Integration

I have to say that I really appreciate your above post amandalouise.I like the way you described/explained it in plain,simple terms.

And I hope that many other people read it,not just those with DID but those without it too.Most people think DID is just about the "alters" and they don't get the complexity of how it really works.They usually don't even get that there has been major trauma involved to cause this disorder in the first place.

I am hoping by reading your post they will understand that it's not anything "cool" or really strange or anything to be afraid of or look down on anyone that has it.

yes like I have said many times in my past posts, there's more to having dissociative disorders and DID then what you find in books, movies, google and all these child alter friendly places out there in cyber space that make DID out to be fun, and cool. The reality is vastly different.

I am assuming some may not like your reply or don't want to accept or believe it but it's definitely true.

The reality IS vastly different.

I was reading through this thread again and this stuck out to me.Many sessions were spent with my therapist explaining things to me and I borrowed many different books of his to read in between sessions.At times he had me watch videos about the brain during sessions too.I found it all fascinating,although at times it was difficult to understand what I was being told/was watching/was reading.He was very good at answering any questions I had so that I could understand better though.

You said:
I think,well at least for me,I was just naturally curious about discovering their origins,what and how my brain created them,etc.and was fascinated.I guess most people would be curious and fascinated by it though really.

This whole thread is fascinating to me.it's not often I stumble upon others that have integrated too.I did meet some people online(not this site) that I corresponded with a few years ago when I was searching for others that have integrated.The contact with them was short lived though because I realized very quickly that I didn't have anything in common with them and couldn't relate to their experiences and others I had doubts that they ever had DID to begin with,let alone recover from it.So I pretty much gave up searching or even sharing anymore for a long time.

A common thing I found all over the internet was the different definitions of what integration is.For example what some consider integration is what I call co-consciousness and cooperation.I was corresponding with someone that told me they had reached full integration yet they were talking about their alters and I asked them"I thought you were fully integrated" and they said they were.That wasn't/isn't my experience at all and our conversations just kind of dwindled until we stopped all contact.

That would actually be an interesting thread topic or interesting for others to discuss in this thread,what integration means to them,what they think it means,etc.

Thank you, it took me a while to find people going through integration also.

No, that is not what this thread is for. this thread if for those of us who have actually gone through the process of integration in the definition of the word being becoming one whole person again.

theres the garden for fun, theres the teen board for teen alters and theres the general board for everyone. there is no place here for those of us that have a past history of DID and went through the integration process and became one whole person again.

thats what this thread is for, those of us that have been through the process can post about how our integration process was on the physical and mental aspects and how we became DID, and integrated to be one whole person again.

I agree that your idea would make a great thread of its own though. that way this thread can remain what its meant to be for.

[That would actually be an interesting thread topic or interesting for others to discuss in this thread,what integration means to them,what they think it means,etc.[/QUOTE]

42 years ago I was in Transactional Analysis therapy but not diagnosed DID. I had been aware of two personalities for a few years and was dealing with severe conflicts. One felt very held back by the other. Apart from therapy, I arrived at my own solution for manipulating the other personality into giving me its energy. There were some bad consequences and I can't go into what technique finally actually did something (through a spiritual counselor). After that the conflict was gone and I went on to a new career.


An example of the difference is a therapist had me say "I like to fight". She asked me does that look like me. I had admitted it did - pretty combative in a lot of ways. She asked me how saying it felt. I had to admit it felt wrong - I really did not like to fight. After the integration, I was assertive and related more to liking to argue and win, but it was much more normal and productive. The negative feeling about it was gone.


This past year I was doing a Celebrate Recovery step study where we identify offenses we suffered and what the effect was. My sponsor noted my original split probably occurred through one when I was 4. I could remember what happened just before and what happened afterwards but not the actual beating. I was surprised when others expressed sympathy b/c I had no such feelings about it. Then it suddenly occurred to me I had no feeling about it because it happened to "her" not to me.

