[TrailRunner14]

I was curious if anyone had reached out and contacted past friends.

I’m trying to understand some fragments and a part of me remembered a friend that I had my teen years. I would like to contact her and ask her some questions, but I don’t know how.

That may sound stupid but I really don’t know what to say.

How much do I say?

We were really good friends and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding but I have absolutely no memory of it. She posted a picture of her wedding on FB and tagged me. There I was. No memory of it.

I don’t want to tell her that.

This is hard!

That's a toughie! I -sort- of can relate to the embarrassment of memory loss, not from a dissociative disorder but rather from ECT treatments.

You were good friends with this person, did she seem the type to be supportive of people with mental health issues? If so, she could be very helpful in filling the gap of memories that you had lost. If she is an understanding person, she should not be insulted that you don't remember her wedding because it wasn't your fault in any way.

You don't even need to go into details on the cause of your memory loss if you don't want, but rather a vague "I struggle with memory loss and had some questions I was hoping you could help me with" kind of thing.

last summer i got together with a friend from high school. i dont have many memories from then. she is actually a therapist now. so maybe that helped her be really understanding. she was not at all surprised to hear I have DID. she said she could kind of tell back then. she was able to fill in some missing events for me. it was really helpful.

[flockpride]

I had an experience at a high school reunion where people kept saying "hey remember when we...?" And every stinking time I was like "um, no." After a while I stopped answering and just nodded in the affirmative. This is one of the hardest things about having DID. Also, I lost a very close childhood friend after a visit abroad with her. It broke my heart. What happened was that she was reminded of how hard it was to be with me as a kid. Apparently, I switched a lot. She thought I kept changing my mind to "piss her off." I was able to explain to her the reality of parts. She said she wanted to rescue me from my parents house all the while we were kids. She said anyone else would have swallowed a fistful of pills. She said I am strong. Then she said she couldn't be around me anymore. Really I'm heart broken. She understood me more than anyone else in my life. Think long and hard about revealing yourself with old friends.

[Amyjay]

I have an old friend from way back when that I have contact with from time to time. I too struggle with not remembering things that she talks about. It hurts my friend that I don't remember things that happened. She feels like its because she wasn't "important enough to remember". It just confuses me. I know why I don't remember (because I had did - duh!) but it still amazes me that this really is a thing. I guess I don't remember what I don't remember so I am unaware of the extent of my own amnesia.
I can't say if it will be good for you to contact your friend or not, but it might help validate your amnesia or help you make sense of the fragments. It is a pretty big thing to not remember being a bridesmaid at her wedding. Most people would remember something like that (very nearly all people, I would say). I don't remember some things like that too. Its as though they didn't happen at all. So when someone else talks about them and I trust they are telling the truth but I really don't remember anything about it at all it helps me realize that... there is this thing going on with me and it is real.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I was curious if anyone had reached out and contacted past friends.

I’m trying to understand some fragments and a part of me remembered a friend that I had my teen years. I would like to contact her and ask her some questions, but I don’t know how.

That may sound stupid but I really don’t know what to say.

How much do I say?

We were really good friends and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding but I have absolutely no memory of it. She posted a picture of her wedding on FB and tagged me. There I was. No memory of it.

I don’t want to tell her that.

This is hard!

Question.... how have you and your alters handled your friendships all these years since the first alter creation?

this is something that my own treatment provider asked me one time when after diagnosis I became a bit uncertain about what to tell people and whether I should accept this childhood friends facebook request, or call this or that childhood friend...

my answer was I had no control over this... if my alters wanted to contact their childhood friends they did. they had their own sense of agency including who their friends were and what they could and could not do. all my life they have had their friends, did things with their friends, ....

my siblings love to tell me about the time when I was this age or that age calling someone just to sit on the phone talking for hours, As rainy I had this one friend in kindergarten I would call and we would tell each other stories and plan play dates.... I can I come over, lets play this......As a teenager as thelma I would be doing the teen age dating, talking about homework and so on that normal teen agers do.....

my point since the very first alter creation my alters were taking control any time I could not handle something and doing their own thing. nothing changed this after I was diagnosed... if someone wanted to talk to their friends or do things with their friends they did it any time I dissociated and they were in control. just the way DID worked for me.

that was also the point of my therapist when she asked me how we handled this situation before I was diagnosed...

After integration things just continued normally. I hang out with all the friends I have had over the years. we dont talk about my being DID, why should we, our friendships were not built on whether or not I was DID, they were not my friends because of my having DID. they were my friends because we all had things in common. this friend and Rainy became friends because they liked to play in the sand box, this friend and thelma became friends because they liked the same music, ....

top that off there is no legal reason why I have to tell my friends that I had DID. in fact america has privacy laws that say no one needs to know.

in other words I dont base my friendships on my having had DID and my alters didnt when we were not integrated. for me and my alters there was no urge or need for people to know we were mentally ill.

