[Kiya]

I had to get those plates out - the blue, round plates- out of my house. They've been in the dishwasher all this time (clean). I had new plates - square, yellow. But I couldn't clean them when the old were filling the room.
I packed them and my head went spin spin spin...... I took a break. a long break.
I dealt with strong urges to harm severely. I got through with mild scratches, Ativan, binge eating and pacing my small apartment back and forth.
Today was the same - they were packed, but still in the kitchen - each time I saw them, the spinning would start. Goal was to get them to Goodwill. But the urges started again. I finally took the bag of plates out to the big dumpster and threw them in with a loud CRASH that felt good. Then found two more that needed to join them - and did.
Still the urges have been so so strong. I reached out and left a message for my pnurse. I've half expected the police to show up to do a welfare check - that's never happened, and I hope it won't.
Again "coping" with food... and alcohol this time.... I have to see my parental unit tomorrow and find a way to hide these marks.... looks like i'll have to use make up - foundation. If I have any light enough for the belly of my arm. Long sleeves, of course, but those can slip. :/
This spin cycle thing is harsh. How suddenly it gets to me. hopefully things will be better with those dishes gone. The program REALLY wanted to harm badly and I was afraid for a while, but I think she was more afraid than I. My poor baby. How long is the Long Dark Night of the Soul anyway?

[kaliope]

i am so glad that you had the courage to throw the plates away. reading the first part of your post i was screaming that in my head...just throw them out, throw them out, so i was so happy to see that you did that. Great job!

i felt that i was trapped in the dark night of the soul forever. forever. i kept reading about it in different sources trying to find the key to get out, find the secret, find the light. it took many years but i am finally out of all that darkness. it does not consume me anymore.

i hope you are feeling better.

[Kiya]

I am glad it does not consume you anymore. What was your key out? Or is it just a process, like crossing the desert - eventually you just get there?