That part was created to take punishment b/c in my 4 yr. old mind the punishment had to be something Mom did to keep me from doing something worse. A few months later when living with relatives one overreacted when I hit my cousin in the head with a metal gun. She said I could have killed her. That was the worse thing and it made me feel terrible I was so bad I could kill someone without meaning to. It confirmed to me I had to be very careful to keep from making mistakes and to punish the other one whenever I did. I'd been doing that for so many years that part which was supposed to Do Nothing but take punishment started acting out. For quite a while I would lose things I knew I had put in a particular place. Could look in that place several times. It would not be there but then one day it would be there just out of the blue.


My sponsor thought that part still existed, did not integrate with the others. My first response was "It is scary to think I might not be real", meaning maybe I am the one made up like in the movie the 13th Floor. She said we are all real.


I had to know if she was losing these things so I prayed to find out. I went to a party 2 hours away one day and was baking a salmon in the oven. I know I turned the oven off before I left thinking the heat in the oven would be enough to cook it and it would be ready when I got back. When I got back the oven was still on. That really freaked me out. I had to talk to my sponsor about it. I was scared b/c she is only 4 and could have burned the house down. And I was mad because I created her for one purpose and she was not supposed to do anything on her own (I didn't create her to have a "free will")


Anyway what made the difference in this case involved a big emotional conflict I had with another person who triggered her on the issue of punishment. There were a whole host of things that upset me emotionally that day so I could not sleep all night. Had to take something. Next day I was calm enough to realize I had to do a forgiveness exercise. I had already realized I held a lot of resentment against God for making me the way He did and had to ask forgiveness for that resentment once I realized the Big Picture of why humans are born with the limitations we have. Then I had to forgive myself for punishing myself all those years and I had to ask the 4 year old to forgive me and to really stop the punishing. And I had to forgive the person I disagreed with.


I felt immediate peace in doing that. Then I had a good talk with someone else about it and he had me deal with the limitations I so resented. I told him what it was that I feared the most, killing someone by accident. He has a reputation as a prophet and said he doesn't see that happening to me. I asked if that part would integrate now and he said yes.


One big change is I used to have a spider phobia so bad I once actually crashed my car because of a small spider crawling on the windshield. All of the sudden it was gone. I got in my car and there was a medium sized spider on my steering wheel. I just angrily smashed it with my bare hand. I would have never done that before.

As far as the integration goes, something I realized is all my empathy was put in that part. The one thing that has kept me from doing bad things on purpose that would really hurt anyone is empathy. So in a weird way she did keep me from doing bad things but not b/c I punished her. I still have trouble accepting the "mercy" side of me because it feels weak and my assertive, fight against evil side feels strong. So while I believe the losing things problem is gone, the full integration of who I am is still in process.

continuing with dissociation and integration processes....

so what now....

we know how the mental and physical dissociation processes are connected and working together to place a person in a dissociated state of mind physically and mentally.

this whole process is called "switching" from being fully conscious state of mind to that of the unconscious state of mind,

when the body is automatically physically and emotionally functioning from the unconscious state of mind this is called Alternate Personalities, just like when a person who is fully aware is functioning on their memories, emotions, feelings, thoughts behaviors.... in their conscious state of mind. why its called Alternate personalities no one can tell me other than thats the way its been since the early 1950's.

my own personal belief is that the word "alternate" means..... a substitution/ change from the normal, a replacement, not the first in command... if you google the term alternate you will find the definition of alternate has many words to describe the word.

none of my insiders called them selves "alternate personalities" when I switched from conscious state of mind to that of the dissociated state of mind I as an alter, functioned just like any other person and didnt think of my self as a substitute, second in command, replacement or any other term used to define the word alternate. I didnt even know the words alternate personality until I was in treatment as an adult so my unconscious memories, emotions, events, behaviors .... everything that makes up a persons personality did not contain the term/ phrase/ description "alternate personality" for me. its not like I could as a child of 4,5 and what ever ages go on the internet and research and discover while functioning as an alter thats called an alternate personality. This word just was not part of my unconscious / dissociated vocabulary and such.

so what now. here I am in college, discovering I had DID, what the physical and mental dissociation/ integration process is, what a personality is, how alternate personalities are created, and that through out my whole life time my mental and physical dissociation process was "switching" me from a conscious / fully aware state of mind to an unconscious/ dissociated state of mind, what happens in this integration process next?

developing a treatment plan and years of therapy and working with my treatment providers to work on....

