Im currently in therapy and have just started to disclose being sexualy offended but I have some black spots in my memory. Is it possible that these could stay hidden forever?

[Sabra]

Originally Posted by Newfie girl

Im currently in therapy and have just started to disclose being sexualy offended but I have some black spots in my memory. Is it possible that these could stay hidden forever?

Good afternoon,

You may or may not get info from the black holes. I always realized I had been abused. However, when an uncle came to me and apologized for molesting me from ages 4-6, I freaked. I was terrified of what else I didn't know. Some of the black holes were filled in and I had new memories. I have never remembered my uncle molesting me.

Regards,

Sabra

[falling star]

It use to bother me so much that I did not remember my childhood. I didn't remember anything. But I learned to accept that my brain was protecting me. I slowly started remembering family vacations and a few other things, but I don't think I will ever remember it all. I have to choose to live life as what I know it to be now. I am much happier accepting that I love myself enough to protect my mind from trauma.

Originally Posted by Sabra

Good afternoon,

You may or may not get info from the black holes. I always realized I had been abused. However, when an uncle came to me and apologized for molesting me from ages 4-6, I freaked. I was terrified of what else I didn't know. Some of the black holes were filled in and I had new memories. I have never remembered my uncle molesting me.

Regards,

Sabra

I was 9-11 and now that im dealing with it I want it done with. No empty spots. I wanted to know if its possible that at that age that they may never be recovered?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Newfie girl

Im currently in therapy and have just started to disclose being sexualy offended but I have some black spots in my memory. Is it possible that these could stay hidden forever?

Here in NY when I hear the phrase "sexually offended" it means the person I am talking to or talking about is the perpetrator. So I was a bit unsure. my mind was divided on whether you were the victim asking for whether you would ever remember things you have forgotten or whether you were the perpetrator with black outs/forgotten memories...when my mind questions things like this I ask for a second opinion...thanks mods for your help.

Now that I understand what you are asking for .....some memories may come back to you, some might not. All my alters have been integrated but I still have gaps in my memories. I once did a poll of some mental health therapy groups, and people in my community that didnt have any mental health issues for a term paper. the result was even normal people have gaps in their memories/things they dont remember.

many factors contribute to how and what a person remembers...stress, health , age, emotions, the people/places/things involved....and also the way the brain works.... there are many you tube videos about memories and how the brain works. quite amazing actually.

my point it that each person is different. what you remember and what you dont will be relative to you, your life, how your brain works, ....therefore only you can say whether you will gain back all the memories you at this moment dont remember or not.

I must say im kind of bothered by this as time goes on. I really dont see a point in going through this with all of these empty spots. Seems looking at a partial picture would irritate or anger me more and having the possibility of never getting those forgotten parts back just seems like too much to hang on too.

I actually envy you. I remembered something happening to me when I was four with someone six years older than I. I don't think it was so much that I forgot anything that happened as much as it being that I didn't completely understand what had transpired. Seven years went by and I slowly began to grasp the magnitude of what had gone on. I can tell you right now, no child should have to grow up looking back on something like that and slowly realizing what it meant.

By the time I was ten I told my mom. I also asked her not to share it with anyone because we both knew the individual and I was not done piecing together what had happened. I confided in her to do just that. She told her mom the very next day, in front of me. I was naieve to how much of a snitch my mom is back then.

I didn't have sex until I was twenty. After I started having sex, I came to the conclusion that I hadn't been raped, but I still know for sure I was sexually assulted. I always kept in mind that my assulter was young, probably didn't realize how damaging it is to expose a four year old to what I had been exposed to, and that there was no violence, coercion, or repetition to this action (though I recall being talked into cooperating, but older kids often do this to younger kids, and I do not believe it was inherently evil).

Remembering, it seems, has cursed me. People think I am a liar because of this now. I did grow resentful toward my mom after she went back on her promise not to share this with people that constantly treated me like a burden, but she had trouble holding it in and sacrificed my peace of mind (which was short lived) for hers.

