[lucidity11]

I saw my t today. I was going to tell her I was going to take a break but I didn't. I remember going and waiting in the waiting room. I went into her office and I sort of don't remember much of that, than we talked about somethings I have said to her in the past, than we talked about interjects and how I think that is an incorrect description of the part. As I sit here now I don't remember much else. I cursed during session. Not in a mean way just while talking. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I think we decided not to work on trauma issues but I don't know. I really have a hard time remembering sessions. I don't have a cohesive perception of what I do in therapy. It's like once I leave her office I go about my day without thinking about therapy. And when I actually stop to try to recall what happened I have a blank spot in my recall. How is therapy going to work when I can't remember what I talk about or what I should be working on. I have been seeing this t for a few years and it feels like I just started going. I am better than when I first started talking to her. I do have a better sense of my self as having parts and not being insane. So that is good. Because for a while I thought I was losing my mind. I was having panic attacks and suicidal. Now I understand a fair amount of my system and that they have thoughts and ideas. Other parts I sense but we don't talk. I thought not working would help me work on understand myself better but I have too much time to be in my head which is not good. It leads to feelings of anxiety, fear and wanting to leave life. I start to not see a value to my existence and that confuses me. Is existence enough? I don't know. I think it goes back to my emotions. Most often I feel anxiety. I want to find the calm. I have almost forgotten what that feels like. I think I am talking about being centered. Maybe I have intellectual knowledge of my existence but no emotional knowledge of my existence. So I am here, now what? Not sorry for the long post. This is the **** I think about when I am alone and in my head.

[elevatedsoul]

memory sucks...
i dont even know how much time i spend with her
i think its suposed to be 45 minutes right...
would think some how be able to remember a tleast a couple minutes worth...

make me feel like im just not trying hard enough... ?
i think we shouldnt take breaks like that when e feel like it... maybe thats when we need to be there most..?

things are weird....

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

memory sucks...
i dont even know how much time i spend with her
i think its suposed to be 45 minutes right...
would think some how be able to remember a tleast a couple minutes worth...

make me feel like im just not trying hard enough... ?
i think we shouldnt take breaks like that when e feel like it... maybe thats when we need to be there most..?

things are weird....

What I find interesting is that I am better for going to therapy. I know it has helped me to sort things out but I couldn't tell you how that happened because without prompting I don't remember most of my sessions. Maybe you are right about not taking the break. Maybe that's the time you need to be talking with someone. But who knows.

[just2b]

I think the same. Was going to school and just dropped out. Now more time to be alone in my head. I can't remember sessions either. The last week's have been like this. T says I email her and text things but I don't know what she is talking about as email and texts get deleted. I been thinking also of calling it quits with therapy, but really she has helped and I know I need her help. I often feel bad that I am not present for therapy and feel that is why I should leave. Also I fear she will tell me "your burning me out" and tell me it's over, as I had a T do that to me, just prior to her. I can't help but think I am too much for her...but try hard to keep that part a far distance from the front.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Yeah it gets blurry. My T that I have now is real good at prompting me..by which I mean she will ask me a question to start and I eventually came to realize that she will spends weeks to a month + overlapping by prompting the same or similar question! At first when I realized it, I got weird and stopped talking and just sat there kinda pist. She asked what was wrong? I said you're playing mind games and I don't appreciate it. I don't like being f***ed with! She was very sincere and kind and explained...that, she was not trying to trick me or mess with my head, it's a memory exercise. To both try to up my recall skills and to be able to gauge where I'm at from week to week. She said that she doesn't like using "jogging prompts"..ie..remember last week we were talking about_____?..bc she feels they come off condescending..I thought about it and yeah I have rolled my eyes at past Ts who would do that.. She promised me that she will periodically remind me of this and let me know how I have been doing with it...if I want to know..thats,the other promise is that she wold always openly tell me in next session if anything that was outta character happened..and was that something I wanted to know? I really really like my T. I've had so many that were just useless or were always hiding what they were writing or just being not upfront about their methods. I am confused enough without feeling like my T is keeping stuff from me too! This one is a keeper def.

[Blogjects]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I saw my t today. I was going to tell her I was going to take a break but I didn't. I remember going and waiting in the waiting room. I went into her office and I sort of don't remember much of that, than we talked about somethings I have said to her in the past, than we talked about interjects and how I think that is an incorrect description of the part. As I sit here now I don't remember much else. I cursed during session. Not in a mean way just while talking. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I think we decided not to work on trauma issues but I don't know. I really have a hard time remembering sessions. I don't have a cohesive perception of what I do in therapy. It's like once I leave her office I go about my day without thinking about therapy. And when I actually stop to try to recall what happened I have a blank spot in my recall. How is therapy going to work when I can't remember what I talk about or what I should be working on. I have been seeing this t for a few years and it feels like I just started going. I am better than when I first started talking to her. I do have a better sense of my self as having parts and not being insane. So that is good. Because for a while I thought I was losing my mind. I was having panic attacks and suicidal. Now I understand a fair amount of my system and that they have thoughts and ideas. Other parts I sense but we don't talk. I thought not working would help me work on understand myself better but I have too much time to be in my head which is not good. It leads to feelings of anxiety, fear and wanting to leave life. I start to not see a value to my existence and that confuses me. Is existence enough? I don't know. I think it goes back to my emotions. Most often I feel anxiety. I want to find the calm. I have almost forgotten what that feels like. I think I am talking about being centered. Maybe I have intellectual knowledge of my existence but no emotional knowledge of my existence. So I am here, now what? Not sorry for the long post. This is the **** I think about when I am alone and in my head.

we can't remember therapy very well either. We remember some, but it appears that over 10 years of therapy are lost from us. Well, not all of it but most of it. Too much to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
We can't remember whether or not we talked about certain memories before or we didn't.
We have panic & anxiety attacks as well. We take medication for that.
We got a new medicine for anxiety we weren't too happy to use a month ago, but it knocked off the anxiety with pretty much everything else with it.

[lucidity11]

When my t prompts me with an example of something I have said in the past sessions, it sometimes takes me a minute to find what she is talking about. It's like looking through a messy drawer. Sometimes I am not sure if she is mistaking me for another patient. But than it will slowly partially come back to me. I used to feel embarrassed but now I mostly just say "yeah ok" and move forward. It does bother me that I can't think of something unless reminded.

[kecanoe]

I also have a hard time remembering what happened in sessions. Sometimes I can remember if prompted. It is frustrating. T3, my brain spotting t asks me what happened after the last session every week, and I can answer that about half of the time. I am good at faking that I remember stuff, though, because I have been dissociating for a long time.