[finding_my_way]

because of my ongoing high level of stress and uncertainty, i'm still having a lot of difficulty with moods and dissociation. i cannot tell which is depression and which is more dissociation though.

last night, it got to a scary point where i felt things so shut down (which has been happening a lot lately) and dark (not in the mood sense, but literally inside) and could not figure out which reality was real, the one i saw outside or the one i felt inside. it is a scary and almost dangerous place to be because that is when unhealthy coping skills become an option...and no matter how much i do not want to engage in it, sometimes it literally feels like the only thing there is to try to make it all stop or come back into my body/reality more.

also during that, being able to reach out to my psychiatrist is never an option. she has always told me she will be there for me whenever i need to see her, but things just get shut down so much that she doesn't become an option.

i am not understanding any of this..i don't know if it even belongs in this forum or another one.

i cannot always tell what is dissociation and what it is not...but you'd think i should be able to after a lifetime of it.

all i know is being in an in between reality/twilight zone type of state and not fully knowing what is real is scary...and very dark feeling.

a year or two ago (something like that), i had a similar type of thing happen...but at that time, there was a voice inside telling me to hurt myself. it completely took over, and i can remember using what little energy i had left just arguing with it, talking to it, and trying to make it leave me alone. it kept making me feel its feelings as a way to make me do what it wanted, and i am scared that kind of thing might happen again. i had never heard that voice before though.

i used to know what the others' voices were, ages, and genders, etc. but that stopped several years ago...and i am unsure why...if it was just made up...except any time i did/do hear the voices, it was/is very real......and when they blend into me, that is also very real.

i just don't understand how it can go from hearing their voices and having such a loud head for years and then losing it all but still feeling them (sometimes)....and not knowing who it is anymore....if it's the same ones or different..if they have shifted/changed or if i have....i don't understand it.

(((((Finding my way))))).

I'm sorry that you feel that way hun. Thanks for sharing here, it's so like lonely feeling when there is no one that you can locally turn to, nobody that understands our situation.

Can't it be both? Our body goes into bipolar depression naturally and it affects most everyone. In its deepest depths, we do dissociate into a fog sometimes because it's torture with all the bad thoughts that triggers our self harmers.

Hang in their sweety and I hope that things gets better for you.