my daily living skills and stabilizing any self injury / suicidal issues.
Taking care of medical problems.
learning to identify my triggers, feelings, emotions,
learning how my triggers were related to my dissociation symptoms...
learning coping tools to handle those triggers.
learning what to do when I was feeling my dissociation symptoms.

my treatment on how my body was going through the dissociation/ integration process did ......... not........... include things like getting along with the alters, trying to make the alters all work together, communicating with them, placing names on my alters if they didnt have one of their own, cuddling/coddling/ encouraging behaviors I didnt do when not in dissociated state of mind

example... i didnt purposely set out to talk with rainy, try and convince rainy to do things I wanted her to do,or even encourage her to continue hiding under blankets with her stuffed animal when triggered.

because I now knew what the physical process of dissociation was and how my alters were created my treatment provider and I went about this a different way then most people do.

when a person is fully aware, not dissociated how do they do all this, do they as a 20 some odd year old adult continue their 5 year old behaviors, of course not, its not acceptable for adults to be at work, shopping and what have you talking walking, behaving like a 5 year old child. In the world we live in adults are expected to behave, talk and walk and so on like adults.

In todays world if an adult cant function on an adult level they are given life skills classes, aids, residential programs that can help them mentally and physically mature to an adult level of functioning.

So thats how we worked my dissociation/ integration process... I worked to gain better coping tools and life skills that would enable me to ........not........ have to "switch" into the dissociated / unconscious state of mind to do those things that were my alters.

example Rainy was my alter that handled depression, sadness, fear of thunder/ rain storms.

by my gaining the skills of grounding, breathing, relaxation, and adult self soothing instead of hiding under a blanket in the closet, I was no longer triggered by thunder storms to dissociate.

by adult self soothing I dont mean x rated stuff. I mean purposely finding a place to sit down, take some deep breaths, then ask myself what did I need to do to feel less upset right now... just like any other normal person who gets caught in a rain storm thinks "gosh its raining I need to open my umbrella, there im cold wonder where the closest coffee shop is, I could really use a hot chocolate or hot coffee right now...."

mind you Im not saying Rainy had to to stop what she was doing when I dissociated into her. I had no control over rainy and did not try and control who and what she was....

I am saying while ..........not ............. dissociated I am recognizing when i am starting to feel my dissociation symptoms, what is triggering it and acting appropriately like an adult doing what an adult would do, not enforcing / encouraging dissociating and going home to hide under a blanket like rainy.

As I continued to do this integration process of learning how to take care of myself, my triggers and be a fully consciously aware adult instead of the mental and physical state of mind called dissociation and that of "switching" to the alternate personality state of mind, the stronger mentally and physically I became.

eventually just like a person who as normal memories they have forgotten and one day when their brain is physically and mentally capable that memory surfaces from the unconscious memories to be conscious memories everything that was my alternate personalities became part of my conscious personality.

example... when i was no longer being triggered into my dissociation symptoms due to a thunder storm, my thalamus was no longer redirecting information to the unconscious/ dissociated storage. my brain no longer had to "switch" to mentally and physically being dissociated.,

when I had enough skills and such to handle what was stored unconsciously as alternate personalities became conscious again....

to understand this think about your favorite food. can you remember how that tasted, looked, felt, sounded when eating it... thats conscious memory.

now think about a time when you were doing something and suddenly remembered a persons name or that tv show you saw as a child or something that happened in school that you had previously forgotten about.... thats the unconscious memories becoming conscious again. no pain just an aha moment wow i had forgotten about that....moment.

when everything that is/ was the alters becomes mixed together with a persons conscious/ fully aware state of mind personality this is what I and my treatment providers called merged together to become one whole personality again. the reason being is because everything that was the alternate personality is no longer separated through the mental and physical dissociation process.

example I know that rainy is part of my regular, not alternate personality because I can now remember the rain and thunder storm traumatic event that resulted in her creation, I can now feel the emotions that was rainy, I can now cry, make a PB&j sandwich, I can now if I choose to watch a childrens show that I now know was part of Rainys memories..... everything she was is now part of my own memories, emotions, everything that makes up my own conscious / fully aware personality.

