[rise13eyond]

Hi, this is Sam, the host and the identity attached to the body. I know that I don't remember much from before the age of 12, I find out things about little me all the time that I don't remember. That aside I do believe I have experienced dissociation apart from multiple identities for my entire life. But I don't think any alters have existed for that long. I don't know how long some of them have been around, but well one is a fictive so he couldn't have been around before I even heard of the character. However the last meeting I had with my mom and my therapist my mom stated that she believed that same fictive has been around for several years. Longer than I can recall knowing of ANY alters. And that it's possible alters I don't even know about or ones that have integrated, have been around since I was a kid. That's what she thinks. I have a hard to believing that...but i have a hard time believing anything she says about me that I don't remember. And it's not that I think she's lying, or confused or anything, it's just that it makes me feel like I don't even know me. I get the feeling sometimes where I wonder if I even exist. Because the whole thing is so bizarre even knowing all of my alters, I can't imagine what it's be like of all this stuff is the case. I don't know. I wish there was someone I could just walk up to and ask what happened, what was going on, what's going on now, what's real and what isn't. I wish I had the answers to everything because this right now is not pleasant.
Not saying I hate any of the alters, I love them. After getting to know them and trying to get used to everyone living together it's hard to imagine life now without them. But this...is a lot to deal with. I feel like I'm so complicated that why would anyone want to put up with me, how do I even manage to function at all?

[MickeyCheeky]

((((rise13eyond))))

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by rise13eyond

Hi, this is Sam, the host and the identity attached to the body. I know that I don't remember much from before the age of 12, I find out things about little me all the time that I don't remember. That aside I do believe I have experienced dissociation apart from multiple identities for my entire life. But I don't think any alters have existed for that long. I don't know how long some of them have been around, but well one is a fictive so he couldn't have been around before I even heard of the character. However the last meeting I had with my mom and my therapist my mom stated that she believed that same fictive has been around for several years. Longer than I can recall knowing of ANY alters. And that it's possible alters I don't even know about or ones that have integrated, have been around since I was a kid. That's what she thinks. I have a hard to believing that...but i have a hard time believing anything she says about me that I don't remember. And it's not that I think she's lying, or confused or anything, it's just that it makes me feel like I don't even know me. I get the feeling sometimes where I wonder if I even exist. Because the whole thing is so bizarre even knowing all of my alters, I can't imagine what it's be like of all this stuff is the case. I don't know. I wish there was someone I could just walk up to and ask what happened, what was going on, what's going on now, what's real and what isn't. I wish I had the answers to everything because this right now is not pleasant.
Not saying I hate any of the alters, I love them. After getting to know them and trying to get used to everyone living together it's hard to imagine life now without them. But this...is a lot to deal with. I feel like I'm so complicated that why would anyone want to put up with me, how do I even manage to function at all?

your comment about not knowing whether you exist. when I feel like this I do some reality testing because with dissociative disorders reality testing remains intact...

example if you are posting on psych central then obviously you exist. people who no longer exist (unborn or dead) can not work a computer, serch for a website, log in to a website and then click on new post then write a post then submit.

my point you mean feel like you dont exist but reality testing says you do.

[Fuzzybear]

[MickeyCheeky]

How do you feel today?