[aloneinmusic]

I don't think I'm real anymore tbh.
And occasionally I get thoughts where I want to see if I can fly by walking out my bedroom window.

I can recognise they're not rational so I don't believe this is a 'delusion' and I don't think I'll go through with them but I am desperately curious.

I just feel like I'm never really in the here and now like I'm trapped behind an invisible and slightly numbing wall. I'm so detached I just spend all my time questioning existence and reality and watching as we humans destroy ourselves, and thinking, "I can't possibly be one of those weird looking creatures, can I?".

It also kind of feeds into my anorexia as well because I believe I don't need to eat as much to survive and feeling empty and cold from starving myself is a far more enjoyable feeling than being warm and full of life. Which makes me feel my anorexia is something I want to hold onto, but then also makes me feel more like a ghost and less real, so these two things are feeding into each other and both making my ability to function practically naught.

I've never really talked to a medical professional about this because the last time I had a counsellor I was 17 nearly 18 (I'm now 20) and these feelings had only just begun to develop so they were manageable at the time.

But I've refused to get myself support over the last couple years because I don't feel like I need help or am worthy of help, so I guess everything has spiraled a bit.

[blackrainbow]

everyone needs help sometime and you are worthy of help
and no i dont know you but im still saying it you are worthy
of help
i can understand wanting to hold on the your anorexia but
it and feeling not real dont let you function really
if you allowed yourself to get some support things might
start getting more under control you might start feeling
better more real

[L.P.]

im sorry you gotta be feelin that way. sometimes i feel invisible like them people cretures they seein right on thru me. i think sometimes to how you sayin bout how them people cretures they be destroyin everything and each other n i sure cant be one of them things can i? them peole things make me sad lots of the times.

i hoppe for you you can get feelin better and i know its sure hard when things get fallin n crashin down all around. but you here n you talkin n thats real good. i think thats brave and i sure hope you do somethin nice for you today for bein brave. i know iits hard to eat to but i hope you can make yourself do that to. maybe somethin little so its not so bad to try to eat that down. i know when we aint been eatin (i got d.i.d. so its more then me in my body thats how come im sayin we) lots we gotta go small n slow or its real hard to make that food eatin happen. just blah sometimes huh. but you know what? i know you deservin foods.

i hope you feelin better real soon

Nikki

[amandalouise]

something that jumps out at me in your post....

you recognize the thought it irrational so you dont think its delusional.... in my location delusions are irrational thoughts it doesnt matter whether one recognizes the fact that they are irrational or not. some people with psychosis / delusions can tell the difference. those that can actually heal faster from having psychosis/ delusions then others that can not, because they dont have to learn about the reality vs unreal and other tools taught to those who can not recognize when their thoughts are irrational.

another thing that jumps out at me in your post is you mentioned you have anorexia, sometimes eating disorders, not eating enough can cause psychosis/ delusions/ hallucinations very similar to dissociation like feeling like a ghost, wanting to be a ghost, and feeling euphoria (numbness, disconnection kinds of things that are similar to dissociation but a bit different too.)

not sure about your location but one thing you might not know about dissociative problems is that here in america things like having irrational thoughts of being a ghost/ non existant, eating disorders and other mental problems actually rule out the problem being a dissociative one. this is a good thing because if the dissociation like problems are because of other physical and mental health problems its easier to treat...

for example getting on a good medical doctor approved diet will help you to maintain a healthy weight and stop the eating disorder dissociative/ psychosis/ delusions like problems.

another thing you may not be aware of and may or may not be different in your location.... in my location the diagnostic criteria of possession for dissociative disorders, does not mean ghost like, spirits and such, its a cultural description that for example native american's use for dissociative symptoms. rather than saying the alter rainy took control native americans may say Rainy was in possession of the body during the rain storm.

suggestion you might want to contact a treatment provider so that they can help get the correct diagnosis for you and treatment that will help you to feel better.