Now lets skip ahead of this therapy train. Why because there is no magic pill or special therapy for dissociative problems. Just like with any other problem a person goes to therapy and talks about what ever their problem is, then learns how to handle that problem, Just like with bipolar disorder or others meds for depression / anxiety may work for some and not for others, the same with art therapy, ECT, EMDR, CBT, DBT, IFS, REBT, Art therapy and others. there is no right or wrong therapy approach. A person goes to therapy, then while talking about their problems they and the therapist develop a treatment plan that will help that person stabilize and learn new coping tools so that they dont have to dissociate. The main goal of therapy work is to learn ways that will help a person fix their own problems. A mental health treatment provider can not do the work for the client, ...

my therapist could not be at my job, in my home, at school and anything else in my life telling me what to do when having a panic attack or feeling numb or feeling spaced out disconnected... it was up to me to recognize I was feeling that way and follow the treatment plans that would make myself feel better. Whether I got better or stayed stuck in the same problems over and over again was up to me.

Dont get me wrong it was not easy by any means, and there were plenty of times when I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on all the grounding, relaxation CBT, DBT and all.

What I am saying is that over the years I have met many people and I count myself in this too. that have gone into therapy with the attitude of "you the treatment provider must fix me, make my problems better" when the reality is that they can supply the room, they can supply the time, they can supply ways for you to learn, they can listen, but only you, me, who ever is in therapy can do the actual work of "me fixing myself"

Theres no short cuts, magic pills, harry potter wands, theres just me, the therapist in a room and I had this problem this week, ok lets take it one step at a time and come up with solutions to try. if that doesnt work then try something else....

So lets now skip forwards, assume years from diagnosis has past, many years of therapy work on stabilizing and learning better coping tools, solving ones own problems.

you are finally at the stage where your life does not seem so bad, not feeling numb all the time, not feeling spaced out all the time, not losing track of time so much, not having so many suicidal thoughts, not having so many self injury events... you are finally able to work, go to school, hang out with friends and ......actually remember doing so......... life seems to be going just ok. not fantastic but ok and manage able.

you notice things are better and you begin to wonder what its going to be like after there is no more alters. the fear of being alone in your head kicks in, having to handle everything on your own. second guessing this integration thing, nope dont want it, never going to integrate....

Yea I remember going to my therapist and saying that... I said something like ok things are going good I dont want to do this integration thing, lets stop and do something different I want Rainy, thelma and all of them to stay here with me. Im not going to integrate them they dont want that, we all want to live together...

my therapists reaction she burst out in song........I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.....

then she said.... Sorry too late. by now you know integration is not a choice you make, its the whole process that you do, its entering therapy, learning about you and your day to day problems, its learning about what your mental disorders are and learning how to manage your problems so that you dont have your mental disorder symptoms. Just like if you had a physical health problem all you can control and choose is whether you take your meds or not.

Then she made a suggestion.... that we go a period of time with out therapy and my not doing anything that I have learned over the years to take care of myself and my problems... if I started to have an anxiety attack dont breath, dont relax, just let it happen like if was years ago before I learned what a panic attack was and what to do to take care of my problem and myself.....

yup not doing the integration process was a major fail. the first time I started feeling numb, spaced out, disconnected, or had a panic attack or any other problem did i go back to the old way of not doing anything and staying stuck in it, nope, no matter how much I tried not to, I would do the breathing, do that grounding, do the art work, do the writing, do the take a walk, do the check with google on what my problem was called and how to fix it, visit and post on the mental health website forums.....what ever I could to feel better.

the month past and I was so glad to see my therapist again. I was actually proud of myself that even though the plan was to not do the integration process I failed and that I learned so much and could have a better life.

That month away from therapy showed me that integration was not a choice I could make.

After so many years in therapy I could not make myself go back to how things were before I had entered that psych class that required the students to do a psych eval and enter treatment in order to learn not only the mental health field but being a client too.

for me the bottom line was whether I liked it or not, some day I would no longer be "switching" mentally and physically into the unconscious memories, emotions, thoughts and behaviors that have been dissociated called Alternate Personalities. Instead as I healed what was dissociated would be remembered again and part of my conscious, non dissociated personality.