To this day I have trouble forgiving her. Trust me, be thankful that you don't have to go around, carrying bad baggage, trying to figure out what to do with it. Sometimes the rape/assult itself is nothing compared to how violated you can feel every time someone accuses you of having made the whole thing up.

I also want to add that despite of what your uncle did being horrific (especially being an adult fully aware of how sick and wrong this action is and choosing his own niece to top it off), I commend his decision to come clean on his own accord to apologize and confess to what he did to you. Pedophiles and sexual assailants usually commit this act after having it done to them earlier in life. Ironically enough, I had a close call when I was 10. This person was three years younger than I (7, again, I was 10). I had sexual inclinations early in life (I believe because of what I had been exposed to), and I thought this person felt the same way. Both of us fully clothed, I pressed my groin opposite this person's. After ten seconds, I felt like a complete sicko and stopped what I was doing. About two years ago I told him I was sorry I assulted him that way. He looked at me, completely confused, because he didn't realize that was where I was going with that. We had been rough housing before that and he probably didn't realize me doing that was something other than me genuinely playing around. I was relieved, since I found out he didn't go through the rest of his childhood and adolescence confused and burdened by what I intended to do for a split moment. I know your uncle was a full grown adult, and you were related (I was just 10 and this person was not related to me), but your uncle feeling remorse (when he could have kept it to himself, regardless if you knew) says a lot. He may have done something sick to you, but he realizes it was wrong.

Do you wish he hadn't brought it up to you or would you have rather found out despite the difficulty you are having grasping it? It seems like you desire this not to be something you were reminded of in the first place.

[innocentjoy]

I would just like to point out that part of the whole nature of sexual abuse is guilt and shaming. To guilt trip someone later on only makes the abuse even more confusing, shameful etc. Instead of that person coming to terms on what happened to them on their own, they now have to deal with the other person's regret/remorse. How is that fair? Just because someone may be sorry now for what they did, does not make it easier for the person who was violated....especially when they aren't even sure of what happened. Now the person has to deal with the thought processes that follow, including many invalidating thoughts about how they can be so upset, since the person feels sorry now. That was the message given to me every time something happened: I feel bad, I didn't mean to, it's not my fault, I love you, etc etc. Those messages make it so much worse to deal with the feelings left over by the abuse itself.
NO ONE should have to go through an abuse situation. And just because someone apologizes later on does not take away all of the issues that were created as a result. Perhaps in some people it makes things not seem so horrible, and perhaps some people wish it would happen to them. But just because a situation could have been "so much worse" does not take away from the trauma it was.
I am reacting strongly to this, as this is what I have had to come up against many many times, people trying to downplay a situation so that I won't feel so badly about it. Usually it has the opposite effect, as I then get the message that my feelings aren't as important as the actual events that happened. It is how my family has revictimized me all these years. Their intentions may be focused on caring for me, but their actions were completely different.

I'd also like to point out that not knowing exactly what happened, but knowing some form of abuse happened is not that easy to swallow. Perhaps it is better not having memories haunt you through your childhood, but the emotions involved in those memories do anyway. You just have no reason for feeling that way. You and everyone around you begins to doubt your emotions, and having people believe you is WAY harder when you don't even know what to believe yourself. One thing that many people look for, is "proof" that anything happened. And the proof is detailed memories. And new memories have many people crying "false memory", at least in my case. This doesn't mean that whatever you went through was not horrible, and I am very sorry that you have had to deal with so many people doubting you and blaming you. However at the same time, just because you feel that not knowing may have made your situation better, does not mean that someone else should be thankful that they don't remember everything.
It would be like someone telling you that you should feel lucky/happy that you weren't [fill in the blank with anything worse than what you went through]. Messages like that do not have the impact that many people think they will: ie feeling better. They often make the person feel like their emotions/reaction is wrong in some way, which often revictimizes the person.
I know I will probably have many people upset by this response, but it is difficult for me to stand by while others compare "what happened" instead of supporting each other to heal.

