Back Again and Update

(Trigger icon is because I talk about family issues that are related to abuse)

Hi everyone,

It has been two weeks since I've been here, which is about 12 days longer than I've been gone since I joined back in June. I really missed being here. We were having a great vacation in Disneyworld for the first week. Then the day before we left Orlando, my mom called my husband and we found out that she is having a really, really tough time dealing with the fact that my Dad (they are still married and living together) abused me growing up. She is a little delusional and has started taking medication. So, I started dealing with that and we got back home on Sunday.

Then on Monday, my Dad's therapist asked my therapist if I would come in and talk to my Dad face-to-face to tell him about the abuse since he still does not remember any of it (at least that is what he says). I thought I would throw up when my T told me that. I tried to consider it but there was just no way. T said that she had not thought I was ready but wanted me to make the decision. She then said that instead of seeing him in person, she wanted me to write down with as much detail as possible one of the times that it happened, especially if there were times that coincided with a holiday or birthday or someone visiting (I'm guessing the last part would help jog his memory??).

On Tuesday I noticed that I was having a hard time because I was getting hurt by not being fully present in my body. I ran into the dishwasher and make a huge welt and scrape on my shin, then bumped off the bed post as I walked by the bed and bruised my hip, then smashed my left-hand fingers against the doorway as I walked through. I hate those days when I keep getting hurt.

On Tuesday night I decided not to procrastinate and would do my homework on Wednesday. I woke up with a headache on Wednesday that wouldn't go away and was just bad enough that I couldn't concentrate. After tucking my daughter into bed that night, I got my pen and paper and suddenly the headache was unbearable and I couldn't think straight and all I could do was rub my forehead and wait for it to go away. My husband noticed and suggested that the homework was too much for me. In case he was right, I decided to wait to talk to my T on Monday before doing the homework. The headache was gone within 30 minutes. I sat down at the computer to try again on Thursday morning and the headache came back. Ok, I give. I found out that one of my protectors wouldn't allow me to talk about the abuse with my dad because it made some of the littles feel extremely unsafe. So, we talked about that together and decided that doing the homework wasn't as important as taking care of ourselves right now. Thursday night and Friday I took it easy and took time to read for fun and had a hot bath and ended up sleeping with my teddy bear again Friday night (last night).

This morning, as a result of taking good enough care of myself and listening and reassuring everyone, one of the littles who knows what happened narrated the homework to me. It didn't take place around a holiday or any specific date that my dad would remember, but I did the best I could and that is what is important. I felt great after writing it down.

Then, I called my mom today to make sure that she would be safe if my dad gets really angry after hearing this detailed description in his therapy coming up. I have not spoken to her since August. She was so very glad to hear my voice and she talked for over an hour.

Important news: I found out that my mother is highly dissociative and her therapist has not quite decided if she is DID or DDNOS, but is leaning towards DID. This is huge good news for me since it confirms what I suspected since this past June when I recognized one of my mothers alters that I knew from my childhood. It also explains so much frustrating behavior on her part. She actually said that she is a fast switching dissociative right now. It was obvious while we talked because she would switch her train of thought without finishing pretty frequently. She also was able to recognize losing time in the past. I did not tell her about me being DID, even though I wanted to. My T thinks that it could be very damaging if my father knows about it while he is just getting started with therapy. My mom said that she has not told my dad that she has DID and probably will not since he would not understand and it would probably make everything worse for her.

I am so glad to be back feeling normal again and my homework is done and I was able to touch base with my mom and not get triggered or switch while talking to her. The sun came out again today after lots of rain and the air was crisp and chilly and the sky was so blue and I felt happy and grateful to be alive.

((((((((((((safe hugs to everyone)))))))))))

Elizabeth

Wishing you more sunshiney days and less rainy ones.

Wow, sounds like you had a lot to digest in a short period of time! I'm amazed at how brave you were during that and you wrote it all here...thank you.

It always helps me to see that I'm not alone in some details (like you getting hurt and having headaches all day...) and that there is light at the end of those long tunnels we go through.

Again, thank you for sharing so others could find healing, too.

((((Elizabeth))))

Glad to see you back!... it sounds like you have had some pretty big news about your parents and some dificult challenges to get thru...



Eva

(((((((((( oneandmany ))))))))))))))

How brave you are...what a beautiful soul.

I appreciate so much your sharing in the hopes of helping others who might journey the same path in healing.

Thank you,

KD

(((((((((((((( OneAndMany ))))))))))))))