today started with an explosive phone call with a computer company.

they are trying to charge me for a service I didn't even use

and I rang them and said... you sent me a letter charging me this money for your service, i've never even heard of you- and they launched in to this crap
about how because the letter's at my address, I have to pay for it.

they go are you rachel?. and i'm like no, my name's emily, and they are like.. well, cool, then rachel's lucky- you're paying her bill

anyway, I got right in their face.. who the ****'s rachel, and who the **** are you.

I don't have the ****ing money, so you're not getting it anyway and slammed down the phone

later I got some threats from my family (but I don't want to talk about those)

and i'm now just sitting here writing this post, because I lead such an interesting existence.

[Solnutty]

Possible trigger:

Found out my mom is entering hospice care today. I can't identify any feelings about it, just numbness. The rest of me all have all sorts of feelings and opinions. I've had a good couple weeks and this is like a dark cloud on the horizon. I know I should do something to support my insiders but the numbness is where I have to stay at least for now.

mental health worker showed up (surprised)

had nothing to say to me though, and in general seemed not too pleased about seeing me.

said she'd made no progress with her current goals, making me feel pretty hopeless.

pretty low mood in general though. finding it difficult to cope and be positive

[Samantha+9]

I'm dealing with multiples disorders and hoping to find somebody that understands me and can help me deal with all my problems and my others i hope this can be a place to do that

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by Samantha+9

I'm dealing with multiples disorders and hoping to find somebody that understands me and can help me deal with all my problems and my others i hope this can be a place to do that

I have found that here. I think you will, too.

[Claritytoo]

So I just found someone I knew years ago on FB. So I read that they were now 60 years old and I was at a loss. At first I couldn't figure out how they could be 60 and that it must be a mistake. After quite a long time I remembered "hell I'm 60". That's why their 60. It kind of blew my mind.

[Solnutty]

I had the most awful bad dream. I need to believe it's a dream and not part of a memory. And I need to let it go and not think about it.

Originally Posted by Samantha+9

I'm dealing with multiples disorders and hoping to find somebody that understands me and can help me deal with all my problems and my others i hope this can be a place to do that

hi.

welcome to the forum.

hope you find it useful!

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

So I just found someone I knew years ago on FB. So I read that they were now 60 years old and I was at a loss. At first I couldn't figure out how they could be 60 and that it must be a mistake. After quite a long time I remembered "hell I'm 60". That's why their 60. It kind of blew my mind.

that's stressful

I've dealt with that (not on FB, but online somewhere else)

I met someone on their who I used to go to school with, and as a system we thought.. well do we tell him it's us, and what's happened to us, but we decided not too

and he never found out

we have been dealing with impending eviction from our current property (we can't aford to pay what they are asking for anymore)

so we have 4 weeks to attempt to find somewhere new

stressfull..

[Claritytoo]

I have to drive to NY from SC. I am having so much anxiety when I think about it I actually get light headed. I drove to SC from NY but was numb when I did it. I still only remember small moments of the drive. Now I am "better" and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. The drive is two weeks away and I am shaking just trying to get ready. I will be bringing my dog but right now that isn't helping me. It's like I can't hear anything else but a ringing in my ears. I can't drive like this. I can't breath

pretty depressing afternoon.

binging on chocolate and watching tv.

how.... productive

[Solnutty]

This is my last few days before my next graduate course begins. I hate the nervousness. I’m hoping I can do better at taking care of myself this time around.

kept having visions of my mother standing in the room with me

talking about death and how she'd finally succeeded in taking my life

and then after I spent hours wondering the room and realised she wasn't their I sat down and thought about all sorts of twisted weird science experiments my family would do on me if they had the chance

sometimes it's not enough

you ignore the contact, you distance yourself, but it still isn't enough.

it still messes with you

hmm should probably rest but can't

still feel pretty anxious after yesterday

[TrailRunner14]

*** This could possibly be triggering ***

I'm on my phone and can't put the trigger alert.

Just wanted to put that here.

