[Claritytoo]

Over the past few weeks I have been having bouts with an all consuming oppressive heavy feeling/part. It has been so bad I actually thought I needed to go to a hospital so I could get a break through being medicated. (And I am highly afraid of being hospitalized for any reason) So I was feeling pretty desperate. I never thought of harming myself. Not like when I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. This was so different. I felt like I was losing a hold on reality, that I would cease to exist as I am. I started thinking about what feelings I know. I know sadness, hopelessness, fear, kindness, happiness (limited), I know what grief feels like and envy. I know anger and rage. But this feeling/part was nothing I was familiar with. It was draining and heavy. It was nothing I would want to be for the rest of my life. I thought I was just going insane now. And that I would fall away and remain in this emotional purgatory. That perhaps this is who I was without my alters. While trying to remember what feelings I know it came to me that what I was experiencing was despair, complete and utter despair. Isolated and consuming feeling of despair. The feeling was real, it is something that exists in human nature. Being able to give this emotional abyss a name is the beginning of my being able to work through this powerful and draining emotion. It also allows me to understand that it is an emotion/part that is not wanting to consume me. It is a part that I felt decades ago. I never knew what this feeling was. I thought I was going insane than. Now I know that I am not going insane, that this emotion/part is out for a reason and that he doesn't intend to stay out. When he is out it is difficult for me to communicate with him because I am so buried and weighted down by his presence. But knowing it is despair that I feel has given me a better understanding of what is happening to me. Maybe I can push past the feelings of fear and panic that despair stirs up and just allow myself to experience this pain. But it is so deep. I will try. That is the most I can do. I think despair wants to be freed from his isolation. I think that is a good thing.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Over the past few weeks I have been having bouts with an all consuming oppressive heavy feeling/part. It has been so bad I actually thought I needed to go to a hospital so I could get a break through being medicated. (And I am highly afraid of being hospitalized for any reason) So I was feeling pretty desperate. I never thought of harming myself. Not like when I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. This was so different. I felt like I was losing a hold on reality, that I would cease to exist as I am. I started thinking about what feelings I know. I know sadness, hopelessness, fear, kindness, happiness (limited), I know what grief feels like and envy. I know anger and rage. But this feeling/part was nothing I was familiar with. It was draining and heavy. It was nothing I would want to be for the rest of my life. I thought I was just going insane now. And that I would fall away and remain in this emotional purgatory. That perhaps this is who I was without my alters. While trying to remember what feelings I know it came to me that what I was experiencing was despair, complete and utter despair. Isolated and consuming feeling of despair. The feeling was real, it is something that exists in human nature. Being able to give this emotional abyss a name is the beginning of my being able to work through this powerful and draining emotion. It also allows me to understand that it is an emotion/part that is not wanting to consume me. It is a part that I felt decades ago. I never knew what this feeling was. I thought I was going insane than. Now I know that I am not going insane, that this emotion/part is out for a reason and that he doesn't intend to stay out. When he is out it is difficult for me to communicate with him because I am so buried and weighted down by his presence. But knowing it is despair that I feel has given me a better understanding of what is happening to me. Maybe I can push past the feelings of fear and panic that despair stirs up and just allow myself to experience this pain. But it is so deep. I will try. That is the most I can do. I think despair wants to be freed from his isolation. I think that is a good thing.

yes in my opinion being able to look inside yourself, recognize you were feeling an emotional part and take inventory of your feelings until you were able to actually name the feeling that you felt is a very good thing. keep up the great work you are doing on yourself.

[pegasus]

Hello Claritytoo, that is real insight to pinpoint what is happening. I too know that feeling. Hugs

[Claritytoo]

Thanks for the kind words and the hugs.