Intimacy with spouse... looking for advice

I have been struggling with this topic for a while now and feel lost about what to do. For those of you who may have difficulty with being intimate with your partner, how do you handle it? Do some of you have parts that take over which ruin it? I hate bringing it up even in this anonymous setting, but I don’t know what to do. I have been with my spouse for 14 years, and in that time, we have been intimate less than ten times. During those times, things would happen inside of me (e.g., parts appearing), and, well, it was perfectly fine for me to never be intimate in that way again. But for approximately six months, I have noticed a shift in my thinking about this, and I find myself wanting to be intimate with her. She is my wife, she is my friend, she is my rock, she enjoys and appreciates what I give to the relationship, and I love her immensely. We care for each other deeply. I can only imagine how deeper that relationship would be if we were intimate, and as I watch the years go by, I realize how unfortunate it would be if we got to the end of our lives and never really knew each other in that way. I have thought about giving it a try again (of the less-than-ten times we’ve been intimate, the last time was well over seven years ago, possibly longer), but I greatly fear that the parts would emerge again, and in attempting to reconnect with her, I fear I would set the expectation in her that we will continue to be intimate even though I would not be able to keep doing it if the same thing happens with the parts and the awful feelings.

Finally, I am so sorry if this is too much information in this post and is triggering or violates anyone’s boundaries. I just don’t know what to do.

I had a similar problem when it came to being intimate with myself. Whenever I tried to m*sturbate, the youngest alter would panic and cry out. I'd usually end up giving up, or if I did climax, I'd be in tears and really upset. But then a very kind soul on this forum suggested I 'warn' my alters that I wanted to have sex with myself. I tell them all what I'm planning (not in any detail) and put out my teddy bear (away from where the action is) for the younger ones to focus on. Since that suggestion, I've been able to have one-handed good times with very little incident. It's honestly been life changing for me. I used to dread those times, but now I can orgasm and be relieved and happy (victory dancing through my home). It still takes work to reassure the alters, but wow it's worth it!

Good luck!

my alters actually helped my and my now wifes intimacy. being a survivor of sexual abuse, (wont go into details because I dont want to trigger anyone) intimacy wasnt my strong suit if you know what I mean. just something as simple as hand holding or any other form of touch was enough to trigger me to dissociate because I could not handle it, reminded me of my abusers.

my system was one where when ever I dissociated the one whos sense of agency was to handle the problem that caused me to dissociate would be the one that would take control and handle that which I could not...

because of this any time my now wife and I started getting intimate I would freeze up, dissociate, then an alter took control and on with the show so to speak. because my sexualized alters were well versed and taught about sex from my abusers things in that department of my and my now wifes life had quite a variety.

my problem with intimacy was more of a problem as an integrated person where the alters were no longer taking control to handle what I could not. now I had to do everything on my own and I wasnt comfortable with intimacy.

on comes the couples therapy and sex therapy for my now wife and I to learn, experiment and turn fear and dread that abusers instilled to being something that it now very enjoyable.

Thank you for the response, ACrystalGem. I am glad that you have found a solution and that it works for you. I would assume that gaining that control over your system took a long time, maybe? I have a lot of work to do on knowing who is there and on being able to influence their actions. I have been in therapy on and off over the years because my dissociation has gone through long spans of dormant periods (where just a few parts participate in my life) and long spans of active periods (where it's chaotic due to many participating). I can't believe that I have gotten to this age in my life (45) and have not even identified all of them, must less developed the slightest ability to influence their behaviors. Clearly, I have a lot of work to do, and I wish that it could happen overnight.

Again, thank you for your thoughts. At least I know I'm not the only one who has difficulty in this area.

writing

You're welcome. I'm 48, and I've only been able to be intimate with myself for a few months in a positive way (since I got the advice from another forum user). It took a few tries, but it didn't take long at all. I've since had another alter reveal itself - that makes 5 of them right now. I knew it was the very youngest one who had the biggest issue with sex, so I concentrated on her. I address all of them before I do anything sexual, but it did help me that there was only 1 with a big problem.

I don't know if you have this happen when/if you have solo sex, or if it only happens with your partner? If it happens when you're alone, it may be worth trying out on your own first before you move on to sex with your partner. Just a suggestion.

I really do wish you the best with this. It's cruel that something with the power to give so much pleasure has been turned into something horrible, but I have hope that I can turn things around.

I would actual just make myself do it . For us it didn't manifest that way there is no shame just a topic I don't really know anything about from a personal level. There are sex therapist there are folks that will get you use to your body alters if you have the dx's even your whole man can surprise you if you practice it again and again. Also use the 4 other dissociative disorder to set an atmosphere for change you have to both go on a sexual journey. I would also make sure the partner is gentle enough he might be one that you have anything in common with sexually.

