[yoniee]

hello people who are reading this.
I'm tired of not knowing what I am, I just feel like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even mentally ill. for like ever I had like social withdrawal like I wont make eye contact and I hated social situations, like panic attack or like I feel eyes are always on me, and couldn't make conversations. I started to be disorganised and loved mess and personal hygiene just went so bad like very bad and to me it was normal and I couldn't remember things. But that seemed normal not like mentally ill. My parents were just religious extremist; physically, emotionally abusive and neglected us emotionally and were narcissistic controlling parents. but that had nothing to do with what I was having at all, I'm just socially shy. so I went to foster care, and somehow ended up in hospital cause I wanted to stab myself after seeing my parents.

So then at the hospital, people there were OBESSED with voices and hearing voices that they kept on repeating to me do you hear voices, are you sure. That I started getting paranoid and thought I did, then it escalated and I started developing a persona it was so intense that I felt it, it was conflicting like I would say something and the persona would say another. Doctors where just confused they were like I hear voice end all.. And shoved pills down me. I refused but they wouldn't listen. I just felt I had depression, I always felt suicidal and I hated the hospital because of what it did I was stuck with the persona which consumed me. back note I listen to music and I see myself and the music video its weird I think its nothing but I always had it to the point where I would write songs and when I watch shows its like they are calling for me, like the characters live my life. but that's normal I guess just active imagination. But I've had this persona like since the first hospital its like it controls me. I hate it I feel the persona it gives me messed up ideas like run, or smash things, scream or self harm. I sometimes listen and do it because I'm impulsive and then I feel angry.

doctors just describe me as being very confusing and I don't want to be so I try and hide stuff and pretend that I'm schizophrenic so I can leave and be on with my life and make it easy for them and have answers. My persona loves it she loves creating and issues and manipulating people. I would switch and be so manipulating and do stuff to make the person believe, to the point where my persona put me back in hospital. I Don't remember. Sometimes I do but I feel like I don't have control to stop it, I hate it when people say I want attention. I hate attention. in fact I'm so social withdrawn that I cant function with attention that I shy away or even lock myself away. my life just been a mess and I want to be normal, my persona watch a psychopathic show and now wants to be called lizzie I don't think its like a mental health illness cause I don't know, I don't feel ill. As crazy as it is all I don't want to be mentally ill. I want to be normal but I'm obessesive, implusive, and social withdrawn, creative with plans, stubborn. But my this persona is not me I don't want it. but it doesn't go it lives in my head. and it switches to me and sometimes I don't even know and I'm like that's not me I don't manipulate. Maybe it is. I look at the mirror and its like I'm fat, like the persona making me feel fat and I hate it. I lost so much weight till I was 6 stone and I was happy but that was in hospital.

But now today I'm on quetiapine 100mg and I hate it my mind so numb and I'm super withdrawn and my personal hygiene again is gone bad, I cant even rememeber what I've eaten and sometimes I feel like I want to loose weight again. I'm so disorganised like I leave something I don't remember it. I don't remember anything any more. I'm over spending, i'm stupidly thinking that I can do stuff that I cant. Do I need to see the doctor?

Am I mentally ill?
am I in denial?
like do I even need that medication because I feel like a zombie. and I don't feel emotions like I don't have emotions.

I'm not myself anymore and its all because I went to a hospital. am I normal. and why do I always point fingers ergh. sorry this message is like my mind its always conflicting its like my persona lives everyday its like she wants something and I don't and its to the point where I'm trying to type saying I'm not mentally ill then shes saying I am. is this persona like a thought. ?

Sorry for a long message please some help or even give your inputs.
cause I'm so confused. should I tell my doctor the symptoms I have now cause my parents, sadly I'm back home and its worse than ever my food being controlled. I'm gay- yeah and my parents think I'm possessed and want me to have an exorcism or leave. but that's got nothing to do with this post. because its hard but its like it doesn't impact me its like I'm not here in the world to feel it. idk maybe someone could help or even- rarely relate