Scary thought of it happening? yes but the reality of it happening is so vastly different than what you see in the movies, on tv and in books.

I actually did not realize the exact second / moment when one of my alters became one with me...I remember after the fact very well.

when i told someone that their reaction was ..... wait !! what? how can you not notice something so drastic as that?

Im sorry to disappoint that friend and those looking for that big bang moment of host holding hands and talking with their alters or death scene or huge shocking electric jolts stare into space, or overwhelming silence where is everyone moments that come in the movies, tv and books.

I did not have any of those or other problems that are popular on the internet and media that signal an alternate personality is in the act of integrating.

it was more a knowing what I previously did not know before.

I knew Rainy was no longer dissociated from me, and that everything she was and had in her was part of me now because I could do everything she did, I remembered everything that she could remember, I liked the same things that she liked, ....

it was just a calm knowing and realizing that I knew everything she did, no big thunderstorm, death scene or electric jolts, just a calm knowing.

I knew thelma was part of my own conscious personality because I enjoyed intimacy so much more, I now knew what she had kept dissociated from me. just a calm knowing.

I knew Red was integrated into my conscious personality by the fact that I could now feel angry and express anger.

this "knowing" is the same kind of knowing like if someone asked you "what is 1+1?" and you just know the answer is "2" or if someone asked you if you have ever seen the movie "wizard of Oz" you can very easily answer yes or no. the same kind of knowing it takes for a person to come on psych central and make a post or thread. you just know how to do it and write your post.

I know its a shock to discover its not a big bang moment at the end of therapy for me or others. it sure shocked me, and a friend of mine and others that I know have had their dissociated personality merge together to become one whole conscious personality.

to wrap your heads around this maybe reread your past posts here and notice when you have posted that you remembered something or an alter shared an emotion, event or memory with you. that information is now not dissociated any more. its now part of your conscious personality.

remember when i first started this thread I explained what a personality is..... a persons memories, emotions, behaviors, experiences, everything that makes up who and what they are.

any time my alters shared any thing with me, during those rare co consciousness moments that was integration, that information became part of my conscious personality, no longer dissociated, no longer accessible through switching into the mental and physical state of mind called dissociation.

could this ever be undone? you know like you see in movies, tv shows and books and where the integrated become unintegrated again... nope not for me anyway.

once something was shared with me or merged together with my conscious personality it could not be undone. the way my treatment provider explained to to me...

see this lemon, hold it, smell it, notice its bumps, shape. now lets have a slice, taste it. then she put the lemon in a box and said i want you to forget the lemon, forget that you held it, forget its smell, forget its bumps, shape and taste can you do that. of course not. its part of my memories and emotions and something I now know about.

then we talked for a bit and then unexpectedly she slammed her desk drawer that she had opened with out my realizing it. scare the what ever out of me, I felt numb and spaced out and a bit disconnected.

she asked me "tell me about the lemon" and I was fully aware and able to tell her about the lemon. she said to me a traumatic event just happened and you did not dissociate the lemon again. its part of your conscious personality for ever, nothing not even the traumatic event that first caused it to become part of the dissociated Alternate personality that held the memory of lemons and banging drawers could make it become unintegrated again.

it was now part of my conscious personality forever.

Thank you so much for what you're doing, amandalouise

sometimes I get asked by my family and friends if I am ever afraid that my alters will "come back" or "become un integrated again" My answer is always no.

so many mental and physical elements had to line up perfectly in order for their creation. for them to be created again or become un integrated all those elements would have to line up perfectly in the same identical ways that they did the first time.

just taking the physical elements.. the body and brain have 100 billion nerves, receptors, synapses, chemicals, and path ways are continuously being made.

what are the odds that I experience the same abuse during a thunderstorm that resulted in Rainy's creation and my body followed the same identical nerves,receptors/ synapses and pathways that my brain did when I was a 4 year old child.

I know how to use therapy techniques like breathing, relaxing, grounding art and much more. what are the odds that my amygdala will now choose no emotions flight response, instead of sending the message of fight because I have all the skills now to handle adult issues.

