tensed out less anxiety. What happens is when i feel better (strong positive thoughts about myself) i instantly feel amazingly good, meaning my body goes back to normal(not crushed anymore) my anxiety goes away completely, i dont obssess over anything, basicly evrything is Normal 100%. This dosent ever last for long tho as its usally over within a minute or two, and thats if i constantly think and even say positive thoughts out loud and it only lasts past a min really if im in bed fully relaxed. More info about this crushing: i have had many many people confirm exactly what im saying about whats going on, i get PLENTY of wow, your looking extremely slim did you lose like 50 pounds or something?
I have broad shoulders, however even those are not as broad when there crushed, there more on the inside and not as straight. Now, my one and ONLY real illness/problem that is causing almost evrything that i have is still a mystery to me, however putting alll the things ive written together, and i'll write plenty more if you guys have questions, i think it is some kind of Unique dissassociation from extreme psychological torture (from bulliying).

So, my question to all of you is, what could be causing allll of these things going on at the same time? Also i would like to know, is what i have truly a dissosociation problem? Or does it have nothing to do with that.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by alex398

Hi, im new here and im hoping i can get some insight from someone who might know what im going to talk about, or that is going through the same thing and can get me some answers. Ill summarize my situation as well as possible, a warning it might be a long read. To start, i was bullied psycholagicly from 6th grade to the end of high school. It was most intense in 9th to 11th grade(i live in canada and i went to a french school) and it was something that happened not only every day, but almost every single class. What is amazing is that there was no reason to bully me, so these sobs use to pick on me about anything they felt like,especially my nose wich was only slightly above average in size but yet there was no stopping them. Now that you guys know a bit of my history ill start to get to the point...

I was diagnosed with high functioning asperger's disorder (after years of not knowing) and i also have a serious anxiety problem. Now, im going to explain how the bulliying has affected me. Basicly, every insult and every time people walked all over me over the years, gave me a negative "bank" in my mind(this was confirmed by my psychiatrist) To put it simply, my negative part of my mind was much stronger and took more space than my positive side. Now, i am on meds today and doing much much better, every time i take seroquel and abilify a space is made in the negative "bank" of thoughts and by also stimulating the positive side(by taking 4 capsules of omega 3 a day to start with) it makes me able to think more clearly and i also have less anxiety.
Now that i said all this, ill get to the good part.

Oh before i continue, a few notes that are important. I already did talk therapy with a psychologist 5 years ago before speaking to a psychiatrist for a first time, i also kinda got over my self-conscious thinking of myself before i fell sick.
Also, before i got any severe anxiety(i had some but not like today) i had developed racing thoughts. Now i went to see a psych just before i got really sick. I took seroquel which got rid of my racing thoughts, so i felt amazingly good. However.. after a week on seroquel evrything came ahead, and i got a psychosis. After that i spent 2 years with a useless psychiatrist who perscribed me rivotrils (benzatropines family) and simply told me all was hopeless and id have to take them for the rest of my life. Then i eventually saw another doctor which is the one i'm with now. Ill continue from here.

Ok so, now i will speak about the dissociative part. At some point in my treatment with my current doctor i got derealization, i had it really bad. I dont remember exactly but when i took a certain medication that had a secondary effect of lowering anxiety, it got rid of the derealization 100%. I had it where i felt evrything looked like i was watching a movie or a tv show. The next thing that happened was,after starting to think obssessively nonstop, while i was on abilify, seroquel, omega 3, i got severe depersonalization. My psychiatrist suggested i try epival to fix the problem. Basicly epival enhances the potency of seroquel and abilify which are anti-psychotics, withought having any higher dosage of the pills, however the main reason i was starting epival was because it slows down obsessive thinking(for me it was circle of thoughts like a hamster wheel). At first epival didnt do much for me, but eventually it worked and my "empty head" horrible feeling of depersonalisation was gone.

This is a really important part, ever since 6th grade i have never been truly "myself" until recently, and even then it dosent last. I had a a terrible time in school, but otherwise i have a loving family and a relatively great life, so part of me stayed happy, positive. Before allllll this started, between 6th grade and 11th grade i always knew who i was, but the constant trashing from bullys was overwhelmingly powerful, i even had close to an entire school try to beat me up LOL , that story is for another time though..

Anyway back on point , if i wasent made fun of for a decent amount of time, i felt better but that never lasted very long and it still didnt have me feeling TRULY good at all. Now, in those times i wasen't 100% myself, not ONE time.
I am sure of this because of what i know today. The one and only time(once and again this is in between 6th and 11th grade) i was myself, was when i starting working at mcdonalds. One day i decided to listen to some music i liked before i went to work. I had sang the lyrics a few times and then headed to mcdonalds.

When i started work, i got this amazing feeling. I felt(yes i actually felt it) my thoughts connecting like i had never experienced in my entire life, i was finally myself, the person i have always known i was. I finally was myself 100%, happy, positive, outgoing, smart, extremely good at socializing, hell i even felt better physically(muscles not tense anymore my eyes looked better more darkish). All of this lasted about one minute, yup ONE minute only. Then it all went away, i was back to how i had always been, with no times of it ever happening again until recently. Im going to skip some stuff because this is a very long post, ill simply take questions if someone needs more info.
I started to take meds after my mcdonald job, since i had my anxiety that was developping. When my abilify got an increase from 15mg to 20 and i also increased my omega 3 evrything changed. I started to feel less self-conscious, anxious, and better in general every day with me feeling better and better. I eventually felt the way i did that day back at my old job with more/ less intensity soon after that, it would happen seemingly randomly. Here and there i got that amazing feeling and i felt like myself again, id say 80-100%.

