[peaches100]

I'm very nervous today! A couple of weeks ago, I sent my t a couple of articles on touch in therapy and asked her to read them and tell me how she felt about using touch in our work. We weren't able to discuss it last week because my h was with me.

Well, tomorrow I see my t. So I emailed her to remind her that I wanted to discuss it at my session. In my email, I told her as honestly as I could how afraid I am of being too attached to her. I told her that even though child parts feel like they badly need physical comfort, I am afraid that it might make it even harder for me to detach from her later. I talked about how child parts of me want her to love them and be like a mom to them, and how I'm so afraid of finding out that nobody (not even she) can love my child parts and give them what they need! I also said that if it's true, I don't want to know! I don't want her to tell me because I'm not ready to hear it. I can't accept it right now, the thought of it hurts too much!


I said that the adult part of me understands that our relationship is a paid temporary relationship that will end at some point. But child parts don't understand this. If I allow those parts of me to get too close to her, or allow her to comfort them -- and then later we terminate and the relationship ends, child parts may not understand or be able to accept it. They might be very hurt because when they finally found someone who seemed to love them like mom never did, and who they trusted and bonded to -- that person will leave their life just like everybody else has! My t says it's different because this time, it won't be an abandonment. Maybe not, but will child parts see it any other way? Can they understand a relationship that feels so emotionally close and intimate, but yet is only temporary and they will have to give up seeing somebody they have come to love? I don't know. . .I really don't.


What those parts really need is someone who is capable of loving them and staying in their life. My t is not going to do that! So if I let those parts of me bond with her, they will entertain false hopes that she loves them and will stay in their life. I don't want to see them hurt like that ever again!


One thing I've noticed about child parts is that once they find that "special" person, they interpret normal human kindness as love -- maybe because they have been so desperate for it for so long. But at some point, they always realize that what they considered a deep emotionally attached relationship only existed in their mind -- not the other person's. They realize that the person they had become so attached to didn't reciprocate their feelings. They didn't see the relationship with the same importance I did. And it hurt very, very badly!


I told my t that I don't want to believe in a fantasy that our relationship could be more than it can, and then come crashing down later when I realize that I've misinterpreted yet another relationship!


My t replied that she had read my emails and had given them a lot of thought. And that we would discuss all of this tomorrow. So I responded that I am glad to know she has given this a lot of thought. I said that we have worked together so long, I can trust that she knows what is best for me. I said that whether I like what she says, or it hurts me or makes me angry, I really do know that she has my best interests at heart.



Now, I'm sitting here with a tight knot in my stomach, dreading what she is going to say tomorrow! Up until now, even though my t encourages me to comfort and soothe myself, she has also let me know that it's OK to attach to her and have some of my unmet needs met. When I've felt so afraid or ashamed, she has reminded me that it's OK and that she doesn't plan to hurt me or push me away. But 95% of the time, I don't ask her to hug me at all, even though I badly want it. There's always a part of me who feels certain that if I get what I need, everything will go to h*ll.


I've read some articles that say that in cases like mine, if the t and client can attach and the client can get some of their needs met in the t relationship, then the strong longing for it will subside. That getting what they need will eventually allow that longing and pain to go away, and the client will then be able to emotionally mature and grow beyond the need for it and be able to leave therapy.

But what if that doesn't happen? What if it just makes me need my t more and not want to give her up? That's what scares me so badly!


I WANT the intimacy. I WANT the attachment. I WANT R. to love me like a mom. I WANT her to soothe me and comfort me when I'm in pain. Sometimes the pain and longing for it are so strong and painful, I can hardly tolerate it! But there's always a little voice inside my head that says it's a fantasy, it's unrealistic, and I'm going to end up hurt all over again!!

I hate this tug-of-war regarding attachment and it has been going on all the time I've been with my t (several years).
The problem is that I can't seem to do the deep work of therapy without letting down my guard and trusting and attaching to her. But the thought of doing so scares the crap out of me! Any time I've even asked for a hug and got one, the initial feelings of warmness and being cared for later turned into anxiety about losing her down the road. So getting close to her ends up scaring me. I'm just as afraid of it as I need it.

I don't know what to do and could use some input.

[innocentjoy]

I'm not sure I can help very much. I don't know you or your t, or much about your situation. There is obviously a lot of concern and anxiety around this. However, can you define whose insecurity it is? Is it all cominf from you, or is it also coming from the younger parts? You seem very reluctant to let the younger ones bond with her based on the fact that it is a temporary relationship. However, all relationships have an end at some point. The only person we take to the grave is ourselves. I understand this is a generalization, and that this may be shorter than you were intending. But I feel like it would be an amazing chance for the younger ones to learn about healthy relationships. How you CAN be attached to someone and feel close and supported and have it end (at some distant point) in a positive way. Terminating therapy is a process in itself, especially after years, so it wouldn't just be that one day it was over. I'm sure your t would take the time to help all the parts understand the meaning of the end of it.
And what a great learning experience for them, on trust and positive attachment.
Of course you're worried and upset. With your history (well, with any of our histories) it only makes sense that trust and intimacy would be an issue. especially if you never got the love from your mom that you deserved. Not because of anything you did, but because you are. You are you, you are human, you are. Period.
My question from earlier I guess is to see if it is the little ones who need the support through this, or if you are using that anxiety and fear of future hurts to make it more difficult for the little ones to get the support and love they need?
This isn't a question I expect you to answer to me, or to anyone really. Just something to ponder on your own. I find questions like that will sometimes help me to figure out what the right direction to go is, based on how I feel/think/react to the ideas presented. Only you know what is best for you. Even if you think you don't, a part of you will. Intuition, gut feeling, emotional response. Something will tell you if you are on the right track with it.

I've worked with, and been a client to many many mental health practitioners. The ones who connect with you, that is not fake. They actually care. The relationship is focused on the wellbeing of one person, yes, and it's unlike other, reciprocal relationships. But doesn't mean she doesn't care about you a lot, and it doesn't mean it's fake or fantasy. I would mention one thing, though. Mom's will always have issues with their kids, even the 'really great' ones. Every mom will make selfish choices, guilt trip, yell and be upset, be demanding, not understand and not put you first. Not all the time, but these do happen, and fairly often. You don't need a mom. You need nurturing. You need care, kindness and empathy, and unconditional support. A relationship with a t is a pretty good place to learn about those kinds of supports.
I hope it goes well tomorrow. Please keep me updated, I'd love to hear how it goes!
(sorry if that ended up sounding really preachy, that wasn't my intent!!)
xo
IJ