Add to that what and who each of my alters were...what are the odds of all the different elements that made who and what "rainy" was being removed from conscious awareness to being dissociated again....my being so traumatized that I would be triggered into a state of dissociation by every single memory, emotion, behavior, thought, likes, dislikes, everything she did, said, believed, thought, .... in order to make who and what she was be redirected by the thalamus to my unconscious dissociated long storage tanks again

The odds of all the different elements for this to happen lining up perfectly like the first time when I was 4 years old with no skills to handle adult issues are so astronomically small and rare that I am not afraid of this happening.

like I told them.... theres more to being DID then these sensationalized books, movies and tv shows.

they have nothing to fear, my alters are now a part of my conscious personality instead of being dissociated. I have no doubt that for a rare few all the different mental and physical elements needed may have lined up perfectly but for me the odds are so astronomically small, that I am confident its not going to happen to me..

then I usually lighten the mood with hey I live in a major and entertaining city why would I move back to a small, underground mining town, enter the mine and be abused just so that Rainy can come back when she is right here with me... everything she was and did is now part of my own conscious state of mind personality. Besides I hear that old mine has lights and sirens and plumbing now, complete with its own tourist attraction guides.

my friends and family usually joins in with the banter of the old days and how things have changed and we move on with the understanding that my alters are forever merged back together with me.

editting to add here a definition...

my use of the term "astronomically small" may confuse others.

Astronomically means there is so many stars, planets, .... in the universe.

i use it here as a way of saying there are just too many elements (astronomical) that need to come together, that the odds of it happening for me is too small to even calculate. a minute speck of dust not even equal to 1 in 100 billion worth of nerves, receptors and synapses..

Thanks for this post.

I will be honest and say there's been times I've been worried about becoming un integrated. Logically I knew it wasn't a possibility but I have read stories of it happening to people.Not only that but someone I was corresponding with in the past was trying to tell me integration is always only a temporary thing and the first time there's major stress it will be undone.I stopped talking to that person because deep down I didn't believe or feel it was true.

Last week I had to spend some time with one of my abusers and I started thinking to myself omg,what if what I have read is true,what if it happens right now and the alter that was created because of this person pops out.I had myself worked up into near panic mode but was able to calm myself down by saying to myself nah,it doesn't work that way.Lol

Thanks for reassuring me. I'm sure I will think of your post should those thoughts ever come up again.

Sometimes as a integrated person I get asked if I am afraid that my brain is going to create new alternate personalities. my answer is now no. Before I was integrated I did not have this fear. it was just my normal to have alternate personalities, the idea of another new one didnt phase me at all. just had the attitude of same stuff different day for me.

But after my alters were all merged together with me I did wonder about this, my treatment provider explained to me that it wasnt possible for me. I was no longer a 4 year old child with a 4 year olds brain with 4 year olds lack of coping skills. my brain does not have the physical capabilities to do that now. then she reminded me how my alters were created to begin with, all the different physical and emotional elements needed just were not there to do that any more.

then I asked her what about maybe there is someone one there that has n ot been merged yet.

She pulled out my files and we went how certain symptoms both common place and those other accompany symptoms that cant be found on the internet or in books and movies are not continuing to happen. if there was an alter that hadnt been previously merged I would have continued to have all my dissociative commonly known and other accompanying symptoms, I would not have felt everyone was merged or anything like it. in short everything that has been happening since before I was 5 would have continued to happen regardless of whether one alter is integrated or 2 or three, and if there was still more there. since my problems got better not stayed the same there are no undiscovered alters somewhere.

life as an integrated person is like all the holidays and special days of the year combined together along with that moment of clarity, with a pinch of this and a dab of that and dont forget the Salt and Pepper.

in life no matter what and who it is there are always 3 sides of things.... the good, the good, the bad and the middle ground. Recovery from DID is no different in reality but ones perception is a bit off.

example One day I was at a popular beach camping with my family. I left the camp site for a walk and sometime later my wife comes and finds me standing on a pier, puts her arms around me and asks.... are you ok? I, still facing the water said ....yes, see that sparkle out there on the lake? Isn't that the most amazing thing how the sun does that on the water? my wife said Honey, Beth, and Many are with you, thats why you can now enjoy the sparkles on the lake. you have their memories of lake watching. isnt it grand, isnt it lovely. I snuggled in closer with my wife and said "like a child on christmas morning when they see Santa has been there"

We stood on that pier until the sun went down enjoying the fact that while I was fully in the present moment could enjoy this special moment of the sun making sparkles on the water. All the while knowing I was able to do this now because those lake loving alters were now part of my own personality. that everything they were and contained was now me. We ended up buying a cabin not too far from the lake and we go there frequently.

