[kkrrhh]

I'm really sorry this is probably all just going to sound like ridiculous babbling, but I feel like I have to throw some of this out and, I don't know, see if anyone can relate to anything or something.

I've had what I've recognized as dissociation of different types in varying degrees at different times. I don't have DID, as I definitely don't have alters of any sort, and I've never had actual fugue states or anything like that.
I know I experience some mix of depersonalization and derealization, but it feels like more than that. For lack of better way to put it, it seems like it's more than just some dp/dr alone that some people describe getting as a symptom from anxiety/depression, but not quite full-blown dissociation of the more "severe" type. I'm guessing if I ever really got into this part of my mental illness with a psych they might label it dissociative disorder NOS?

I've never lost time in the sense of blacking out or literally not remembering anything, though I do go through spells where time just passes me by and I can't believe how quickly, and my memory of the passed time might not be the greatest. Part of this is just that I'm kind of out of it and I think my brain is sort of fuzzy or zoned out so it doesn't really "record" much of what's going on to remember well later. It shocks me sometimes, though.

I have a rocky, unstable view of reality, but not in an actual psychotic type of way like that probably sounds...I don't know how to explain it. The way I see things, the world, and myself, are different all the time, and lately I can feel it switch more often throughout the day. My self image just changes around in weird ways.
It affects the age I feel a lot, too. I'll find some days I'll be out in the world kind of viewing things as I would've when I was a younger kid (I'm 23), like I'll feel out of place walking around a store alone, or when I talk to someone 30+ I'll relate to them the way I did when I was a kid, kinda almost looking at them as much older than me or as an authority...whereas other days, I feel more on an equal level to them, just like 2 equal adults talking, and actually feel "adult." The same kinda thing goes on with my family and how I relate to them at different times. It also happens at work, where some days I feel like an equal to my coworkers/boss and other days I just see things as if I am a young kid out of place amongst them all, despite having coworkers around my age. I get that just by hearing my explanation that might sound like something anyone around my age could go through, but it's just different and more distinct for me, and another thing where you'd just have to be in my head to see what I mean.

I used to have times where I could see how I'm seeing/perceiving things at that time and think, "oh, I kinda feel/am seeing things right now the way I did around June 2014 (for example)" and I didn't quite know why. Almost like, I'm physically here in this day, but am suddenly thinking/seeing with a mind that is exactly how it was, I don't know, January 2011, and it's a weird feeling.

Sometimes my literal visual view of the world is different (and this is one way where I probably overthink it too much when it's nothing big) in ways that I can kinda point out but can't entirely explain. Back when I spent a long time really depressed, with a lot of my derealization, things would look dim and lighting everywhere looked yellow. Lately my peripheral view has just been weird, and things look darker in it. I went through a few months at the beginning of the year where it was like I was seeing things from up higher (not the actual "seeing myself from above" type of thing some people get) and I guess the way I would explain it is, if my eyes were a camera, the focus on the sky or anything high was stronger than the rest. Other times, I think when I'm more grounded, my focus is actually closer to the ground and everything's pretty normal. I don't know why I notice it so much but some of these just make it weird to be out in the world and it drives me crazy.

There are just things that happen that I swear seem like they're just "more" than the dp/dr I hear people talk about, but it's hard to explain them to someone without the person actually being in my head. When it's bad, like it's been lately, I have a really bad sense of chronological time. When I think back on the day, I can remember things that happened at different times, but they do not seem to have gone in a smooth sequence or straight timeline from morning to night. It feels like it could've been a bunch of chunks from different days all put together, even though I know it was all the same day.

Lately I have a hard time imagining how I would act in a given situation. For example, usually if I sat here and imagined going to a friend's house in an hour, I could have a pretty clear image of me being there and being me and what it'd feel like. Right now, if I imagine that, it feels unpredictable. I have a hard time imagining it, it's almost like I don't know my own personality to predict how I'd even act. It makes planning things hard, it's like I have no actual indication of whether I'll get somewhere and feel too anxious, or whether I'll actually want to see a friend once I'm there or not.