Even if I felt that way my alters would not have because it wasnt part of their sense of agency. as a child I never had this need and want to tell people anything like this... I mean what 5 yr old child goes around telling their friends guess what Im mentally ill, I have DID, I have others in my head. What teen ager tells their friends yea Im crazy, i got people in my head that talk to me. my alters were no different.

Add to that me and my alters followed the abusers code of conduct... do not tell or else this or that would happen. so for me there was no need, want or necessity for my alters to tell their's or my friends that I had DID. we didnt even know about DID until I was an adult so to me its normal for me not to want to or need to tell others.

that said I not my alters chose to tell some very close friends that were part of my every day life. Some reacted very well and others were confused because to them all they saw was how i have always been. its not like they were able to read my mind and know that when we went to the movies with them they were with Thelma... the DID was a mental factor of my mind not a physical thing, I didnt physically shape shift or morph like you see in cartoons and movies.

Im rambling so will end with a suggestion...maybe instead of trying to figure out what to do... think about how friendships were handled all these years with you and your alters. maybe those that want to be in contact with their friends will just do it.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

That's a toughie! I -sort- of can relate to the embarrassment of memory loss, not from a dissociative disorder but rather from ECT treatments.


You were good friends with this person, did she seem the type to be supportive of people with mental health issues? If so, she could be very helpful in filling the gap of memories that you had lost. If she is an understanding person, she should not be insulted that you don't remember her wedding because it wasn't your fault in any way.


You don't even need to go into details on the cause of your memory loss if you don't want, but rather a vague "I struggle with memory loss and had some questions I was hoping you could help me with" kind of thing.

That’s a really great way to put it. “Struggle with memory” is encompassing to what this is.

I’m not sure what her mental health opinions are. She was and is, from what I can tell from FB deeply engrained in the Christian faith. Some people like that have their own, in my opinion misguided, ideas of mental health issues. That makes me a bit cautious.

I don’t mean that in a bad way.

I am a Christian myself. I’ve been blessed with the insight to see it differently.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by flockpride

I had an experience at a high school reunion where people kept saying "hey remember when we...?" And every stinking time I was like "um, no." After a while I stopped answering and just nodded in the affirmative. This is one of the hardest things about having DID. Also, I lost a very close childhood friend after a visit abroad with her. It broke my heart. What happened was that she was reminded of how hard it was to be with me as a kid. Apparently, I switched a lot. She thought I kept changing my mind to "piss her off." I was able to explain to her the reality of parts. She said she wanted to rescue me from my parents house all the while we were kids. She said anyone else would have swallowed a fistful of pills. She said I am strong. Then she said she couldn't be around me anymore. Really I'm heart broken. She understood me more than anyone else in my life. Think long and hard about revealing yourself with old friends.

I am so sorry that happened!

To be that vulnerable with someone and have it turn out that had to hurt you deeply.

I will value your experience and give it serious thought.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

last summer i got together with a friend from high school. i dont have many memories from then. she is actually a therapist now. so maybe that helped her be really understanding. she was not at all surprised to hear I have DID. she said she could kind of tell back then. she was able to fill in some missing events for me. it was really helpful.

That sounds like such a really wonderful experience!

There are some memories of my friendship with her. They are mostly fragments. The fragments give me comfort. I guess that is why this part of me has kind of zeroed in on those fragments and her.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I have an old friend from way back when that I have contact with from time to time. I too struggle with not remembering things that she talks about. It hurts my friend that I don't remember things that happened. She feels like its because she wasn't "important enough to remember". It just confuses me. I know why I don't remember (because I had did - duh!) but it still amazes me that this really is a thing. I guess I don't remember what I don't remember so I am unaware of the extent of my own amnesia.

I can't say if it will be good for you to contact your friend or not, but it might help validate your amnesia or help you make sense of the fragments. It is a pretty big thing to not remember being a bridesmaid at her wedding. Most people would remember something like that (very nearly all people, I would say). I don't remember some things like that too. Its as though they didn't happen at all. So when someone else talks about them and I trust they are telling the truth but I really don't remember anything about it at all it helps me realize that... there is this thing going on with me and it is real.

Yes. I agree with you.

“there is this thing going on with me and it is real”

There are actually 2 other weddings that I was a brides maid that I have no visual memory of. There is a mental knowing that I was, but no actual visual memory.

Maybe it might help to contact this friend.

