I've been doing trauma therapy. I do emdr therapy as well. During therapy, it's hard for me to get in my emotions of the negative traumas when I need them. It's like I can talk about it as if I'm not emotionally involved. My therapist says I'm not allowing myself to feel my emotions. It's hindering my progress a lot! How can I get more in touch with my trauma that goes back to child abuse? I randomly feel emotional when I'm home, basically when I'm not in therapy!

Help! I'm not sure if this is disassociation.

[Claritytoo]

I am not usually emotional in therapy. But some of the others are. When they talk they will sometimes be emotional. I have a part of me that is all about functioning in the world and that part can talk about what we remember without emotion. There is also stuff that we do not remember. That stuff still scares us too much to allow the feelings to be felt. I think you just need more time to trust that the trauma is a memory and not happening now. Take your time. The emotions will come when everyone is ready.

[ThisWayOut]

I cannot say if it is or is not dissociation, but definitely a defense mechanism. Do you have any idea why if feels safer to access these emotions at home as opposed to therapy?
I know when I have trouble with emotions, it is because I have an aversion/fear/dislike for showing vulnerable emotions to another person (related to abuse in childhood). The only "safe emotion" for me to show anyone is a flat affect. Any other emotional response growing up was either dismissed or punished. It takes me a really long time to feel safe enough with any T to show any other level of emotion... It was a great defense growing up, but it makes therapy and getting adequate support really difficult in my current life.
Can you identify anythign that would blck you from accessing these emotions in therapy? Is there anythign your T could do to make thigns feel "safer"?

Yes, it is a defense system after talking to my therapist. I don't consciously choose to do it at home, it just randomly happens. My therapist thinks all my defense mechanisms are blocking me from feeling my emotions, such as helplessness and sitting on the fence a lot with my emotional decisions. I need a way to get past these defense mechanisms, but how?

She points them out to me and they make sense, but I feel like I have blinders on.

[ThisWayOut]

insight's the first step... sadly, I don't know the next step because I have not yet gotten past the insight stage, but I hear it's possible.
I think there has to be a measure of emotional safety and trust with your T before you can let those guards down. I know I would not have been able to do the EMDR I did manage with anyone other than the therapist I did it with. That was 2 years into working with her...
My more recent previous T broke through my walls with a genuine comment that just happened to hit the right cord with me, so I was able to trust her from then on...
If you can figure out what the barriers to your trust are, maybe you guys could get past the defenses?

[pattijane]

Originally Posted by Rara200284

I've been doing trauma therapy. I do emdr therapy as well. During therapy, it's hard for me to get in my emotions of the negative traumas when I need them. It's like I can talk about it as if I'm not emotionally involved. My therapist says I'm not allowing myself to feel my emotions. It's hindering my progress a lot! How can I get more in touch with my trauma that goes back to child abuse? I randomly feel emotional when I'm home, basically when I'm not in therapy!

Help! I'm not sure if this is disassociation.

Sounds like a very protective part is keeping you at a distance from your feelings (and probably body sensations as well). There is a special EMDR protocol for dissociative disorders and complex PTSD. In general, the treatment of trauma and dissociation with EMDR (or any therapy) requires special/extra training. For your therapist (who may have already read it or something similar, but also for you) here's a great book: "Healing the Heart of Trauma and Dissociation with EMDR and Ego State Therapy" written by Carol Forgash, an expert in dissociative disorders and EMDR.

My best advice as a psychologist and trauma expert who uses EMDR as my primary method of psychotherapy, and in my role as a facilitator who trains other therapists in EMDR (certified by the EMDR International Assoc. and trained by the EMDR Inst, both of which I strongly recommend in an EMDR therapist) is to spend much more time on Resource Development in EMDR therapy.

One of the initial phases (Phase 2) in EMDR psychotherapy involves "'preparing for memory processing"' or desensitization (memory processing or desensitization - phases 3-6 - is often what is referred to as "EMDR" which is actually an 8-phase, 3-pronged method of psychotherapy). In this phase resources are "front-loaded" so that you have a "floor" or "container" to help with processing the really hard stuff, as well as creating strategies if you're triggered in everyday life. In Phase 2 you learn a lot of great coping strategies and self-soothing techniques which you can use during EMDR processing or anytime you feel the need. So if you start feeling overwhelmed or that it's too intense, you can ground yourself (with your therapist's help in session, and on your own between sessions) and feel safe enough to continue the work.

Grounding exercises are indispensable in everyday life, and really essential in stressful times. Anyone can use some of the techniques in Dr. Shapiro's new book "Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR."'Dr. Shapiro is the founder/creator of EMDR therapy but all the proceeds from the book go to two charities: the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Program and the EMDR Research Foundation). Anyway, the book is terrific. It's an easy read, helps you understand what's "pushing" your feelings and behavior, helps you connect the dots from past experiences to current life. Also teaches readers lots of helpful techniques that can be used immediately and that are also used during EMDR therapy to calm disturbing thoughts and feelings.

