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  #1  
Old Feb 27, 2016, 07:00 PM
Anonymous37827
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This whole thread is going to be triggering on many levels- please don't read if you can't deal with being triggered right now.

I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

I've been smoking weed for twenty years - very very consciously because its the only thing that stops me wanting to kill myself. Nothing else has ever worked.

I started T 18 months ago, with one of my main goals being to give up. I had no idea when I started T that I was DIDishness, but it became clear that was the case real quickly. It began to make sense why I fell apart so badly when I wasn't stoned - why my head just started spinning and I had too many thoughts and opinions to the extent I couldn't function. Roll on 18 months, and for lots of different reasons I decided it was time to give up. I thought it would be different this time - now I know WHY I get like i do.

That was a few weeks ago, and all hell has broken loose since then. My head is out of control, and sui ideation has been growing daily. I've fired my T for no reason whatsoever and cut off the very few friends I had. Work has got better, but outside of work I have just been falling apart and basically stopped functioning altogether.

I was triggered a week ago when a colleague fell in to a psychosis and for a couple of days I was looking after him until he ended up in hospital. It turns out (we had no idea) he was a schizophrenic and had stopped taking his medication. This took me straight back to an incident when I was 17 (over twenty years ago).
Possible trigger:
He was 23 years old, and was a schizophrenic. She asked if I knew what that was and I said "no". My mum went on to say that schizophrenics hear voices, and they are very unhappy and lead very miserable lives, and this was probably the best thing for him. She was trying to make me feel better about what I had seen, and didn't know about my DIDishness. I took her comments personally. I thought she was talking about me. That day the bit of me that just wants to die 24/7 was born, and what happened at work last week brought it all back.

I was already off the scale losing it, but this sent me spinning.Today it all reached a head. I couldn't take it any more and decided enough was enough. I headed out the house to a place a few miles away. As I was leaving the farmers daughter told me their dog that I've been looking after and love very much is being PTS tomorrow morning. That nailed it.

In the end I sat there in the trees trying to work out what to do. My head was spinning. Part of me was just screaming to do it do it do it. Part of me was screaming scared. Time passed. I don't know how long. I hugged a tree. It was covered in the softest lichen - was really comforting. In the end I decided purely because of the child in the garden - I couldn't do it. I couldn't affect that child for the rest of his life, the way so many people in my life had thoughtlessly done to mine.

I hung around for a while. Part of me was so desperate to just do it. Anything to make this hell stop. But I didn't. I just got on the bus and went home.

When I got home I lost it completely
Possible trigger:
I was arguing with myself, begging myself to stop, but I couldn't.

When I calmed down, and was cleaning myself up but still crying, the farmer texted me to go up the farm. Him and his family have kind of taken me under their wing. They're pretty much my only friends in the village, and Im fond of all of them - but we're not exactly close friends or anything. He wanted to talk to me on my own, to tell me that his wife is about to be diagnosed with
Possible trigger:
I dont understand how I stayed sane talking to him, trying to comfort him. But I did. But now Im just. I don't even know. Im numb, and in shock, and I can't believe everything thats happened today. How close I got to really doing it. I don't want to be here. I don't know how to go on. I literally have no one to talk to about what I did today. I don't understand why I can't just kill myself as I don't think there is a single bit of me that wants to go on. There must be a bit - because there was slightest sense of relief when I walked away from the place. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go on. I don't want to go on. I don't know how Im going to get through tomorrow, and saying goodbye to the dog. I don't know how Im going to function at work next week. I just want this to be over with. I cant go on like this.

Last edited by FooZe; Feb 28, 2016 at 12:50 AM. Reason: administrative edit to bring within guidelines
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  #2  
Old Feb 27, 2016, 07:40 PM
TrailRunner14's Avatar
TrailRunner14 TrailRunner14 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 4,457
Quote:
Originally Posted by CassyO View Post
This whole thread is going to be triggering on many levels- please don't read if you can't deal with being triggered right now.

I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

I've been smoking weed for twenty years - very very consciously because its the only thing that stops me wanting to kill myself. Nothing else has ever worked.

