Losing the happy dinosaur

I’m new here, but some people will know me from another site under another name. My healing journey involves working with parts. I have a very special place I like to visit and I found that as different parts visited it, they would buy a little dinosaur they liked. These dinosaurs quickly came to represent or symbolise some of my different parts and have been very helpful to my healing.

I find that if I need to comfort a certain part, then comforting the dinosaur reaches that part. If I need to let a part have a voice, then the dinosaur can speak (or ROAR! if need be). If there’s a scary action I need to take, then letting a dinosaur do it first can help as a testing ground. Carrying them around keeps me more connected to my parts rather than cutting them off.

And they have given my T and I a lot of insight into things. I am often not aware of what is going on inside me, but whenever a certain dinosaur has to hide in my T’s office or be locked up in the pencil case or sit out in the open, it gives us very important clues as to what is happening inside me.

There are 4 dinosaurs all up and they have very definite patterns connecting them. There is a happy one and a sad one. An angry one and a hiding one. Two green ones and two brown ones. Two stand upright and two stand on all fours. I certainly didn’t plan it that way, but it is very interesting how it’s turned out and how they are linked together.

Anyway, we’ve lost one. A couple of months ago we were working very closely with the sad part and trying to let it come out more and all of a sudden we lost the happy dinosaur. Straight after that the sad part was able to have a voice and be present in our sessions.

Losing the happy dinosaur was devastating. We searched everywhere repeatedly for hours and hours. Days. Weeks. Much distress. Heavy denial. Refused to believe he was gone. Avoided searching some places because if we did and he wasn’t there then he really must be gone. I felt like I’d lost a child. He’s a part of me. It’s so hard.

After about a month we finally managed to search everywhere and perhaps start to accept that he was gone and thought about whether we should buy another one to replace him. My T wondered if that was wise. He wondered if perhaps I had “misplaced” the happy dinosaur in order to give the sad part room to come out.

I was initially very cranky whenever he mentioned this. As though I’d hidden the dinosaur. I didn’t hide it on purpose! I’ve lost him! But I could see it was a slim possibility that made a lot of sense. I don’t lose time, but I do have a lot of blanks in my head around where and when I last had him out.

So I decided to wait and see. I think I’ve waited for about a month now and there’s still no sign of him anywhere. At present I don’t have a burning urge to replace him. He’s not prominent at present. And I’d hate to buy another one and then “find” him down the track. Would mess me up inside. So for now I’m okay with sitting back and waiting for a while. See what happens. But I know a day will come when I suddenly NEED him. Or I’ll be at the special place again and just buy him on impulse. I’ve been avoiding the special place to prevent this. But it is very good for us to visit this special place. I can feel a need for that place coming up.

All the dinosaurs got locked up very very tightly and securely for a long time after we lost him. Didn’t want to let them out and risk losing another one. We have recently very slowly started letting them out again, but there are big fears we’ll lose another one. However, once again, they have already provided very important clues in my healing journey.

What do you think? Would you buy a replacement one? Would it bother you that your parts are reduced to easily replaced commodities? Does it make it okay if you recognise the dinosaurs are only symbolic of the actual parts within you – simply tools? Would you continue to use the symbolic dinosaurs to assist you, or would you eradicate them and work on dealing directly with the parts?

This is so interesting. I'm so glad you have found a way to learn more about yourself.

I probably would not buy anything for a while. I have different bears but have not really paid attention to which bear is out when and have not used them for therapy even though T gave me two of them. It might be interesting to do that though as I have noticed that different bears are out on my bed or out and about at different times (a lot of them sit on the window seat in my bedroom).

I do find though that things disappear and then I panic, searching, and yet not finding. Then later, that object will turn up as if it was never missing. My T said there are reasons for it and if it's meant to show up, it will. It usually does. Sometimes I discover the reason it disappeared for a while, sometimes not.

In my opinion, anything that helps with healing should be used, whether it's a dinosaur, bear or a dust bunny. If the objects are helping you learn more about you, keep going.

Best of luck to you as you discover yourself. I hope the dinosaur will show up again when it's time.

I'd probably buy a new one if it reduced my anxiety. I have a teddy bear that I talk to to let the little voice insidde out. I'm mot sure what I'd do without it now.

Thank you for your reply.

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I do find though that things disappear and then I panic, searching, and yet not finding. Then later, that object will turn up as if it was never missing. My T said there are reasons for it and if it's meant to show up, it will. It usually does. Sometimes I discover the reason it disappeared for a while, sometimes not.

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So do you find the things because you suddenly have a part remember where it is (when it's time to be found), or do you find them simply because you happen to stumble across the item while doing something else?

Yesterday my T and I talked a bit about state dependant memories and how you don't necessarily need to lose time for memories to be inaccessable to other parts. It upsets me a lot that I have very very few memories. If that's why I can't find the dinosaur, it disturbs me quite a bit. I thought my parts were more open to each other than that.

Thank you for talking to me.

I think I've almost decided to buy another one. A girl can never have too many happy dinosaurs, right? I've thought that if I bought a new one and the original turned up, I'd then have one to carry around and one can stand guard over my safe place at home and welcome me in whenever I need it.

I think I'm more worried about what would happen if I lost my sad dinosaur. It would be so devastating for that part to be rejected, discarded, invisible, dismissed, ignored again. I don't think that one could be so easily replaced.

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So do you find the things because you suddenly have a part remember where it is (when it's time to be found), or do you find them simply because you happen to stumble across the item while doing something else?

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I'm actually not sure. I don't have co-consciousness but I do think that sometimes I am influenced by other parts of my brain, even though there is a separation there. Sometimes I stumble across things, sometimes they show up near where they left, sometimes I find them when I'm looking for something else, sometimes they never show up.

It makes sense that the brain would block things that are too much for it to handle even without amnestic barriers between parts. I used to think it was normal not to remember most of my life. It wasn't until a few years ago that I found out that a lot of people have memories of a good portion of their lives. I think it's great that you do not lose time. I often feel like I am missing my present day life as much as I missed the past because of time loss. It's funny that it didn't even bother me when I wasn't aware of it, but as I become more aware of it, it makes me feel more crazy...

I'm glad you found a solution for the happy dinosaur. You can never have too many.

Take care and best of luck on your journey.