[Angie84]

I hurt myself late Tuesday night. I drove to the local hospital and was then sent to the main hospital by ambulance. I received treatment and had to stay there until I was reviewed by psych. So after 24 hours waiting (giving me time to hurt myself again), I saw someone from the psych liaison team who said she'll discuss what's happened and how I'm feeling with my own psychiatrist. I never lie when I talk to the specialists as I think it's unfair to them as it just wastes their time. Anyway, 5 hours later the liaison psych person came back and said I was okay to be discharged home and that my psychiatrist will see me next week. During our chat earlier that day she asked if I'd be safe at home (as I'd be alone) and I told her I wouldn't buy that I don't want to be safe either. She asked if I would go into hospital if my psychiatrist suggested it and I told her I didn't want to be admitted and I'd still find a way to harm myself whilst there anyway. So after my second talk with psych I mentally couldn't cope with the thought of travelling home, so I went into the toilet on the ward and hurt myself again, determined to just bleed out there. But the nurse unlocked the toilet door from the outside and caught me. So I discharged myself from the ward as I told them there is no point caring for the wound and I'm now on my way home. I'm just too exhausted to carry on. Sorry for the saga, I just need to vent to people I don't know.

[SlumberKitty]

I wish I had more to offer you than hugs...but hugs is what I have.

[Rive1976]

Stuff like this makes me so angry. I dont understand why nobody wants help anybody. They should of kept and searched you. Thats what they do where I live. Please be safe and go back or somewhere else if you need to. I think you should go to the doctor or back to the hospital and restitch your wrist before it gets infected. I know things are tough. I dont want you to hurt yourself again or worse. Do you have a friend or family you can stay with so at least you are not alone?

[Fuzzybear]

I’m very sorry this happened

It seems there isn’t much love or even compassion in those places

I was under the impression their job is to help people

I live in the same forest

[Angie84]

I could stay with in in-laws but I don't want to be safe, I want to be in a position where I can harm myself if I want to. There is no point getting it stitched again as it was scar tissue that I cut so the stitches weren't holding anyway. I have paper stitches that I can put on if I want to.

If you dont want to be safe, I suppose no one can stop you. But i am sorry youre feeling so bad.

[Betty_Banana]

I'm sorry you're hurting and struggling so much.I am wondering if it's ok if I ask a few questions.

How the heck did you drive yourself to the hospital after hurting yourself?
Why did you go to the hospital in the first place if you don't want to be safe or admitted?

I'm really not trying to sound uncaring or heartless,just trying to understand.The title of this thread is "sent home to kill myself",like you are upset about it yet you don't want anyone to help you or do anything for you.You weren't "sent" home,you discharged yourself.Were you hoping they would admit you against your will?What exactly were you wanting?

hugs

[Amyjay]

Angie, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I can sense the ambivalence in your post... you don't want help, and yet you are silently screaming out for it .The sense I get is that you really wish want need someone to just care enough to stop you. But at the same time you need to reject all help... and there could be so many reasons for that - you don't feel worthy of receiving it, you don't feel worthy of asking for it, you are driven by so many different conflicts about wanting to hurt and or punish self/wanting to stop the pain/wanting someone to take it all away/ wanting needing someone to just care/wanting peace/needing to harm. It sounds like a truly terrifying place to be. I am sorry you are hurting so intensely.

How are you doing now? Has the swirling mass of emotion calmed down any since you posted? Have you managed to find any calm for yourself at all?

Originally Posted by Angie84

I could stay with in in-laws but I don't want to be safe, I want to be in a position where I can harm myself if I want to. There is no point getting it stitched again as it was scar tissue that I cut so the stitches weren't holding anyway. I have paper stitches that I can put on if I want to.

I hope you are doing a little better today. I hope you find a way to soothe yourself and get some help. Help is hard to find for so a many.....

Please post and let us know how you are doing. We care. What you said reminds me of where I was. I didn't understand what was going on. Luckily, my T did. I needed someone, anyone, even a complete stranger, or a professional just doing their job, to care what happened to me. To know how awful & scared I felt. I didn't understand what was going on. Need somebody to even pretend they did. Hospitals & mental health pros are suppose to be those kinds of places.. Suppose to be. Please post again soon. Many of us have been in your muddy waters before.

[TishaBuv]

Sadly, that is the way they treat you in the hospital.

Hang in there and keep posting. There are many caring people here!