[kaliope]

I have so much that I do not remember and it was traumatizing me trying to fill in the holes. it got the point where t got me functioning again and I realized I did not need to know what happened to me, only accept that something did happen and move on from there. healing finally took place when I took this step and stopped seeking the past and moved on to the future and starting living life again. like someone already said, my brain is protecting me and I have to respect that. I may remember someday when I am better able to cope, but that is not right now. for now, I am living a good life, something I couldn't do when I was clinging to the past.

Originally Posted by innocentjoy

I would just like to point out that part of the whole nature of sexual abuse is guilt and shaming. To guilt trip someone later on only makes the abuse even more confusing, shameful etc. Instead of that person coming to terms on what happened to them on their own, they now have to deal with the other person's regret/remorse. How is that fair? Just because someone may be sorry now for what they did, does not make it easier for the person who was violated....especially when they aren't even sure of what happened. Now the person has to deal with the thought processes that follow, including many invalidating thoughts about how they can be so upset, since the person feels sorry now. That was the message given to me every time something happened: I feel bad, I didn't mean to, it's not my fault, I love you, etc etc. Those messages make it so much worse to deal with the feelings left over by the abuse itself.
NO ONE should have to go through an abuse situation. And just because someone apologizes later on does not take away all of the issues that were created as a result. Perhaps in some people it makes things not seem so horrible, and perhaps some people wish it would happen to them. But just because a situation could have been "so much worse" does not take away from the trauma it was.
I am reacting strongly to this, as this is what I have had to come up against many many times, people trying to downplay a situation so that I won't feel so badly about it. Usually it has the opposite effect, as I then get the message that my feelings aren't as important as the actual events that happened. It is how my family has revictimized me all these years. Their intentions may be focused on caring for me, but their actions were completely different.

I'd also like to point out that not knowing exactly what happened, but knowing some form of abuse happened is not that easy to swallow. Perhaps it is better not having memories haunt you through your childhood, but the emotions involved in those memories do anyway. You just have no reason for feeling that way. You and everyone around you begins to doubt your emotions, and having people believe you is WAY harder when you don't even know what to believe yourself. One thing that many people look for, is "proof" that anything happened. And the proof is detailed memories. And new memories have many people crying "false memory", at least in my case. This doesn't mean that whatever you went through was not horrible, and I am very sorry that you have had to deal with so many people doubting you and blaming you. However at the same time, just because you feel that not knowing may have made your situation better, does not mean that someone else should be thankful that they don't remember everything.
It would be like someone telling you that you should feel lucky/happy that you weren't [fill in the blank with anything worse than what you went through]. Messages like that do not have the impact that many people think they will: ie feeling better. They often make the person feel like their emotions/reaction is wrong in some way, which often revictimizes the person.
I know I will probably have many people upset by this response, but it is difficult for me to stand by while others compare "what happened" instead of supporting each other to heal.

@innocentjoy & newfie

I am not upset by this. On the contrary, thank you innocentjoy. I didn't realize I was invalidating newfie's situation until you pointed it out,nbut I now see that I was. I hope you can forgive me for projecting my circumstances unto you newfie.

@Innocentjoy

The confusion can be overwhelming, and in my case, incriminating. People wonder if I am a sociopath/rapist/pedophile/potential-serial-killer even to the point that I sometimes feel like one. I didn't have any reason to 'lie' about what happened. Quite honestly, I didn't fully understand it. That was why I reached out to my mom, who couldn't handle it and turned a smudge into a scattered mess. I was ten when I told her, and four when it happened, so I didn't realize the danger of confiding in people that will never exit My life. The rest of her family always saw me as a burden and liable child. I knew my fate was sealed as soon as she confessed everything to my grandmother.