The key to what i was doing is/was, i listened to music i liked and sang the lyrics , which combined with the omega 3 stimulated my mind(the positive part) and made it stronger. However the times i had those moments where i felt really good(this has nothing to do with feeling happy or "down" its about this disconnection i have) but it only lasted 1 min-->25 min id say .

So lets summarize, I have had a psychosis, aspergers, anxiety, obssessive thinking, have had in the recent past: derealization, depersonalization and racing thoughts. Today i am on paxil seroquel epival and abilify in meds along with omega 3 capsules.
My state today is much better than what it use to be. Ever since i took a melatonin pill with tryplolol amino acide and ptchd(something like that) and i stopped it, i have felt much better. It seems to have strengthened my positive thoughts/mind. Right now my psych told me i have to go at war, that i have to feed the positive and defeat the negative self-conscious obssessive thinking pattern, i am doing evrything i can to do this. It seems the more i force myself to socialize and distract myself i feel much better. Even after all this time i still think more about my appearence then the average person(even though i know and completely believe that i look fine), and the more i think of it the more the negative thoughts get stronger. The more good i feel about myself in the moment, the better i feel and i instantly feel better in every way. For example: I look in the miror and i see i look good, if i truly believe it 100% then ill feel a bit or alot better. However this dosent really last, i have to keep flooding my mind with positive thoughts about myself for me to continue to feel good.

OK! i will finish explaining what my question is and what you need to know to be able to answer it. First i have body dysmorphic disorder but i wont say what it is you can look it up on google if youd like(has to do with appearence). Basicly today my body is Crushed. My muscles are all tight/tense, at a point that my body is actually smaller/crushed. I am talking literally, however it varies alot. It seems to be crushed 60~95% in the day(percent saying how much of body,face,legs, waist etc. are crushed). It is not my imagination, nor is it a delusion or anything of the sort, regardeless of w/e mental illness i may have. The better i feel, (positive, happy, sure that i look good/normal, the less bad my body is tensed out less anxiety. What happens is when i feel better (strong positive thoughts about myself) i instantly feel amazingly good, meaning my body goes back to normal(not crushed anymore) my anxiety goes away completely, i dont obssess over anything, basicly evrything is Normal 100%. This dosent ever last for long tho as its usally over within a minute or two, and thats if i constantly think and even say positive thoughts out loud and it only lasts past a min really if im in bed fully relaxed. More info about this crushing: i have had many many people confirm exactly what im saying about whats going on, i get PLENTY of wow, your looking extremely slim did you lose like 50 pounds or something?
I have broad shoulders, however even those are not as broad when there crushed, there more on the inside and not as straight. Now, my one and ONLY real illness/problem that is causing almost evrything that i have is still a mystery to me, however putting alll the things ive written together, and i'll write plenty more if you guys have questions, i think it is some kind of Unique dissassociation from extreme psychological torture (from bulliying).

So, my question to all of you is, what could be causing allll of these things going on at the same time? Also i would like to know, is what i have truly a dissosociation problem? Or does it have nothing to do with that.

the first thing that jumps out at me after doing a fast read of your post is this sentence....

Originally Posted by alex398

i think it is some kind of Unique dissassociation from extreme psychological torture (from bulliying).

I dont know about where you are (canada) but here in America the word you used ....dissassociation....means willfully and on purpose making yourself stop taking part in an activity or thought... you said you have aspergers and aspergers do at times purposely shut down, purposely isolate their self from what ever problems they may be having. and given the situation (bullying) its completely normal for anyone mental disordered or not to purposely avoid people and things they feel is a situation of bullying/threat of harm. also anything a person goes through is "unique" because theres only one you and no one goes though the identical thought process as another person.

the next thing that jumps out at me is this....

Originally Posted by alex398

So, my question to all of you is, what could be causing allll of these things going on at the same time? Also i would like to know, is what i have truly a dissosociation problem? Or does it have nothing to do with that.

Im sorry but we can not tell you what is causing your problems.. you see doing that is called making a diagnosis and we are not allowed to do that ....

all we do here is share our problems, health issues, play games...then the people reading our posts tell us whether they have the same problems, health issues or play the same games.. if so the people reading can say what their own treatment providers (therapists, psychiatrists...) say the problem is in their self and how they and their own treatment providers are fixing the problem,

only you and your own doctors, therapist, psychiatrist can say what is happening in you and how to fix the problem for you.

the only other thing I can tell you is that yes I have had some of the same problems you have and so does my wife who is aspergers...

in me my treatment providers called the problems by many different names depending upon other accompanying symptoms...

example sometimes these same problems in ........me were called sleep deprivation, poor diet, stress, medication problems, pregnancy, vitamin problems, problems caused by organics like st johns wort, melatonin and other herbal suppliments, parkensons disease, multiple sclerosis, bipolar disorder, depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, anemia, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, dissociative issues, and many many more...

in my wife the problems were called aspergers, sleep deprivation, stress, vitamin deficiency and medication reactions.

again only your own treatment providers can say what the problems are in you and what is causing them.

my suggestion if this continues to bother you contact your treatment providers, they can help you discover what is going on in you and help you fix the problems in the right ways for you.