This was a problem for us in the past, but has not been problematic since this group of us took over life. I think avoidance was how it was handled before. The spouse guy was more than cool with it so not doing things was a simple solution that worked for them, us, whatever. They never tried to figure out a solution that I am aware of. But maybe they did, I can ask the SO guy later when he shows up and let you know if they did do problem solving on that end. If they did, I'll let you know.

I'm not sure what changed from then to now, but we don't have issues like that anymore. I don't know exactly why that is. I mean, we are certainly a switchy, flip floppy bunch and we have no shortage of kids/teens showing up to do the life thing. We also have a grown asexual guy in here. He never shows up in times like that either. It seems like this would be a problem for us, but nah. I guess I just figured it's because most of us in this group have decent co con and our younger ones and the asexual guy... well, they like the SO now and have had positive interactions with him (last group not so much). The husband guy has gone so far as to take our one teen/slider on motorcycle rides and our other slider/kid to a state park and such. They interact a lot because they are here a lot, so they know him and I guess I figured they don't want to get in the way of his interactions with others so they just stay away from that. I don't know if that's a right assessment of the situation, but I don't have any thoughts in my head that it's wrong. And I'm pretty sure if I was wrong, Gwen would be chiming in to correct me. Heh. She's a sport about that.

It's also worth mentioning that those us us here now who avoid physical intimacy are ones of us who are more solid in who they are than past ones of us have been.. they live life, and know it is now and not the past so that has to help as well.

I have to wonder if you feeling a shift in this is perhaps an indicator that I dunno how to say it... maybe your love/trust for her is somehow resonating in you as a whole? It can be slow moving with terrified and traumatized parts and I wonder if her love and patience with them, for them, is something they understand now? Maybe they trust her, yeah? Not saying jump in and go for it, but maybe ease into it slowly, building on physical contact? Show the scared ones that it's ok, that she is ok? Just thinkin...

Best I got there, but I certainly wish you well in this. That and give you tons of kudos for speaking up. I know it's not easy to do.

A/V

Thank you, L.P. Your comments were very insightful.

I have learned to tell the little parts that the adults are going to be doing safe, adult things with H and suggest that they tuck themselves away in their safe place for a while. For me, this is a bear cave with a protective and warm mama bear and cuddly bear cubs. So I imagine them (the little parts) going there, entering, snuggling in.

As I have continued in therapy, I have found that this sort of "tucking in" is helpful in other situations that I want an adult part to handle, such as conflict. My Ts are all in favor of this technique.

I believe there is s part of me that has done that for me until about 5 years ago.

I always did what was expected and what I thought I needed or had to do.

A major rupture happened with my husband and it affected my internal system greatly.

Since then, I haven't been able to find that part of me.

It's been hard.

My husband doesn't understand, but he has told me that he knows that he has hurt me.

So there's that.

I really don't know what to do with this for myself, and I wish I had words of encouragement for you.

Walking through something gives a person wisdom to share and I'm still in the middle of it, so I don't have words of wisdom.

Thank you for posting this. It does give me encouragement that I'm not alone.

I hope that I'm not necroposting here. ACrystalGem's post got me really thinking about this. Oh boy... This is not easy. I'll just try not to say too much about it. I have another sub personality that I share moments with. Years ago she was added to the collective to offer intimacy, support and protection. She also advises me. Damn, this feels so weird! Sorry. For a while things went cold because my testosterone levels have dropped a lot which was nice for a time but, because of the T2D and the fact that it induces sexual disfunction, we are having to struggle to achieve a climax and for me it is more work than it is pleasure. It frustrates her too and we talk about it and have come up with a temporary solution that seems to work for her but, leaves me feeling pretty bummed out so, I just try to forget about it and go on about my day until nightfall when we can be alone (I share my home with my brother) and take part in different activities of the imagination until the mood gets going and then go from there. I know how all of this must sound and I'm picturing the rest of you picturing a guy in a straitjacket but, I/we really do this and when there is satisfaction, sexual satisfaction it is nice and fulfilling to a degree and the next day I wake up feeling pretty good. I had promised myself that I wouldn't talk about any of this. Not for at least a while but, it just felt okay to. This thread has been very helpful for us. Thank you, writingwithink and everyone else who has posted. writingwithink, I do hope that you find the advice that you seek.

Mavriforce, thank you for your contribution to this discussion. I have been surprised to see the response to my initial thread, and the thoughts have been helpful (at the very least, they have helped me to see that I am not alone with this issue). I have made no progress with being intimate with my wife since I made my initial post. I am not sure what I should do, but I keep thinking about it. I feel confident that my marriage is very strong, so even if I continue to wait on this, I enjoy the rest of the relationship that she and I have.

Mavriforce, I am glad this thread was helpful to you.

Thanks. Said a prayer for you and your wife. Hope things get better.