[Angie84]

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

I'm sorry you're hurting and struggling so much.I am wondering if it's ok if I ask a few questions.

How the heck did you drive yourself to the hospital after?
Why did you go to the hospital in the first place if you don't want to be safe or admitted?

I'm really not trying to sound uncaring or heartless,just trying to understand.The title of this thread is "sent home to kill myself",like you are upset about it yet you don't want anyone to help you or do anything for you.You weren't "sent" home,you discharged yourself.Were you hoping they would admit you against your will?What exactly were you wanting?

hugs

I was able to drive myself to the local hospital as I was prepared before I did it. I had a home made pressure dressing at the ready (I am a medical professional). I did not know whether I wanted to live or die, and if I did choose to die then I didn't want to die in my house. So I drove the 5mins or so to the hospital where I then removed the dressing and sat in my car still unable to decide if I wanted to live or die . Next thing I know I'm walking into the hospital (my 'functional healthy adult' obviously winning the fight against Viktor). Please see the post below regart thoughts and feelings as I think amyjay sums it up quite well. I have a very strong part named Viktor who wants us to die and he is fed by several other parts, but I also have a part of me that wants to abide by 'sovial norms' where suicide is wrong im afraid I can't provide any more clarity as I have no idea what's happening in my head most of the time either, and cannot make sense of things.

[Angie84]

Thanks everyone for your replies, especially the ones that seem to get it. I think it really must come down to wanting someone to care. The specialists involved in my care do tell me that they care what happens to me, but my difficulty is believing it, after all it is only words, I am unable to believe or feel what they say as being true. I can't say I'm feeling much better today, and I still don't know what will happen, all I feel just now is that I want to run away but I know that won't help as it's some of the people in my head that I want to run from.

[FearLess47]

Echoing cavaliers...let us know how you are doing now...are you safe(r)? You are not alone.
FearLess47

[FearLess47]

Originally Posted by Angie84

Thanks everyone for your replies, especially the ones that seem to get it. I think it really must come down to wanting someone to care. The specialists involved in my care do tell me that they care what happens to me, but my difficulty is believing it, after all it is only words, I am unable to believe or feel what they say as being true. I can't say I'm feeling much better today, and I still don't know what will happen, all I feel just now is that I want to run away but I know that won't help as it's some of the people in my head that I want to run from.

Hi Angie84...I can so relate to that feeling of not having control over who is in control! And also not being able to believe other people's perceptions of "you."

DID is a condition of extreme hiddenness. Until it is not, and we are no longer able to hide it. Perhaps you can ask Viktor if there is any way he can give you a little space. Or even ask him what he needs. Is there a compromise that does not lead to SH? That he is important and a part of you, but that you got this for now and could really use some compassionate support, elbow room to breathe and a chance at life.

FearLess47

[Angie84]

Originally Posted by FearLess47

Hi Angie84...I can so relate to that feeling of not having control over who is in control! And also not being able to believe other people's perceptions of "you."

DID is a condition of extreme hiddenness. Until it is not, and we are no longer able to hide it. Perhaps you can ask Viktor if there is any way he can give you a little space. Or even ask him what he needs. Is there a compromise that does not lead to SH? That he is important and a part of you, but that you got this for now and could really use some compassionate support, elbow room to breathe and a chance at life.

FearLess47

Thanks for your reply. My psychologist says exactly what you have said regarding Viktor. Logically I know it makes sense but every time she mentions it I get freaked out and feel worried and kind of scared. There's also a fear that he might leave me.

[FearLess47]

Originally Posted by Angie84

Thanks for your reply. My psychologist says exactly what you have said regarding Viktor. Logically I know it makes sense but every time she mentions it I get freaked out and feel worried and kind of scared. There's also a fear that he might leave me.

This makes sense. I think sometimes there is a misconception that we have to "kill off" or banish parts of ourselves. Perhaps not. Perhaps we can seek to understand why they are there to begin with...the purpose they've served. And then see if there are other ways to find outlets for pain, that support the whole system a bit better. So that maybe Viktor can become an active part of your life without inflicting pain. Maybe it is possible that Viktor has lots of other contributions to make that have yet to be discovered, that are strengthening and bolstering, rather than destructive.

