[finding_my_way]

the worst kind for me is the one with no trigger and it just happening. last year, around august, it started again for me and a few times between then and now. now, just over a year later, it is happening again...at least the more severe kind, not the subtle kind that i tend to experience in the in betweens.

all i can think is maybe the time of year is the trigger. there are just a few traumas (one big one that i remember) which might be related...but i don't know what else...i just feel very disconnected, far away in my head....like autopilot with variations of having no connection to my body, more in my head but far away in it at the same time. i can still see out of my eyes, but my eyes feel kind of heavy. even walking today was strange because it felt like i was tilting to one side or going to fall over or trip because it was all so strange.

the lack of focus has been hard because the dissociation started not long after i started work...and it made it very hard to focus on doing that. i don't know how well i did.

it started last night, i think. or maybe the day before yesterday. i just hope that it will lessen over the next few days because i do not want to feel this long term again.

even with spaces between the severity of it, every time it happens like this (or other forms), it feels like the first time..and i still don't know how to really deal with it besides just go through it. it's uncomfortable, and functioning can be difficult if i have to actually talk to people or go out of the house. but at least in those few seconds, i can kind of come back a bit more....it's just once that situation ends, it's back to feeling out of it again.

It seems that sometimes when DR kicks in, it's because of over stimulation of the senses...like pulling into a busy parking lot or walking into a busy grocery store...all the activity, colors, noise, everyone scurrying around...I get dazed...I start to try focusing on labels until I can read them to make sense to reel me back in.

I hope you stay safe.