What really racked me (like you pointed out) was my assulter. this person was young too, ten, and I also had a moment at ten when I considered having sex with a seven year old but realized how wrong that would be before I did anything to truamatize this person. My assualter took it further than just a clothed groin rub of a few seconds. My assualter would ask me to do something while exposing a certain part of said person's anatomy, and I said no. My assualter would then continue to try to convince me into partaking in whatever it was this person was trying to do. I made it clear that I didn't want to, but this person presisted in gaining my cooperation. I can't say I can relate to that, because I have always stopped any sexual activity when someone honestly says no (there was a time I messed around orally with my now ex and I didn't realize my ex didn't want to do anything until finally telling me not to, but I stopped as soon as it was made clear. This happened vice versa between us. We have both experienced sexual assualt as children, funny enough).

I thank you again innocentjoy, because this really is something that I have trouble grasping, especially after my every opinion of it is bound to be used against me by a family that thinks I am nothing more than a wanna-be rape victime that spun a tale at ten for kicks. I can see how me being a demented liar would be easier to accept then me having issues because another kid sexually assualted me. Btw, my assualter is also a family member, so you can see how that adds to the mess I've been in since telling my mom.

[innocentjoy]

Wondering, you are an amazing person! Many children who have been sexualized/abused at a young age act out on those experiences. Why wouldn't someone keep doing something they were taught to do at a young age, especially when something like sexual activity usually comes with physical good feelings? Any small child would not know any differently. And you are NOT someone who would abuse someone else, becuase as soon as you realized that it was not consensual, or felt wrong, that was the end of it. It sounds like those are healthy boundaries that you stick by.

I am glad you were able to understand. I think the reason why so many people still keep saying things like "just be happy that..." to me is because they truly want me to feel better. Unfortunately it sometimes has the opposite effect, which they don't realize.

Thank you for being so open to my ideas, I feel much less triggered about the situation If only others in my life were so understanding.

It's kind of intersting how we both reacted based on our personal experiences. That is why I was so upset to begin with, because of my own situations. Perhaps I should learn to take my own counsel :P

I understand how tricky things get when it is a family member. My first abuser was my grandfather, on my dad's side. Things get very complicated. It is very difficult when those who are supposed to protect and support us turn on us because of what we've been through, or worse, put us through those things. I hope that you have found supports in your life that are there for you, believe you, and accept you for the good person you are. This is difficult for me to always believe, but I do feel that no one else has the qualifications to be an expert on you, but you. No family member, friend, professional, doctor will ever know you better than you know yourself. You will and should always be the expert on your feelings, your reactions and your beliefs. You have every right to feel any and all emotions that come up, and anyone who says or acts differently is looking out for their best interstests first. K, that got mushy and complicated. I guess I'm trying to say that you are enough: you are good enough, worth enough, and valid enough just as you are. (Something I believe so easily about others, but have such a hard time believing about myself).
xo
IJ

Originally Posted by wonderingaboutme1

@innocentjoy & newfie

I am not upset by this. On the contrary, thank you innocentjoy. I didn't realize I was invalidating newfie's situation until you pointed it out,nbut I now see that I was. I hope you can forgive me for projecting my circumstances unto you newfie.

@Innocentjoy

The confusion can be overwhelming, and in my case, incriminating. People wonder if I am a sociopath/rapist/pedophile/potential-serial-killer even to the point that I sometimes feel like one. I didn't have any
reason to 'lie' about what happened. Quite honestly, I didn't fully
understand it. That was why I reached out to my mom, who couldn't
handle it and turned a smudge into a scattered mess. I was ten when I
told her, and four when it happened, so I didn't realize the danger of
confiding in people that will never exit My life. The rest of her family
always saw me as a burden and liable child. I knew my fate was sealed
as soon as she confessed everything to my grandmother.
plus youve got your stories confused. I was offended by my uncle, I was offended by some 40 or 50 yr old neighborhood guy

