[L.P.]

I do not wish to offend anyone with this topic. I know that integration is not a goal for everyone out there. I suppose that is my trigger warning.

Brief summary of me and my system; we are grouped into clusters of individuals and generally have good co con within our own groups and not so much with other groups until two groups start to blend into one. When we start to group blend, there are generally what we call mesh ups. That being like small scale integration. We get, for example, two individuals who seem similar in one way, shape or form, who recognize similarities and that they are essentially the same person, and they go from being two to one. Oh, I have also considered getting a therapist to help me with this (despite my issues with them) but I am in a place where I simply cannot manage it due to finances. My two options where I live, I cannot afford. That is out for me.

That said, this time around feels very different to me. It feels as though we are headed towards complete mesh up/integration within this group, so instead of having maybe five of us left after the mesh ups are done, there might only be one left. Maybe. We do have one individual who is not on board with this type of integration and she is rather vocal about it. She wants to remain 'herself' and sees this as a loosing of individuality. We also have one other who we do not have co con with and she has not voiced anything about it one way or the other. Frankly, we have no idea where she is, what she is thinking, or if she is even still around. She 'vanished' about five months ago and we have not seen so much as a note from her (she is good about leaving notes letting us know she has been out and about). But beyond that, we are all pleased about this. I think.

I say, I think, because it seems that if we are all very much on board with this, then we would have more meshing and 'consolidating' then we have. Most days that I feel as though I am the one up front and center, I do not feel as though I am myself. I feel as though I am a combination of two but in a way that does not feel permanent. It is a mixing and blending that pulls back apart. Like integration that will not stick. I do not understand why this is happening. In the past when this sort of thing got to this point, the mesh up would stick.

I wonder if it is due to resistance from the one I know of or maybe resistance from someone in a group I lack co con with. I do not know. I wonder if I am having hang ups of my own I am unaware of. Or maybe this is normal where integration is concerned... to not have it happen all at once, but more like a slow easing into it. I am curious if anyone has experience with integrating and has experienced such things. Also, if there is any reading material about this, I would be interested in that. I have done some reading on this, but am always up for more.

Thank you if you got through this.

-some version/s of me

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by L.P.

I do not wish to offend anyone with this topic. I know that integration is not a goal for everyone out there. I suppose that is my trigger warning.

Brief summary of me and my system; we are grouped into clusters of individuals and generally have good co con within our own groups and not so much with other groups until two groups start to blend into one. When we start to group blend, there are generally what we call mesh ups. That being like small scale integration. We get, for example, two individuals who seem similar in one way, shape or form, who recognize similarities and that they are essentially the same person, and they go from being two to one. Oh, I have also considered getting a therapist to help me with this (despite my issues with them) but I am in a place where I simply cannot manage it due to finances. My two options where I live, I cannot afford. That is out for me.

That said, this time around feels very different to me. It feels as though we are headed towards complete mesh up/integration within this group, so instead of having maybe five of us left after the mesh ups are done, there might only be one left. Maybe. We do have one individual who is not on board with this type of integration and she is rather vocal about it. She wants to remain 'herself' and sees this as a loosing of individuality. We also have one other who we do not have co con with and she has not voiced anything about it one way or the other. Frankly, we have no idea where she is, what she is thinking, or if she is even still around. She 'vanished' about five months ago and we have not seen so much as a note from her (she is good about leaving notes letting us know she has been out and about). But beyond that, we are all pleased about this. I think.

I say, I think, because it seems that if we are all very much on board with this, then we would have more meshing and 'consolidating' then we have. Most days that I feel as though I am the one up front and center, I do not feel as though I am myself. I feel as though I am a combination of two but in a way that does not feel permanent. It is a mixing and blending that pulls back apart. Like integration that will not stick. I do not understand why this is happening. In the past when this sort of thing got to this point, the mesh up would stick.

I wonder if it is due to resistance from the one I know of or maybe resistance from someone in a group I lack co con with. I do not know. I wonder if I am having hang ups of my own I am unaware of. Or maybe this is normal where integration is concerned... to not have it happen all at once, but more like a slow easing into it. I am curious if anyone has experience with integrating and has experienced such things. Also, if there is any reading material about this, I would be interested in that. I have done some reading on this, but am always up for more.

Thank you if you got through this.

-some version/s of me

with my own integration I did not feel any different during it, did not know ahead of time it was happening. it was just a knowing...

going from not being able to express the emotion of sadness then one day something sad happened and I stopped what I was doing because I realized I now could feel sad. I now had all of rainys memories, emotions everything she was, was now me. it was that simple and painless. just a knowing.

the one time I did feel different and thought it might be integration, it turned out to be psychosis/ delusional thoughts based on my wanting integration to happen. but when it actually happened there was nothing different, just a knowing.

my suggestion is to try and find a treatment provider. according to the disclaimer at the bottom of the page we are not supposed to be a substitute for someone who may need mental health help. we cant diagnose or advise you on what you need to do, only a treatment provider off the computer can do that for you.