I’m going to give it a bit more thought.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

Question.... how have you and your alters handled your friendships all these years since the first alter creation?


this is something that my own treatment provider asked me one time when after diagnosis I became a bit uncertain about what to tell people and whether I should accept this childhood friends facebook request, or call this or that childhood friend...


my answer was I had no control over this... if my alters wanted to contact their childhood friends they did. they had their own sense of agency including who their friends were and what they could and could not do. all my life they have had their friends, did things with their friends, ....


my siblings love to tell me about the time when I was this age or that age calling someone just to sit on the phone talking for hours, As rainy I had this one friend in kindergarten I would call and we would tell each other stories and plan play dates.... I can I come over, lets play this......As a teenager as thelma I would be doing the teen age dating, talking about homework and so on that normal teen agers do.....


my point since the very first alter creation my alters were taking control any time I could not handle something and doing their own thing. nothing changed this after I was diagnosed... if someone wanted to talk to their friends or do things with their friends they did it any time I dissociated and they were in control. just the way DID worked for me.


that was also the point of my therapist when she asked me how we handled this situation before I was diagnosed...


After integration things just continued normally. I hang out with all the friends I have had over the years. we dont talk about my being DID, why should we, our friendships were not built on whether or not I was DID, they were not my friends because of my having DID. they were my friends because we all had things in common. this friend and Rainy became friends because they liked to play in the sand box, this friend and thelma became friends because they liked the same music, ....


top that off there is no legal reason why I have to tell my friends that I had DID. in fact america has privacy laws that say no one needs to know.


in other words I dont base my friendships on my having had DID and my alters didnt when we were not integrated. for me and my alters there was no urge or need for people to know we were mentally ill.


Even if I felt that way my alters would not have because it wasnt part of their sense of agency. as a child I never had this need and want to tell people anything like this... I mean what 5 yr old child goes around telling their friends guess what Im mentally ill, I have DID, I have others in my head. What teen ager tells their friends yea Im crazy, i got people in my head that talk to me. my alters were no different.


Add to that me and my alters followed the abusers code of conduct... do not tell or else this or that would happen. so for me there was no need, want or necessity for my alters to tell their's or my friends that I had DID. we didnt even know about DID until I was an adult so to me its normal for me not to want to or need to tell others.


that said I not my alters chose to tell some very close friends that were part of my every day life. Some reacted very well and others were confused because to them all they saw was how i have always been. its not like they were able to read my mind and know that when we went to the movies with them they were with Thelma... the DID was a mental factor of my mind not a physical thing, I didnt physically shape shift or morph like you see in cartoons and movies.


Im rambling so will end with a suggestion...maybe instead of trying to figure out what to do... think about how friendships were handled all these years with you and your alters. maybe those that want to be in contact with their friends will just do it.

Thank you for what you posted.

I’m trying to wrap my brain around the whole concept of actual amnesia and chunks of my life not being there.

I’ve kind of known this but it’s really in my face right now.

I don’t know how friendships were handled then. I don’t have that part accessible. I’ve kind of known that too but it’s also right in front of me now.

It’s kind of scary to think that part of me that I can’t get to would hijack me and just do it.

I think since I’ve become aware of it, in present time, it’s more of a co-conscious working together thing.

I don’t know if that makes sense or not.

Now I’m rambling.

[flockpride]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Yes. I agree with you.

“there is this thing going on with me and it is real”

There are actually 2 other weddings that I was a brides maid that I have no visual memory of. There is a mental knowing that I was, but no actual visual memory.

Maybe it might help to contact this friend.

I’m going to give it a bit more thought.

OMG the bridesmaid thing! I too cannot remember!!

[dlantern]

Are you going piece by piece to unravel the mysteries? I think if you find who might represents you at weddings then that might be a start if going from the alter level. A bank statement possibly might begin to share other triggering information to get a better idea of how you find out if the alters where there. Depending on u guys approach and what phase you are in.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by dlantern

Are you going piece by piece to unravel the mysteries? I think if you find who might represents you at weddings then that might be a start if going from the alter level. A bank statement possibly might begin to share other triggering information to get a better idea of how you find out if the alters where there. Depending on u guys approach and what phase you are in.

Thank you!

That never entered my mind. I hadn’t thought of it that way.

I sat down and listed the weddings I was a bridesmaid in and there are 5 of them.

I’m going to open my mind up to this.

Thank you again!

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I was curious if anyone had reached out and contacted past friends.

I’m trying to understand some fragments and a part of me remembered a friend that I had my teen years. I would like to contact her and ask her some questions, but I don’t know how.

That may sound stupid but I really don’t know what to say.

How much do I say?

We were really good friends and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding but I have absolutely no memory of it. She posted a picture of her wedding on FB and tagged me. There I was. No memory of it.

I don’t want to tell her that.

This is hard!

I did, we tried, but they could careless like rest of humanity. Everyone is wrapped up in their own life that they just passed us on being weirder then the weird they knew...and talked down as condescending as ever...so we shut them posers off and unfriended them on FB. With friends like them....

For anyone to care....you got to pay them: hence therapist.