What really racked me (like you pointed out) was my assulter. this person was young too, ten, and I also had a moment at ten when I considered having sex with a seven year old but realized how wrong that would be before I did anything to truamatize this person. My assualter took it further than just a clothed groin rub of a few seconds. My assualter would ask me to do something while exposing a certain part of said person's anatomy, and I said no. My assualter would then continue to try to convince me into partaking in whatever it was this person was trying to do. I made it clear that I didn't want to, but this person presisted in gaining my cooperation. I can't say I can relate to that, because I have always stopped any sexual activity when someone honestly says no (there was a time I messed around orally with my now ex and I didn't realize my ex didn't want to do anything until finally telling me not to, but I stopped as soon as it was made clear. This happened vice versa between us. We have both experienced sexual assualt as children, funny enough).

I thank you again innocentjoy, because this really is something that I have trouble grasping, especially after my every opinion of it is bound to be used against me by a family that thinks I am nothing more than a wanna-be rape victime that spun a tale at ten for kicks. I can see how me being a demented liar would be easier to accept then me having issues because another kid sexually assualted me. Btw, my assualter is also a family member, so you can see how that adds to the mess I've been in since telling my mom.

plus youve got your stories confused. I wasnt offended by my uncle, I was offended by two neighborhood guys (separate offenses) 40 to 50 yrs old when I was 9-11. Envy me? Why? I said I have holes, but I do remember some of it and it has come back to haunt me.

Originally Posted by Sabra

Good afternoon,

You may or may not get info from the black holes. I always realized I had been abused. However, when an uncle came to me and apologized for molesting me from ages 4-6, I freaked. I was terrified of what else I didn't know. Some of the black holes were filled in and I had new memories. I have never remembered my uncle molesting me.

Regards,

Sabra

My mistake newfie. I didn't realize that was Sabra and not you. I didn't mean to get your stories confused.

Originally Posted by Newfie girl

plus youve got your stories confused. I wasnt offended by my uncle, I was offended by two neighborhood guys (separate offenses) 40 to 50 yrs old when I was 9-11. Envy me? Why? I said I have holes, but I do remember some of it and it has come back to haunt me.

It's confusing for me too. I use to hallucinate when I was ten in the middle of waking up (sleep paralysis, night terrors).

Everyone seems so convinced it's not true.

I look back on what I remember and consider that maybe I did hallucinate. I had a lot of sexual inclinations after that 'memory' toward male family members. I am an only child of a single mom and have no sibilings, perhaps that plays a role in my disturbed perception back at such a young age. I remember kissing both a male and female cousin (I did a similar clothed groin approximity with the male one when I was four or five years old); I tried groping my uncle-in-law's genitals at around the same age (thankfully he didn't allow me). Perhaps I am interpreting this memory the wrong way, and maybe he was merely another one of my cousins that declined my advances? Could I have possibly decieved myself into wanting it so early in life that I ended up believing my version of it as true? I was considered hyperactive, but I was hypersexual by the age of three!

What was wrong with me? Why was I obscene like that at a age before puberty? I am glad I at least had enough sense to look for sex mutually (albiet, secretly; I am glad no one volunteered). I hid it very well.

I have been reading up on children that surpass those grouped as troubled youths and have trouble understanding the most basic of human emotions. These are dubbed 'evil' children.

I think I may have been like this. I have never been violent, and have always been a coward. I was quite deceptive and lied when it was convienent. I am thankful that it wasn't worse. It's still quite unsettling though. Even in my teens I would have mutually slept with a willing guy, despite my familial relationship with them. I am glad no one initiated anything or I would been worse right now.

Despite my nature, I always took into account mutual participation because of this lingering 'memory'. Having done these things after the memory makes me consider if this was a way my evil mind justified my sexual urges. Almost as if indicating 'it's alright, as long as you both want to'. I did all of this before I turned ten. Everyone in my mom's family remembers that coming out after I told my mom.

How is that for a disturbing walk down abnormal, questionable childhood memory lane?