I started T 18 months ago, with one of my main goals being to give up. I had no idea when I started T that I was DIDishness, but it became clear that was the case real quickly. It began to make sense why I fell apart so badly when I wasn't stoned - why my head just started spinning and I had too many thoughts and opinions to the extent I couldn't function. Roll on 18 months, and for lots of different reasons I decided it was time to give up. I thought it would be different this time - now I know WHY I get like i do.

That was a few weeks ago, and all hell has broken loose since then. My head is out of control, and sui ideation has been growing daily. I've fired my T for no reason whatsoever and cut off the very few friends I had. Work has got better, but outside of work I have just been falling apart and basically stopped functioning altogether.

I was triggered a week ago when a colleague fell in to a psychosis and for a couple of days I was looking after him until he ended up in hospital. It turns out (we had no idea) he was a schizophrenic and had stopped taking his medication. This took me straight back to an incident when I was 17 (over twenty years ago).
Possible trigger:
He was 23 years old, and was a schizophrenic. She asked if I knew what that was and I said "no". My mum went on to say that schizophrenics hear voices, and they are very unhappy and lead very miserable lives, and this was probably the best thing for him. She was trying to make me feel better about what I had seen, and didn't know about my DIDishness. I took her comments personally. I thought she was talking about me. That day the bit of me that just wants to die 24/7 was born, and what happened at work last week brought it all back.

I was already off the scale losing it, but this sent me spinning.Today it all reached a head. I couldn't take it any more and decided enough was enough. I headed out the house to a place a few miles away. As I was leaving the farmers daughter told me their dog that I've been looking after and love very much is being PTS tomorrow morning. That nailed it.

In the end I sat there in the trees trying to work out what to do. My head was spinning. Part of me was just screaming to do it do it do it. Part of me was screaming scared. Time passed. I don't know how long. I hugged a tree. It was covered in the softest lichen - was really comforting. In the end I decided purely because of the child in the garden - I couldn't do it. I couldn't affect that child for the rest of his life, the way so many people in my life had thoughtlessly done to mine.

I hung around for a while. Part of me was so desperate to just do it. Anything to make this hell stop. But I didn't. I just got on the bus and went home.

When I got home I lost it completely
Possible trigger:
I was arguing with myself, begging myself to stop, but I couldn't.

When I calmed down, and was cleaning myself up but still crying, the farmer texted me to go up the farm. Him and his family have kind of taken me under their wing. They're pretty much my only friends in the village, and Im fond of all of them - but we're not exactly close friends or anything. He wanted to talk to me on my own, to tell me that his wife is about to be diagnosed with
Possible trigger:
I dont understand how I stayed sane talking to him, trying to comfort him. But I did. But now Im just. I don't even know. Im numb, and in shock, and I can't believe everything thats happened today. How close I got to really doing it. I don't want to be here. I don't know how to go on. I literally have no one to talk to about what I did today. I don't understand why I can't just kill myself as I don't think there is a single bit of me that wants to go on. There must be a bit - because there was slightest sense of relief when I walked away from the place. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go on. I don't want to go on. I don't know how Im going to get through tomorrow, and saying goodbye to the dog. I don't know how Im going to function at work next week. I just want this to be over with. I cant go on like this.

CassyO. I am praying for you!! So many things I want to say, but not able to put them into words. I love you and you have an amazing purpose here on this earth.

Please be strong. Know that my prayers are with you!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

"Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning

Last edited by FooZe; Feb 28, 2016 at 12:53 AM. Reason: administrative edit (to quote only)
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  #3  
Old Feb 27, 2016, 08:05 PM
Anonymous37827
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TrailRunner14 View Post
CassyO. I am praying for you!! So many things I want to say, but not able to put them into words. I love you and you have an amazing purpose here on this earth.

Please be strong. Know that my prayers are with you!!
Thank you TR - lots. Im going to try get some sleep now. Its nice to go to bed with your kind words in my mind x
  #4  
Old Feb 27, 2016, 08:10 PM
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TrailRunner14 TrailRunner14 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 4,457
Quote:
Originally Posted by CassyO View Post
Thank you TR - lots. Im going to try get some sleep now. Its nice to go to bed with your kind words in my mind x

Much love and a warm hug! God is good, even when we don't understand his sovereignty.

