I really don't know who I am. I just have a sense of direction. I'm a lot of people, but never "me".

I'm like a conscience under the influence of all other personalities. I'm aware, but not in control. My body moves on its own and does its own thing. I have different and opposing point of views, I think like somebody else. I'm No one, then everyone else.

My attitudes change with manners and gestures and body positions and acts. I can see all that, but not control it.

I'm in total conflict with society and my self image. Its been a battle and I'm not a winner, I'm lost in the mental shuffle.

I don't even feel like I'm bodily in control. I feel disconnected in perception. Sure I can feel, but also can feel that I'm not controlling how I move. It's like I'm on a carnival ride, just going with the flow.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just gave up. Let em have it so to speak.

It's already made me socially awkward, let alone personally awkward, no real sense of self. I can only dream of being a solid me....actually no idea as scary as the idea is, but I can imagine.

One minute I'm a sit at home Mom, and the next I want to write the next best seller, or re-program the computer, or be building on a website, or a business accountant guru, or next working on my next gourmet meal....sure it seems normal enough, but feeling like completely different people with different ideas and attitudes? I know that's not normal.

I'm sure I've griped about this already, but today, I'm not feeling all that great about it. Thanks for letting me rant, there's a part of me that's proud of being a know it all and totally in control, or at least likes to keep the illusion that we are.

[Ruftin]

(((AlwaysChanging2))) You rant away if it makes you feel better. None of us are 100% of who we want to be even when it's just one of us. We're all a work in progress......

[lifelies]

[Fuzzybear]