FearLess47

[Angie84]

Originally Posted by FearLess47

This makes sense. I think sometimes there is a misconception that we have to "kill off" or banish parts of ourselves. Perhaps not. Perhaps we can seek to understand why they are there to begin with...the purpose they've served. And then see if there are other ways to find outlets for pain, that support the whole system a bit better. So that maybe Viktor can become an active part of your life without inflicting pain. Maybe it is possible that Viktor has lots of other contributions to make that have yet to be discovered, that are strengthening and bolstering, rather than destructive.

FearLess47

Are you sure you're not my psychologist?? Lol. That's exactly what she says. Viktor is very controlling, and some what of a bully and I need to be able to find the courage to stand up to him. I've recently come out of quite a controlling relationship, and having controlling people in my life has been a constant since a young age and so a need for someone for me to 'obey' has developed and I think that's why I'm scared and feel unable to deal with things just now. I guess it's probably why Viktor is so strong just now.

[FearLess47]

Originally Posted by Angie84

Are you sure you're not my psychologist?? Lol. That's exactly what she says. Viktor is very controlling, and some what of a bully and I need to be able to find the courage to stand up to him. I've recently come out of quite a controlling relationship, and having controlling people in my life has been a constant since a young age and so a need for someone for me to 'obey' has developed and I think that's why I'm scared and feel unable to deal with things just now. I guess it's probably why Viktor is so strong just now.

Nope. Definitely not a psychologist. I've just struggled for a really long time. You've identified something so important. You are "used to" having controlling people in your life. Perhaps Viktor is one of them. So there is a bit of a push-pull battle inside. It's very common for us humans to become attached to a certain type of pain or treatment. Then the subsequent shame or fear or guilt that comes along with feeling powerless over it. It's a cycle.

I was somewhat shocked to learn recently that I have become my own bully. And my own mommy dearest. My T asked me what their "purpose" was and I am very annoyed by that question still, as I don't quite understand it yet or see how there is ANY positive purpose. And I say something like, "they're purpose is to destroy me" or to "take me down, keep me struggling." A giant battle within my own self.

I have not yet come to an understanding of how these roles have helped me survive. At this point, I am still in a place where I want them annihilated. I see no loving "purpose." But I know that this may change over time...as I begin to understand the bigger picture.

I may be totally wrong, but it seems that something in you wants you to heal, and live and survive. Hang on to that.


FearLess47

[Calla lily12]

Hi Angie . I can see your ambivalence and understand it. Is there a way to get Vicktor to be more of a protector than a punisher? He sounds very strong and if he was willing, could be a huge help to you rather than a threat. Are there any inside with whom Vicktor communicates with?
I totally get the way you're feeling...wanting to die,.....not wanting to die....questioning living and the effect Vicktor has on all of that. Please let us know how you're doing. Sometimes someone showing they care is enough to stall the suicidal actions. I wish you had experienced that compassion at the hospital.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by FearLess47

I was somewhat shocked to learn recently that I have become my own bully. And my own mommy dearest. My T asked me what their "purpose" was and I am very annoyed by that question still, as I don't quite understand it yet or see how there is ANY positive purpose. And I say something like, "they're purpose is to destroy me" or to "take me down, keep me struggling." A giant battle within my own self.

I have not yet come to an understanding of how these roles have helped me survive. At this point, I am still in a place where I want them annihilated. I see no loving "purpose." But I know that this may change over time...as I begin to understand the bigger picture.

FearLess47

A while ago we were interacting with a similar kind of alter in our own therapy. We too couldn't figure out whatever purpose that part might have held for us and we were terrified of her, because all she did was hurt us. How could that ever be helpful?

What we came to understand (in our situation with that particular alter) was that this alter held all of those awful, destructive and overwhelming emotions so that we didn't have to. All of those feelings were contained within her, leaving us front ones free to get on with the business of growing ourselves up as best we could.Those kinds of feelings were the ONLY thing she ever knew. She didn't know care, kindness, calmness, peacefulness, play, or anything like that. She only knew that she wanted and needed to hurt. The need to self destruct was her entire experience, so that we didn't have to feel it ourselves. It was such a revelation to us to realize that. We ended up feeling so compassionate for that staunch teen who always, always seemed so set on destroying us.

Once we understood that we were so grateful to her. It was really weird because she felt our love and thankfulness and compassion for her and that was the first time she had ever experienced that. It transformed her. She no longer wants or needs to hurt anyone at all. She is one of us now.

For an alter that had spent years harming and trying to kill us, in the end the transformation was as simple as that!