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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,734
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#1
I have two types of experiences I'm wondering if anyone here relates to -- I'm not sure if they are part of my DID (yes, diagnosed) or not.
Experience Type 1: This one is one I'm pretty sure is part of the DID. What happens is, it's like "I" am shoved to the back of my consciousness. I don't black out, but I have no conscious awareness of what is about to come out of "my" mouth -- I hear it, but I am not in control of it or aware of what "I am about to say" if that makes sense. The other thing is -- my body expresses sometimes intense emotions, but I won't actually feel them. (E.g., My body starts sobbing gut-wrenching sobs, but I am stuck in the background and cannot feel any emotional pain or even any of the physical sensations that come with emotional pain.) Experience Type 2: This is the one I'm really not sure of -- I will feel intense emotions, but I have no idea what they are about or where they are coming from. They are not at all what I am feeling. (E.g., I suddenly feel about to cry...and overwhelmingly sad...I feel the emotions and all the physical sensations that come with the emotions, but I cannot identify why or even any thoughts associated with it. I was expressing a different emotion -- or was not expressing an emotion -- when this one came out of nowhere.) Does anyone relate to this? |
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FearLess47
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ACrystalGem, Laurel1562
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Member
Member Since Apr 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 219
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#2
I can relate to both, toomanycats. I think things manifest differently for all of us. For me, since I learned so early on how to shut off emotions/body sensations...it takes an illness, injury or pain to "wake me up." I personally believe the body holds on to stuff...impressions of our past, experiences that are held in a different part, and this seemingly "nonsensical" range of emotions are actually connected to the whole.
I have different body postures and mannerisms that will come out...and it has all been a bit of a jumbled mess of learning and discovery for me. Some medical professionals can "see" I am in pain, but I don't acknowledge it or even realize it. I don't "feel" the way I am standing, or sitting that contributes to the situation. Other times I can balance my checkbook and be very clear about math. Then later I will blankly stare at a simple number or addition and freak out, completely blank, like I have never known math in my life. Sometimes I think I look one way, and feel one way, but observers who have seen me (in other ways) complain that they miss the "old" FearLess. Or whatever. So I guess what I am saying is...I am just now starting to understand why I have felt so splintered all my life. And that includes splintering from emotions, bodily sensations, posture. In order to save my physical self, I am having to "unlearn" the fundamentals of how I move, and relearn about where I "should be" in space. At the same time, I can articulate things...but I don't exactly feel them as coming from me. I call it, feeling "fluffy." Like there is a barrier, between inner me, the me who is speaking, and the rest of the world. It's weird. I will look forward to hearing about how others here describe some of this. But, I relate! And I think it is helpful for us to put some words to this stuff. FearLess47 __________________ alone in a crowded room |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2008
Location: Illinois, USA
Posts: 3,052
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#3
Yes, I experience both of those.
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Underground
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#4
I also frequently experience both of those types of dissociative experiences. The first one - hearing self talking about something - happens to me quite a lot. Sometimes the voice sounds different to mine, sometimes it doesn't, but the self-confusion for me is about what is being said as "I" am not saying it. When we were younger this often happened in educational settings.. .a question would be asked, and I would hear "myself" answer it very confidently and with great wisdom and insight despite not having any knowledge of the topic. We learned to trust that voice at it was always, always right, even though we didn't know what it was talking about and had no idea how that information was known. After diagnosis we learned that voice belonged to a particular alter whose job was to harness the intelligence and learn well beyond her years in an effort to get us out of the childhood home earlier (her goal was to get early entrance into university in another city).
I also experience the dissociated emotions like you describe too. Sometimes the body is crying but I have no experience of sadness and the tears on my cheeks are an utter mystery to me. |
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FearLess47
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Member
Member Since Dec 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 173
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#5
The first example happens all the time.
The second example just happened a few minutes ago - I felt a wave of sadness. It always throws me sideways because I don’t know why it’s happening. Sometimes I get a trace/accent attached to the feeling though. It’s Friday afternoon where I live right now. Weekends were always extra bad when I was growing up, and I used to dread them. I think my teenage Alter (Munro) just got sad because of that, and because she’s very much stuck in the 80’s when I was a teenager as well. __________________ Borderline Personality Disorder, C-PTSD, DID, Depression, Anxiety I have a FREE short story about Sci Fi and Mental Health - Billie Prime, available at https://writteninshadows.wordpress.c.../billie-prime/ |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,148
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#6
Quote:
I found out that the brain does this thing where it takes in all kinds of information from our senses. and sometimes we may not notice things. example last summer I went camping and suddenly I noticed I was feeling irritable, physically stiff. my first thought was oh crap dont tell me theres another alter somewhere. my wife asked me what was wrong I told her I was having feelings that I cant match to anything. its like an overwhelming sense of dread and my neck is painfully stiff. my wife looked at me and said...the children I dont hear them, be right back. when she said that I realized my emotion and physical sensations was not a dissociative thing in me at that moment. it was a parental thing. I didnt notice that my children were out of ear shot. but my body and mind took in the missing sounds and alerted me with feeling overwhelmed and stiffening of my body. just like normal people who suddenly feel something is wrong. also in my job, and home life sometimes things come out of my mouth that I dont realize is happening. my doctors told me everyone does this. its called unconsciously blurting out something. the brain takes in all this information and the human body reacts and sometimes its a verbal blurt while feeling far away from the situation. my suggestion is contact your treatment providers, they will be able to help you figure out what the second one in you is and how to control both. my treatment providers are a great help with this for me. |
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