Dissociation during Adult Trauma

I don’t have a separate dissociative disorder, but I do struggle with dissociation related to PTSD—-feeling detached from oneself, spacing out, not recalling details or emotions of events, being cut off from emotional experience and oneself. I know the origins of dissociation are often childhood abuse (especially sexual) because children’s identity and consciousness are just developing. I do have a history of CSA as well. But I’m wondering if anyone has ever experienced dissociation during experiences of adulthood abuse, especially domestic violence.

I’ve begun to work again on trauma from a 5 year abusive relationship that ended at age 20. I’m coming to realize I have so many holes in my memory for different events.... I know the logical facts of certain things that happened, I have flashes of emotion and sensation regarding other events, I have recently remembered incidents I had forgotten after reading old journals and poetry, and a lot of things I am sure I have completely forgot. Has anyone experienced it during an adulthood trauma, especially something ongoing and interpersonal like DV? Of course I was technically a child when the DV started, and my Hx of CSA probably made me vulnerable to dissociation. I was just wondering if anyone else had that experience.

And of course, it makes it hard to process in therapy bc I don’t have full memory for most of the incidents...partial memory for some but nothing in a logical sequence. And then I started to dissociate a tiny bit in therapy too.

Dissociation is common for people who experience trauma, whether as adults or children. It is a normal response to unbearable stress.

I've read about deer or antelope or some kind of prey animal that will dissociate when they are attacked by a predator. If they survive the assault, they will literally shake it off and resume normal behavior. I think that was in the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, but I'm not sure. Anyway, his theory is that animals and humans both dissociate under extreme stress, but that humans sometimes cannot "shake it off" and then store the trauma in our bodies. And that causes things like DID and PTSD and BPD.

Probably more information than you wanted-but yes, dissociation when under attack is very common.

I’ve always wanted to and tried to join the military- but self sabotaged it somehow....but I’ve got this problem with confrontation which is exactly what the military is all about....confrontation... I turn into a deer in front of oncoming headlights....they just stand there staring...then bam there goes my front grill (then it runs away).