Sleep well. Trigger thread- I need help

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

"Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning
  #5  
Old Feb 27, 2016, 11:27 PM
lucidity11 lucidity11 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2015
Location: new york
Posts: 286
Maybe meeting with your t will help give you time to sort things out. I thought I was going insane before I was diagnosed with DID. I was having panic attacks two to three times a week and I didn't know they panic attacks. Just thoughts I was losing my mind. I too was having thoughts of suicide. My biggest concern with suicide was regret. I didn't want to have regret in that moment between living and dying. I went to see a therapist. I also started taking antidepressant and anti anxiety medication. The medication helped to slow down my thoughts. It gave me time to really look at my life with out the repetitive thinking and feelings of pure panic. I decided to stay. I decided to accept life as a journey. I realized I didn't have to get anywhere but to just live. The medication helped. Once I decided to live and learned that I had parts, I began to realize that it was only two parts who wanted suicide and the others didn't think about it at all. So now if we get triggered and resort to thoughts of suicide we remind ourselves that that is not what the majority wants. It's not an option. We also stopped sh after breaking our hand. We decided that the body didn't deserve to suffer. And we are still very sorry about the broken hand. So maybe talking to your t could help right now.
  #6  
Old Feb 28, 2016, 03:00 PM
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TrailRunner14 TrailRunner14 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 4,457
Have you on my heart today. Hope you are having a better day!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

"Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning
  #7  
Old Apr 03, 2016, 05:58 AM
Anonymous37859
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Hi Casey.

I know you wrote this a while ago, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I'm sorry you feel this way.

I smoke weed, I have done for 3 years, and 2 years on and off prior to that. I smoke it now because it's the only thing that stops me from SH, it sends me to sleep without nightmares and it mellows me out when my PTSD is overwhelming. I know how hard it can be to rely on something, be it weed or SH because it's something in our control. Relying on something rather than someone means we won't be let down, it's like a safe guard, or a security blanket that you don't want to let go of.

And I agree with you, for whatever reason, be it clear or not, you're still here. Even though you've struggled you're still able to put yourself out there for other people which is something I would be proud of. When I was younger I tried to take my life more than once, and it was the fact I was unsuccessful that made me rethink my position on this planet. You helped your colleague because that's who you are, a kind, warm, caring person who has a big heart. You welcomed me on my first day here and made me feel welcomed. I should have thanked you before, and shown my appreciation, and I'm sorry it's taken me this long.

Have you gone back to your T? Or found a new one? I still smoke weed, and see a T and I imagine it's hard giving up both.
And lastly, I think shock is a normal reaction to being in the situation you were in. And I'm not surprised it triggered you. You have been through so much of your own, and going through those things is often what makes us the best person to turn to and talk to when other people need help and support, even if it's not good or healthy for us. I know nothing I've said can change how you feel, but you've been an incredible friend to your colleague, and you should be proud of yourself or at least give yourself some credit for the way in which you handled yourself with him. I'm sure he's grateful for everything you did, the same way I am grateful to you.

I'm sorry about your friends diagnosis I'm sending my love, support and best wishes for all of you. xxx
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  #8  
Old Apr 03, 2016, 10:52 AM
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amandalouise amandalouise is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,171
wow what a hard thing to go through. lets break this down to one step at a time...

suicidal and self harm...if you are in active suicide/self harm mode you will need to contact a treatment provider. this site usually doesnt allow members to deal with other members suicide/self harm. only you can prevent this and only a treatment provider in your location can really help you with this. all we can do here is tell you whether we have had the same problems and what we and our treatment providers did to help ourselves. when my alters were so out of control like you posted my treatment providers had me go inpatient until the inpatient treatment providers could get things back under control and they released me when they felt I was no longer a danger to myself and others through the actions of my alters.

the weed....I was on the other end of this. due to being DID I was unable to smoke weed and unable to be in the room with others when they smoked weed. it caused me a lot of problems medically and mentally due to being DID. but I can tell you withdrawing from it as a dissociative did cause me great amount of mental problems associated with my DID and other problem areas, which is typical when ever a person stops taking any drugs and alcohol (medicinal or not) withdrawal side effects is just standard. I had great treatment providers who helped with medications and other treatment options that made the withdrawing from the weed so much easier after I had tried it and was in the room while friends smoked it.