I have had many moments like this where I have been totally captivated by this new way of being... all merged together to form one whole person again, experiencing life and moments, emotions, events like it was the very first time.

not only was I now able to fully experience and appreciate the good but the down side too. one day I was hanging curtains and pictures when I accidentally hit my finger with the hammer. now I had been feeling pain and such for a while now but nothing to this extreme. it totally shocked me right to my core that the feeling of pain could be so intense and scary.

there was a bit of swearing and all those normal reactions and it dodnt subside right away.....of course it didnt, my brain would no longer automatically switch my brain functions to that of the unconscious memories, emotions and all else that had previously been called my alter that handled pain because everything that was unconsciously stored was now consciously stored and accessible. I had everything I needed to handle this situation readily available to my brain functions with out the brain physically doing the "switch over"

like at the lake I was overwhelmed by what I was going through. I ran for the phone and called my treatment provider. I think we spent a good 2 hours on the phone that day discussing emotions and how I had already been experiencing them on a smaller scale and that this was a normal reaction to someone hitting their finger with a hammer while hanging curtains and pictures, that the reason I was going through so many emotions, thoughts and behaviors around this was because I had had many alters that dealt with various kinds of pain, now that everything that they were is now merged together with me, their memories, emotions, behaviors, thoughts are now mine. As I continue to live and experience everything as a whole personality again everything will settle down where I wont be getting so over whelmed. that this is what its like to be normal, be able to fully experience and appreciate my body, mind emotions and events. As time goes on I will find that happy middle ground where I wont be so overwhelmed with emotions, memories.

Being integrated to where all my alters are merged together with my own personality actually takes more time, treatment and shockingly gathers more attention then dissociating did. no one could see and notice when I was dissociated because I had been this way since before I was 5, what people saw of me in those before integration days was just my normal. but let me stand there in total amazement over a water sparkle or hopping around the room in tears, swearing over actually being able to feel every single emotion and physical sensation that comes from accidentally hitting ones own finger with a hammer, everyone close by gathers and 'are you alright? " and other comments. might as well add embarrassment to everything else going on.

where am I at now? do I still get overwhelmed? I am now at a point where I am able to find that happy middle ground between the good and the bad of having alternate personalities not alternate personalities any more but still with me as my own personality. its still a challenge at times but over all I am very happy that I took that psych class so many years ago that required the students to take an in class psych eval, find a therapist and psychiatrist and go through formal tests and enter treatment for one semester. That began this wonderful and challenging journey called integration for me.

I know that integration is not over because Im not dead yet. like stated at the beginning of this thread....human beings naturally do the integration process every day from the moment that they are born to the moment of their death. this has been just one small part of my natural life long integration process. I dont have any regrets or misgivings about the process or having done it or finding out that its not a choice I could make.

I am happy to know that no one has died nor did I get hypnotized them away. they are all here with me just in a different physical and mental way....

I could really relate to this.

It took awhile for me to adjust to feeling so intensely.Everything felt so overwhelmingly intense.If I was happy,I felt euphoric,if I was sad I felt so deeply sad that I couldn't handle it,etc.There were times I scheduled emergency therapy sessions just to get help in dealing with it. It was way different being able to completely feel,to completely experience something and stay with it without dissociating.Even the love I had for others felt so intense it would make me cry.

It took time but I gradually did adjust.I do still have times though where I experience something for the first time since integration and feel overwhelmed still.But it' s not scary anymore really,just different.