One of the big ways the inconsistency messes with my life is how I make decisions differently at different times. I've always had trouble creating and keeping a consistent sort of plan for my life. I know part of it is just simple trouble with that explained by other things, including just a weak/inconsistent sense of self, but at times I can feel it being caused by dissociation. I'll decide there's something I want to do and stick with, then after a while I just don't...get it. It's not like when I want to do something at one time but then later depression makes me lose interest, it's not just general lack of motivation, it's like I just can't connect with the part of me that wanted to do it and literally can't feel or understand why it was important to me. Then sometimes, at a later time, whatever it was will come back and I'll suddenly remember why I wanted to do it and feel connected again.

When I get really anxious or tired, I get what I guess is depersonalization, but it's pretty bad. I'll feel completely not like myself and won't really know how to act or what to say. It's hard to get through because I feel afraid I've forgotten how to function socially and if I open my mouth I will sound absolutely crazy without realizing it.

I see how some of these could be symptoms from different things (I do have anxiety and depression) but I've just always felt like I've had a jumble of extra symptoms I can't really explain, and I don't know whether I'm just extremely overthinking and making them bigger than they are or what. I'm not even sure if this can all be related to dissociation or if I just started unrelated babbling once I got started. I'm sorry again and I'm absolutely certain I will feel ridiculous later when I read this unedited crazy jumble, but I guess I just wanna get some of this out. Typical depression or anxiety I can talk to a friend about and they might kind of get it, but then this is the type of stuff where I feel like I sound totally crazy or may as well be speaking a foreign language.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

I'm really sorry this is probably all just going to sound like ridiculous babbling, but I feel like I have to throw some of this out and, I don't know, see if anyone can relate to anything or something.

I've had what I've recognized as dissociation of different types in varying degrees at different times. I don't have DID, as I definitely don't have alters of any sort, and I've never had actual fugue states or anything like that.
I know I experience some mix of depersonalization and derealization, but it feels like more than that. For lack of better way to put it, it seems like it's more than just some dp/dr alone that some people describe getting as a symptom from anxiety/depression, but not quite full-blown dissociation of the more "severe" type. I'm guessing if I ever really got into this part of my mental illness with a psych they might label it dissociative disorder NOS?

I've never lost time in the sense of blacking out or literally not remembering anything, though I do go through spells where time just passes me by and I can't believe how quickly, and my memory of the passed time might not be the greatest. Part of this is just that I'm kind of out of it and I think my brain is sort of fuzzy or zoned out so it doesn't really "record" much of what's going on to remember well later. It shocks me sometimes, though.

I have a rocky, unstable view of reality, but not in an actual psychotic type of way like that probably sounds...I don't know how to explain it. The way I see things, the world, and myself, are different all the time, and lately I can feel it switch more often throughout the day. My self image just changes around in weird ways.
It affects the age I feel a lot, too. I'll find some days I'll be out in the world kind of viewing things as I would've when I was a younger kid (I'm 23), like I'll feel out of place walking around a store alone, or when I talk to someone 30+ I'll relate to them the way I did when I was a kid, kinda almost looking at them as much older than me or as an authority...whereas other days, I feel more on an equal level to them, just like 2 equal adults talking, and actually feel "adult." The same kinda thing goes on with my family and how I relate to them at different times. It also happens at work, where some days I feel like an equal to my coworkers/boss and other days I just see things as if I am a young kid out of place amongst them all, despite having coworkers around my age. I get that just by hearing my explanation that might sound like something anyone around my age could go through, but it's just different and more distinct for me, and another thing where you'd just have to be in my head to see what I mean.

I used to have times where I could see how I'm seeing/perceiving things at that time and think, "oh, I kinda feel/am seeing things right now the way I did around June 2014 (for example)" and I didn't quite know why. Almost like, I'm physically here in this day, but am suddenly thinking/seeing with a mind that is exactly how it was, I don't know, January 2011, and it's a weird feeling.