One of the key assets of EMDR is that YOU, the client, are in control NOW, even though you likely were not during past events. You NEVER need re-live an experience or go into great detail, ever! You NEVER need to go through the entire memory. YOU can decide to keep the lights (or the alternating sounds and/or tactile pulsars, or the waving hand, or hand/knee tapping - all forms of bilateral stimulation that should be decided by the client for the client's comfort) going, or stop them, whichever helps titrate – measure and adjust the balance or “dose“ of the processing. During EMDR processing there are regular “breaks” and you can control when and how many but the therapist should be stopping the bilateral stimulation every 25-50 or so passes of the lights to ask you to take a deep breath and to say just a bit of what you’re noticing. The breaks help keep a “foot in the present” while you’re processing the past. Again, and I can’t say this enough, YOU ARE IN CHARGE so YOU can make the process tolerable. No therapy should go digging for repressed memories. Memories are "repressed" for good, protective reasons. Such memories might surface with enough preparation and when the timing is right.

Pacing and dosing are critically important. So if you ever feel that EMDR processing is too intense then it might be time to go back over all the resources that should be used both IN session and BETWEEN sessions. Your therapist can use a variety of techniques to make painful processing less painful, like suggesting you turn the scene in your mind to black and white, lower the volume, or, erect a bullet-proof glass wall between you and the painful scene, and so forth. There are a lot of these kinds of "interventions" that ease the processing. They are called "cognitive interweaves" that your therapist can use, and that also can help bring your adult self's perspective into the work (or even an imaginary Adult Perspective). Such interweaves are based around issues of Safety, Responsibility, and Choice. So therapist questions like "are you safe now?" or "who was responsible? and "do you have more choices now?" are all very helpful in moving the processing along.

[amandalouise]

Rara200284

Here in NY ( the one in the USA as opposed to other locations) talking about traumatic things without emotions is called ...lack of Affect (the inability to express and show appropriate emotions) here it is part of PTSD and not a dissociative symptom. other locations though may call it a dissociative symptom.

that said an interesting thing that jumps out at me is the statement that you can feel emotions at home but not in therapy....that to me doesnt suggest Dissociation or lack of affect... to me that suggests a trust issue, or something during therapy doesnt feel right.

my suggestion is look at how and why you are able to feel emotions at home and see what it is during therapy that is causing you to not show the therapist your emotions you can otherwise feel outside of therapy....

example
there was a time where I could show sadness/crying or suicidal feelings with my wife on the home front but not with my therapist in therapy. when I looked at the two situations I realized at home I wasnt afraid of what my wife would think or that she would hospitalize me, when we talked it was in a comfortable setting. whereas during therapy there was the fear of my therapist not understanding me, not believing me, could possibly hospitalize me. my therapist and I talked about this and we made some changes in her office that made me feel much more comfortable, and we talked about when and how I should be inpatient and when it could be needed. those things taken care of I was much more open with my therapist.

my suggestion is talk with your therapist, let them know that you can do this at home but not with them and maybe they can help you carry over that sense of safety/trust you have at home, into the therapy with them.

[Joeygn72]

I am probably chiming in on this discussion late but my advice is to not force it. your therapist's job is to let YOU set the pace of your therapy and let things happen when you are comfortable not at the rate that anyone thinks it should happen.

I had a similar circumstance and my T. and I backed up and went slow. I would go over my past trauma like I was reading a script because I didn't feel anything about it. That's what dissociation does. Recently Adam showed up in our sessions. Thats when the emotions came out because Adam was carrying the emotions attached to the memories.

Not saying you have DID but thats what happened to me. So relax and don't think things have a time table.

[ChildlikeEmpress]

I have not done EMDR yet but I just wanted to say I hear you. I have problems with this too, and it's frustrating. I agree it's a defense against being overwhelmed with a memory or intense emotion.
I am not sure what a good answer is about how to get back into your emotions. I wonder if music would help? Sometimes music can bring emotions back to the surface for me. Not sure how that would work in therapy.

[Joeygn72]

I found something you said interesting. I can not at home get in touch with my trauma and emotions connected to my abuse. However if I watch something on TV and it triggers it then I dissociate.

It's taken me several months to be able to truly dissociate in therapy.

[possum220]

Hello Rara.

Many years ago I started with my current P'doc. I was always numb. It took years for me to feel sadness. Further down the track anger revealed itself. Feeling aren't something that you can force out..

I have no experience with EMDR. It is not yet done in Australia. If you are feeling connected with your treatment provider then stay with them. Is EMDR the only thing they do? If they can't do anything else maybe check out other service providers.

Just an option. Take Care.