ETA:yes,some things ARE scary(even though I said it's not scary,just different)and hard to deal with and at times I get upset about it and even complain.But as my therapist had told me once,the bad thing about dissociating was I was missing out on the good things in life too,not just the bad.So I think feeling everything,good and bad is much better than before integration.

yes it does take time to adjust to being able to feel a full range of emotions, and my therapist told me the same thing about missing out on life and living one time when I told her it was so much easier back when I didnt have the skills that I have...

by the way for those waiting for the next installment / post/ thread of my integration process I have been purposely not posting....

one I want to give you all time to adjust to the fact that there are integration threads mixed in here on this board.

two I want to give you all a chance to adjust to everything I have already posted. I know its a lot of information and personal experiences, stuff you could not find elsewhere before I started posting about my dissociation/ integration process, and believe me I've done them all.... Yahoo groups, Facebook Groups, not yahoo groups, NAMI, healthjourneys, melting minds, ivory garden, survivors forum, and not on any of the other sites where dissociation issues are discussed that I am or have been a member of, not even on popular information sites like ISSTD and others...

Mind you I am not trying to plug these sites for people to go to, just stating a fact that I have searched for many many years in all kinds of forums and information sites and could not find anything that goes beyond the typically found everywhere information.

my point is what Im posting is stuff that cant be found elsewhere except from going through it. And theres more to come So I dont want to overwhelm any one.

I Also want to give others a change to start their own threads on integration and integration issues. everyone says they want more discussions about this but I seem to be the only one making threads and posts about it.

put bluntly if you want more discussions about this then you need to post about it yourselves too.

ok then lol I was rereading my thread when I noticed in this post there is a mis wording.. I put the site name melting minds (mindz) when it is supposed to say mosaic minds. melting mindz is a jig gaming puzzle website my children and I use together lol sorry about that and am so surprised that no one else has caught that miss wording

amandalouise,this article goes against what you have been sharing here about integration.It goes against my experiences and what I think/believe also.

There's No Cure for Dissociative Identity Disorder | HealthyPlace

It says it cannot be cured.As a matter of fact it says this:

I do consider myself cured from DID.I no longer even have the diagnosis.I do have other issues and struggles but DID is not one of them anymore.I don't feel it's in remission,I feel and believe I have been cured.

Do you consider yourself "cured"? If I am using the term cured incorrectly please let me know.I feel this article is wrong is telling people they can't recover or be healed.

yes my treatment providers and I consider my DID to be cured/ no longer/ never will be again. or any other phrasing.

in short here in america to legally be called DID. legally be diagnosed DID a person must fit the diagnostic criteira ...

Dissociative Identity Disorder 300.14 (F44.81)

A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption in identity involves marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.

B. Recurrent gaps in the recall of every day events, important personal information, and or traumatic events that are inconstant with ordinary forgetting.

C the symptoms cause clinical significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

D. The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice.

Note in children the symptoms are not better explained by imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

E. The Symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g. Blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition (e.g. complex partial seizures)

along with this diagnostic criteria are 5 pages that go into more detail in categories of diagnostic features that explains the above diagnostics in more detail, Associated features supporting diagnosis, the statistical prevalence of the disorder, the development and course of the disorder, Risk and Prognosis Factors, Culture Related Diagnostic Issues, Suicide Risks and the Functional consequences of this disorder. The DSM 5 also addresses Differential Diagnosis (other dissociative disorders that share the same symptoms) and Comorbidity (having more than one diagnosis)

all my dissociative type alternate personalities have been integrated. and I no longer fit any of the diagnostics for having DID.

my diagnosis has been down graded to OSDD - macropsia and other OSDD disorder labeling.

here in america when one no longer fits the diagnostic criteria for a mental disorder they are considered healed/ cured. no longer having that mental disorder. this was a change put into place in 2013 due to many people thought they had a whole listing of mental disorders when in fact their present mental disorder listings did not include what they had previously been diagnosed.

this change is also why people with mental disorders have to now go through periodic assessments and re evaluations. so that their treatment providers can make changes to their files of what their actual present mental disorder diagnosis's are.

a person can find out whether they are still considered to be DID by talking with their treatment providers and going through diagnostic testing.

again since I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for DID by legal and ethical standards I am considered cured / healed / no longer have and never will again have DID.

Thanks amandalouise.My therapist had told me I no longer have DID but I do still have PTSD.I have used the words healed,recovered,integrated,etc.but I don't think I have ever used the word cured before when talking about it.I knew I was but hadn't used that term.

You and I are both proof that it can be cured and that the article I talked about is far from the truth.