Sometimes my literal visual view of the world is different (and this is one way where I probably overthink it too much when it's nothing big) in ways that I can kinda point out but can't entirely explain. Back when I spent a long time really depressed, with a lot of my derealization, things would look dim and lighting everywhere looked yellow. Lately my peripheral view has just been weird, and things look darker in it. I went through a few months at the beginning of the year where it was like I was seeing things from up higher (not the actual "seeing myself from above" type of thing some people get) and I guess the way I would explain it is, if my eyes were a camera, the focus on the sky or anything high was stronger than the rest. Other times, I think when I'm more grounded, my focus is actually closer to the ground and everything's pretty normal. I don't know why I notice it so much but some of these just make it weird to be out in the world and it drives me crazy.

There are just things that happen that I swear seem like they're just "more" than the dp/dr I hear people talk about, but it's hard to explain them to someone without the person actually being in my head. When it's bad, like it's been lately, I have a really bad sense of chronological time. When I think back on the day, I can remember things that happened at different times, but they do not seem to have gone in a smooth sequence or straight timeline from morning to night. It feels like it could've been a bunch of chunks from different days all put together, even though I know it was all the same day.

Lately I have a hard time imagining how I would act in a given situation. For example, usually if I sat here and imagined going to a friend's house in an hour, I could have a pretty clear image of me being there and being me and what it'd feel like. Right now, if I imagine that, it feels unpredictable. I have a hard time imagining it, it's almost like I don't know my own personality to predict how I'd even act. It makes planning things hard, it's like I have no actual indication of whether I'll get somewhere and feel too anxious, or whether I'll actually want to see a friend once I'm there or not.

One of the big ways the inconsistency messes with my life is how I make decisions differently at different times. I've always had trouble creating and keeping a consistent sort of plan for my life. I know part of it is just simple trouble with that explained by other things, including just a weak/inconsistent sense of self, but at times I can feel it being caused by dissociation. I'll decide there's something I want to do and stick with, then after a while I just don't...get it. It's not like when I want to do something at one time but then later depression makes me lose interest, it's not just general lack of motivation, it's like I just can't connect with the part of me that wanted to do it and literally can't feel or understand why it was important to me. Then sometimes, at a later time, whatever it was will come back and I'll suddenly remember why I wanted to do it and feel connected again.

When I get really anxious or tired, I get what I guess is depersonalization, but it's pretty bad. I'll feel completely not like myself and won't really know how to act or what to say. It's hard to get through because I feel afraid I've forgotten how to function socially and if I open my mouth I will sound absolutely crazy without realizing it.

I see how some of these could be symptoms from different things (I do have anxiety and depression) but I've just always felt like I've had a jumble of extra symptoms I can't really explain, and I don't know whether I'm just extremely overthinking and making them bigger than they are or what. I'm not even sure if this can all be related to dissociation or if I just started unrelated babbling once I got started. I'm sorry again and I'm absolutely certain I will feel ridiculous later when I read this unedited crazy jumble, but I guess I just wanna get some of this out. Typical depression or anxiety I can talk to a friend about and they might kind of get it, but then this is the type of stuff where I feel like I sound totally crazy or may as well be speaking a foreign language.

welcome...

no if you went to a treatment provider today you would not get a diagnosis of DDNOS.... you see america has changed over to a new diagnosis labeling system. the name DDNOS is no longer used. we have some new dissociative disorder labels for this now that better explains the problems/symptoms and better treatment options to go with them..you can read what diagnosis labels we now have here in america for dissociative disorders and what they are in the links at the bottom of my posts.

please dont take them as a definitive diagnosis. this is just a list from the diagnostic book treatment providers in america now use, of diagnosis labels and what they are. for actual diagnosis you will need to contact a mental health treatment provider in your own location.

to get a mental health treatment provider who can diagnose what the problems are called in you and what treatment plans you should be on, you will need to contact your insurance company (its now federal law that all american's must have either private or state health insurance), yes you can pay out of your own pocket should you choose not to have your health insurance pay for it.

we cant diagnose you here, what we can tell you is that what you posted can be any normal, mental or physical health problems. the best thing to do when trying to figure out if you have a dissociative disorder or any other mental disorder is to contact a mental health treatment provider.

I can also tell you, that you are not the only one who goes through what you posted. there are many here that have the same problems...

again welcome.