my suggestion here is to get back in touch with your treatment provider, find out if they will take you on as a client again or suggest another treatment provider that can help with your withdrawal from weed problems.

saying goodbye to your neighbor\friend that died of cancer...one good thing about having DID is that whether we know it or not there is always someone inside who deals with things we can not handle. thats what DID is. its a mental disorder where a very young child (my locations demographics\statistics state under the age of 5) brain has created alternate personalities to deal with anything the young child can not handle. these alters created before the age of 5 are there for that DID persons whole life time until they have been integrated back together to form one whole person again. death is a normal part of life that even very young children go through because of knowing a relative or friend or a pet or even dealing with the topic because its part of movies, tv shows, books,...

my point is that somewhere inside a person with DID there is usually an alter that deals with this kind of thing.

my suggestion is to just breath and relax and if it turns out that you have DID you can rest assured that when the time comes which ever alter who's job it is to deal with death issues will do so. just the nature of the disorder.

and a last suggestion ....if you havent already done so maybe go through the actual diagnostic evaluations. once you get the actual diagnosis that opens the door for more treatment options that may help you with all this that you have posted.
  #9  
Old Apr 03, 2016, 01:49 PM
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Shaly78 Shaly78 is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2015
Location: philadelphia
Posts: 675
Don't be afraid to reach out to your resources suicide prevention hotlines are all on this website.....Your not alone and any kind words from us can mean the world and be helpful.....Unless your in the exact same predicament with the co worker, unless he is a significant other or partner then try to take those words and use then to elevate yourself knowing that isn't you or know one else inside. Pull out the positive some people make wildy gross statements based on here say or something in the media , I like to think there is stigma with everything....People can be very hurtful try if you can use that as a moment to rise above the top show up those words by your co worker do your job , no matter how much they try to trap you, you got to have confidence enough to not be that...That is why is always best to say less as possible about what your personally struggling with so that it isn't talked through or someone else used to be directed at you....Stop thinking you have to woo everyone or be negative or critique just be whatever the situation dictates just focus on your employment as best you can. There can only be some much training it isn't a disorder of quietness, don't allow anyone to over care take, nor allow anyone to perpetuate the multitaskers to ridicule or to feel less alone it is very scary for people and not a follow me do as me type thing we need singletons to escape the scariness else why would we split.. .......Too many irons in the fire can cause way too much inside to explode or flood and that isn't good either....If you have to get out then get out, don't take it too hard, don't worry about the ones that wanna be busy or feel they can do the work better, there has to be teamwork. Perfecting takes practice, then perfecting doesn't have to be every since of the word, just be yourselves and find what works best be patience cause it surely takes time. Be exceeding apologetic, positive to others openly cause it ultimately helps you as well. Hopefully micromanagers are a thing of past for most jobs....There a reason the research says what it say, the fear of being found out can really cause a whole host of problems! It is easy for a singleton to say get over it, also not fair.
  #10  
Old Apr 04, 2016, 03:39 PM
Anonymous37827
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Thanks guys, for the responses.

Im struggling - looking back on this day. It feels still very raw, and shocking - But at the same time its so foggy - its hard to believe it actually happened.

I've tried really hard to get back on top. Im functioning I guess ok. But inside Im really shaken by what happened. By what I almost did.

You guys responding now - its made such a big difference. THANK YOU. Im sorry Im not replying to each of you properly. Theres plenty I want to say but this is so hard and I can't think to get my words out.

Anglo - I can't begin to tell you how much your response meant to me. Im crying again now re-reading it. You said so much that I really needed to hear.

To bring you up to date- I have seen T twice since that day. Things are difficult between us at the moment, and everything in me wants to just give up, but I know I need help and so Im trying to persevere.
Thanks for this!
amandalouise
  #11  
Old Apr 07, 2016, 06:04 PM
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Mookster Mookster is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: In Darkness
Posts: 74
Cassy, I hope things are getting better for you, please let us know your still here and how things are going.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to post the other day tho we had enough time to send you a message.
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