My mom is having surgery tomorrow morning. She's having a surgery to remove her breast. They found a small cancerous rice sized spot.

Instead of having the spot removed, she chose the other option.

I don't really have words to say how I feel.

I called her to let her know that I would be there for her tomorrow, but she let me know that there were going to be several people there for her. I would probably have to look for a seat.

Ok.

Sad.

Alone.

I think I need to grieve this but I don't know how. I don't want to give up on my little one who has always wanted to feel loved and wanted.

What do I tell her to comfort her heart? What do I tell her that helps her understand and accept that the mom she has wanted and tried to be good enough for..... just isn't?

I don't even want to go and be there tomorrow. I really don't!!!

I'm remembering a Mothers Day, many years ago. I didn't call her and wish her a happy day. She called me and was very angry. Pissed actually. I felt bad. Guilty.

That is earned and not expected though.

Right?

Thank you for hearing me.

I really don't want to go tomorrow, but I guess I will.

That makes my heart sad.

I so wish it was different.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I called her to let her know that I would be there for her tomorrow, but she let me know that there were going to be several people there for her. I would probably have to look for a seat.

Can you possibly not go tomorrow? You don't want to be there and she has said she she will have other people there anyway. She has pretty much made it clear she has other people to support her. So be kind to you and don't put yourself through that stress. (If she gets angry you can always say she said she had others there and you would have to "look for a seat" so you thought it would be too stressful for her to have so many people there).

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I think I need to grieve this but I don't know how. I don't want to give up on my little one who has always wanted to feel loved and wanted.

You don't EVER have to give up on your little one who has always wanted that. You, trailrunner, big and little parts, are awesome. You are always caring, always kind, always considerate, always thoughtful of others above yourself. You bigs and littles have always been good enough.
It is your mother who wasn't.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

What do I tell her to comfort her heart? What do I tell her that helps her understand and accept that the mom she has wanted and tried to be good enough for..... just isn't?

You tell her you are so sorry she didn't get a good enough mother. tell her it was never ever her fault, not even once. She was born as beautiful and amazing and worthy as every other child on this earth. Tell her it was no fault of her own that she got a mother who couldn't.
Tell her that YOU will be there for her, not matter what, no matter when. That you will always have her back and be her champion and you will try to be the good enough mother that she never had. Tell her you will do your very best to protect her and love her and keep her safe from all harm even if you don't always get it right all the time you are going to try and be the person she always needed but never had.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I don't even want to go and be there tomorrow. I really don't!!!

Don't go. Be kind to you, be kind to little you.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I didn't call her and wish her a happy day. She called me and was very angry. Pissed actually. I felt bad. Guilty.

This happened to me a couple weeks ago. It was the mother's birthday. I did actually try to call but didn't get home from work until really late. I got home to a slew of abusive messages from the father on my answer service.
Some people unfortunately expect it rather than earn it.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I so wish it was different.

Yes.

Sending peace to you.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you Amyjay. Your words were a comfort to me today!!

I did go because I didn't think I could deal with the guilt if I didn't go. I saw her for a bit before the surgery and it was for the most part, uneventful.

Your words were kind and gave me courage.

[Amyjay]

Everything is drawing to its inexorable conclusion. It feels like everything is wedge shaped, with me being channeled in to the inescapable point. There is no where else to go. Work, home, family and therapy. Each of them is both intolerable and inescapable.
I don't want any of it.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Everything is drawing to its inexorable conclusion. It feels like everything is wedge shaped, with me being channeled in to the inescapable point. There is no where else to go. Work, home, family and therapy. Each of them is both intolerable and inescapable.
I don't want any of it.

I pray you find a place of peace and inner safety.

I don't have words without sounding cliquish, so I won't try.

(((Friend)))

[Amyjay]

I am really struggling today. I had to leave work because it was the best thing to do. I was triggered and switching and couldn't ground myself. When I got home I was on a very distressed roundabout of switching that involved SH. Since then I am calmer but very dissociated.
I am lost inside all this hurting. I can't find sleep or relief. I just want it to end. I'm done.