Just utterly frustrated.

Every moment is a trigger to the next moment trigger...frustrated at the fact that our existence is based on uncontrollable reactions to any trigger which off tracks sanity.

Even our dreams are frustrating....much like the sneeze that doesn't quite happens, but goes on for hours of "almost" that it gets so annoyingly frustrating that sleeping is impossible. When we do try to get back to sleep, the frustrating scenarios plays over and over again that sleep is deprived.

Emotions are frustrating because they are individualized and just happen, especially like the Angry One with our teenage son who walks around here like he runs things and does nothing but wreck things, makes messes, leaves clothes laying everywhere, gone for nights or days, thinking I owe him??? Then the Angry One erupts and all you can do is watch as he runs the mouth, mind, body till he's done, causing damage and destruction....there goes that effort of trying to get along. Sabotaged. Frustrating. (This set me off last night...now I'm ranting).

It's frustrating to feel that you are just a part of a thousand parts often times without any life control. It's frustrating not having any control of life as a singleton, but to feel like being pushed around like a silver ball in a pinball machine from trigger to trigger.

It's frustrating to feel detached from life....like watching from a backseat, disconnected, as a constant state of dp/dr is the norm that exists in waves increasing and decreasing at times which seems to be getting worse as the years go by.

It's frustrating to be able to see all this and yet not be able to do anything about it. It's frustrating to see exactly how ill our mentally ill condition is from behind the scenes....backstage if you will watching the switching knowing how, why, and when. It's frustrating to know any moment that everything just wrote can be deleted at the whim of the next Other wondering why we wrote this because they deem this silly, untrue, and embarrassing.

I complain when frustrated because I can feel the stress on my heart and not have any control over it. I can see all the pieces and parts that make up our life- the why, how, when, where, who....even composing one can feel the mind is jumping from part to part leaving words out...

I'm frustrated at being frustrated.

I'm Frustrated.

[Skeezyks]

[TrailRunner14]

(((Hug))) friend.

I understand.

Forgive me, but a part of me is envious that you feel the frustration. When I feel that way, I am just numb.

My 12yo came forward a couple of weeks ago and I witnessed anger and words I would never say, much less scream them in someone's face. That would be my husband.

Maybe the numbing is beginning to wear off.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

(((Hug))) friend.

I understand.

Forgive me, but a part of me is envious that you feel the frustration. When I feel that way, I am just numb.

My 12yo came forward a couple of weeks ago and I witnessed anger and words I would never say, much less scream them in someone's face. That would be my husband.

Maybe the numbing is beginning to wear off.

Ya...sorry thanks. I don't know how, but our emotional states are parted. Frustration is her own thing. Were like...idk...influence-affect-rub off-group feel each other?

It's like our differing parts observe reality and when they are triggered...they express their special own version of how to live and experience the moment. It actually puts the crazy in our crazee. We are envious of you....we spend lots of money to feel numb....drugs, alcohol, gambling.....

I wonder what a lobatomy costs now a days....