I see you are in the USA. there are many free and sliding fee based on income places to get help for this.... churches, crisis centers, and many mental health agencies have special programs where they can see someone for free or a small percentage of their income. my unemployed not on any income as of yet niece called around to mental health agencies and she found many that said to her yes come on in we can see you for X number or appointments for free or for a co pay of 3 dollars. Help is out there,, it just takes time to call around to find them. especially since obama care required americans to have health care insurance. (which by the way may be changing soon so you might want to get set up with someone as soon as possible)

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by L.P.

I do not wish to offend anyone with this topic. I know that integration is not a goal for everyone out there. I suppose that is my trigger warning.

Brief summary of me and my system; we are grouped into clusters of individuals and generally have good co con within our own groups and not so much with other groups until two groups start to blend into one. When we start to group blend, there are generally what we call mesh ups. That being like small scale integration. We get, for example, two individuals who seem similar in one way, shape or form, who recognize similarities and that they are essentially the same person, and they go from being two to one. Oh, I have also considered getting a therapist to help me with this (despite my issues with them) but I am in a place where I simply cannot manage it due to finances. My two options where I live, I cannot afford. That is out for me.

That said, this time around feels very different to me. It feels as though we are headed towards complete mesh up/integration within this group, so instead of having maybe five of us left after the mesh ups are done, there might only be one left. Maybe. We do have one individual who is not on board with this type of integration and she is rather vocal about it. She wants to remain 'herself' and sees this as a loosing of individuality. We also have one other who we do not have co con with and she has not voiced anything about it one way or the other. Frankly, we have no idea where she is, what she is thinking, or if she is even still around. She 'vanished' about five months ago and we have not seen so much as a note from her (she is good about leaving notes letting us know she has been out and about). But beyond that, we are all pleased about this. I think.

I say, I think, because it seems that if we are all very much on board with this, then we would have more meshing and 'consolidating' then we have. Most days that I feel as though I am the one up front and center, I do not feel as though I am myself. I feel as though I am a combination of two but in a way that does not feel permanent. It is a mixing and blending that pulls back apart. Like integration that will not stick. I do not understand why this is happening. In the past when this sort of thing got to this point, the mesh up would stick.

I wonder if it is due to resistance from the one I know of or maybe resistance from someone in a group I lack co con with. I do not know. I wonder if I am having hang ups of my own I am unaware of. Or maybe this is normal where integration is concerned... to not have it happen all at once, but more like a slow easing into it. I am curious if anyone has experience with integrating and has experienced such things. Also, if there is any reading material about this, I would be interested in that. I have done some reading on this, but am always up for more.

Thank you if you got through this.

-some version/s of me

For me, the parts that have integrated were a slow easing into it that you describe. I have only had a few do this, though. I wish I could tell you about what happened with a larger scale, but I'm not there. It's actually ok with me however it turns out.

But good for you for being able to be co-conscious and do integrative stuff on your own. That is huge.

[L.P.]

In regards to insurance and treatment talk... I did call other places but since I do have insurance, most places want me to go through it and I can't afford the deductible. I've got issues with religion, but I did find one church based organization who agreed to not put an emphasis on god and not use my insurance and charge me a flat rate of 20$ a visit, which is rough, but I could manage one appointment a month... but they said they do not have anyone on staff who could help me. They mostly do family stuff like couple's counseling. That stuff got me so irate I had to back up off it awhile. Self care and all. I already have issues with therapists and psych people, so it was hard enough to reach out, but to get slapped down like that over and over, it just set me off. My spouse said he would ask the psych dept. at his university if they knew of any places around to help me. So far nothing. We shall see.

Anyway, about not being able to, for example, feel sad and then one day being able to feel sad... things like that have been a part of my reality lately. I know that in the past I have not been able to feel, or recognize that I was feeling... feeling nothing is my comfortable default setting. I struggle with these things to this day. As this meshing up and pulling back goes on, I have been being flooded with different emotions during the mesh up times. I know this is a component of integration. It scares me, I guess. On the other hand, though, I guess if I become me and other parts of me, it won't seem so foreign and disturbing since it will be normal. It makes my head spin thinking how I am capable of feeling these feelings, and having it seem normal to me.. how I have to be because other sides of me can do it. At some point in this, the disconnect will be gone. So weird to me. For the most part, our mesh ups have been with similar parts who feel similar things. This is new stuff to me, different. I'm trying to wrap my head around feeling and just having it be a simple, painless, knowing. It sounds beautiful to me as well.

And yeah, I have only had a few do this as well. There are so many of us... it's not like this meshing up that is going on with me is... oh I dunno how to phrase it. While it's huge to me, it seems small in the bigger picture of me? It's also not easy for me to say thanks because it seems like I wasn't even the one who did the hard ground work for it. We had past hosts who did all the hard work on internal communication, memory/trauma stuff. I showed up one day and just seem to be able to benefit from their hard work, you know? My job in this has been different. I mean, I know it's all still me, but it's hard for me to connect to that right now. I have to wonder if in three years, some other version of me will look back on this and think that my contribution to the whole was being a part of some integrations that helped make us a bit more whole. It would be nice. I'd like to be able to contribute like that. Again, we shall see.